Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


In my quest to write I have decided to move to word press sight. I have some new posts there and thought I would invite those who read me here to join me there. so here I am The new blog is called Platypus pondering here is the link:

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

                                I woke up yesterday with this urge to do bad things to chain smoke all day and drink large quantities of alcoholic beverages while laying in the sun with out sun screen, go swimming directly after eating, tear the tags off the pillows and the mattress,  run with sharp objects, eat fried chicken by the bucket, Make a face to see if it stays that way, and in general just plow a few years off my life and add a few on to any sentence handed out by a judge. If there had been something I had been told was bad for me I was just a Itching to try it out. I was unsure why this side was making it's appearance in my life. I had a great night the night before was happy no one was trying to act on my will to change it? Why the sudden urge to break every "rule" I could think of. Then I remembered a conversation I had with a dear friend over a glass or bottle of wine. She had asked me when was the last time I had made any thing art wise. In all honestly it had been a good amount of time and now that I think of it all my day dreams had turned to broken glass paint brushes and the feel of slick clay as you mold it. Hummm could this be the source of all my unbridledness I was feeling. Turns out it was. Ugh I am so stupid why do I not do the things I love. You can not leave an artist cooped up too long or they go wild inside if not out worldly.

                                   Even as I pulled out my supplies and though of what I would make, I felt the calm rolling in the fresh breeze of creativity running out of my heart to play for others to see and dance in freedom. I felt my soul sigh relief, as the day ended and my hands were sore from snapping glass and my back ached from leaning over the table I was so happy I needed that I needed that. Why do I do that why do I wait till I am going to go off the rails till I do something I love to do? I don't know I was going to buy a guitar the other day and didn't because I have literally 3 new thing I own and want to try am excited to do and have not tried yet. Why? Does anyone else do this? Ugh man I don't get it. This makes me so happy and as long as it does not take over it should not be a problem unless it becomes my job which would be so very cool I could not stand it. then I could write and create all day long and I think I might just glow like a light bulb if that was true.

Friday, August 17, 2012


                               I always had the dream of being an Artist a mad wild hippy woman that had three kids wild and free with names that matched the land and spirits that soared and inspired others to ride the wind and live with gusto. My soul mate would be wild and free, fun and passionate, sportive and encouraging: We would be in love but never have to have to have it on paper never tied down or anchored to anything but attached willingly to some. I would constantly be covered in clay and ink from my projects. We would live in distant lands: simply, but well. The art of life would eb and flow and it would be good. The writing always done by hand never on something  that so bastardized it like a computer, at the very least a type writer. I would  make prints on linen and canvas sculpt in clay and rock built things that moved and inspired, The artist life full of color and simple grandeur. 

                                  I got a few of those things I dreamed of the important ones. I want to think some may still come. I find it funny still that the girl that was going to be so wild and free has been married so long. although it does not feel unfree, it feels more so free in many ways. I miss this girl in the last few years I have been refinding her. I know I feel like I write this often but it is true. I forgot for years about the poems and stories I used to write with a friend and how much I loved it.I was only remembering how much people told me not to do it because of my dyslexia. I could get lost and loved getting lost in two things and that is still true to this day I get lost in writing and Creating art. I love it, I feel the most alive when I do these things. With all the cuts from the broken glass never really bothers me I long for the feel of clay dried and carved wet and pliable molded with my hands twisted into works that mark the heart.

                                I found it funny when I looked at my Myers Brigs personality thing it was so right on the edge of two of the things for the most part I am a ISFP- Introverted Sensing Feeling  Perceiving, I am so strong to the right on all this it is like the classic person for this type, but in the S one I am so close to the middle I could be an N iNtuitive. I sit on the balance of this witch is funny because the one INFP personality is known as the artist, and the other ISPF is known for never loosing their wonder and writing. The two thing I most wanted to do was to write and create.

                              Not even for anyone else just for me. To know that no one else did this just me. I our world it is increasingly hard to find things that have not been done. Everyone wants the cookie cutter the polished perfect thing. I get uncomfortable with too much polish on things on people give me something with some personality with some dents with something other than the norm. I once told my husband if I ever fall into that life with the standard house and the car that looks like everyone else and the  white walls of life medicate of kill me. It's like putting fireflies in a jar, yeah they glow but not as bright and it kills them, I just can't do it. I need color I need different, it is telling to me that the first thing I bought with my very first paycheck was a one of a kind watch from an artist in a little shop in town. I had never seen anything like it.

                                        I still dream of this life and add more of it to my own life now, I hope some day in those far flung places I will find us old and wrinkled and oh so happy. Life is too short be who you are ment to be stop trying to be what everyone else says you should be.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Meteor Love

                       There is a meteor shower this weekend! I am excited to see it! I don't know that I can say I have just sat and watched a meteor shower ever. there was one time we were chaperoning a youth retreat provably this time of year and we sat on a bench while patrolling for sneaky teenagers or not so sneeky because we knew already where they were going, I do not remember seeing any. I am thinking tonight maybe I will make a picnic and a bottle o' wine and whisk my hubby out in search or a dark spot where we can cuddle up and watch the stars. OR we could find some friends build a fire and drink our wine and watch too. either way that would be a great night.

                     I love that we do little things like this, we have made an effort to make special times just to be. It works for us. I had miss calculated our year we have been married I thought it was 18 for most of this year but it is 17. Still nothing to sneeze at, At my 20th reunion this last summer I had a friend come up to my husband and say he thinks we are the longest married couple in the class. I don't know it has not seemed so long I love spending time with my hubby. I look forward every call every text I get. The sound of His voice and the way he says my name is like no one else in the world. He is my support, my soft place to land, my encourager, truth teller when no one else would dare, the eyes that see through all my crap, and the humor that has kept me laughing and taking life with ease, the heart so big I have yet to see the limit, and the only man that can still surprise me even after all these years.

                         I knew when I met him I would marry him: it scared me to death. 3 months later he was my hubby. It is so cheesy to say but he dreamed of me when he was a kid and knew I was t be his wife, he forgot until he saw me then those dreams came back to him. IT had to be no man would have put up with how mean I was the first week to him I wanted nothing to do with him. Ugh I hate that story it makes me sound like such a jerk, and think about it it is the story people always ask you about. He looks like a saint and I look like a crab. Sigh, I may have to make up a new how we met story. I was always afraid with how quick we married that it would burn out so fast but every year every day I love him a little more. I never thought this would be me, for those that only know me now as a sappy romantic. Honestly in my head some times when I hear my self talk about it even our own story of love and how much I actually Love him, the cynic in me groans and rolls her eyes. I was never going to marry it was crap who wanted that. turns out: I did want that but not just with anyone. He had to be sweet, he had to be kind, he had to be thoughtful, Quirky, and fully mine.

                      I am not saying we are perfect (I want to be very clear on that) I am not saying we do not have our stuff, oh honey  we do. We Learned to fight with respect and talk things out years ago: that has made life so much sweeter for us. You have so much less to get over to remember how much you mean to each other when you do that. We try to talk things out before they become big thing and blow up. I  have to say it is not easy it is hard to admit when your are being a jerk when you are than to have to hold that line to win a battle only to loose part of what you have. To win what?

                             Oh that went a different place I was going to go with this post but I think I will leave it at that get out do something spontaneous with your love or people in your life that mean the world to you. Talk things out listening to each other not just talking at each other.  Don't put it off if: they mean something to you call them get together with them. if they mean something to you I am fairly sure you mean something to them too. unless you are a stalker or Dexter then your way of getting together with some what less what I am would recommend.

                          ( I feel like I need to add a disclaimer to this I know not everyone is safe in their live in their relationships. I have been very blessed with the man I spend my life with. If you are being hit or abused. there are places that can help you. You are worth so much more, no one ever has the right to lay hands on you No one ever! There is no deserving it. seek help, people love and count on you, if you can not do it for you do it for them.)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Leting my Geek flag fly!

                   In my ongoing struggle to stop people please I am admitting my geek tendencies. I lean to the geek side more often than not. After years of geek denial I have come to this with sad recognition I have missed out on geek pride after being a closeted geek for so many years. There were other factors being the youngest child with little hand eye coordination leads to watching your sibling play games with your dad and totally missing out on the the joy of video gamer brother hood. Also being late to the computer coolness/ possible tone o' money maker and use. Sigh, the wasted years in hiding my love of Sci-FY for years I missed so so many awesome movies and TV shows, the one liners, I could have been disappointed they were canceled so much earlier than I found them on Netflix, IE. Pushing Daisies and Firefly. (sniffle) I am grieving to much to talk about that. I never had the brains or more the will to study till it got cool and you could blow stuff  up for a living with science or Math: However the Scie-Fy lore and nerd culture I am down with.

the horror
                 This lack of Video gamer love and tech things has me wondering: Can one be a geek with out a huge obsession with technology, comic books, and video games? I was looking up Comi-con because for years I have seen pictures of all my geek heroes there so There I must go. As I was looking yesterday for a possible trip to the 2014 venue just a little dreaming/ planing I noticed all the people were mostly comic book people, them it hit me. Comic- con, NOOOOOOO!!!! had my dreams been dashed? I am not apposed to comics in them selves but am at a loss as two where to start. Does not reading this make me less Geek than I think. For years the lack of video game love has kept me from letting my geek flag fly. Was I now not ineligible for the holy grail of trips?

Sigh.... Captain; oh my Captain.
           I admit my geekness is unique to me I love off beat English humor, steam punk (Yes! love the fashion but have to think of it as western to watch), most supernatural things (but not all I don't like Zombies they freak me out unless it is funny but love Wear wolves and vampires but hate Twilight). I read but not a lot, I get most of the jokes on Big Bang Theory (but not all), I know what Dolphins sing and whales think when they fall from the sky, and get a kick out of dressing up and going out in public with friends for no particular reason (I do think this more hipster than geek). Occasionally I will bust out laughing at things or make jokes or show "funny" videos when hanging out with my non geek friends that result in silence staring while crickets chirping. And I will say this for now and for ever Nathan Fillion will always be my Captain, even though Castle is awesome.

           UGh or is this whole thing about my need for approval and and wanting to find a group that I "fit" in.

          Sigh I guess this too must be yet another thing I am a Platypus in fitting and not fit in all at the same time.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

We're up Oak Creek

                     I wanted to write about this yesterday but had to take time to gather my thoughts they were so scattered. The first thing I heard actual news wise about the Oak creek shootings in WI was the interview with policeman saying he had put the guy down that had entered shot 6 people including an officer. I had just got done talking to my husband about oh crap he shot a cop that guy is not making it out a live we will never know why this deranged man did this. Not that anyone can wrap their mind around hate, ignorance and plan crazy that goes into something like that. It urked me at the term 'put down', I know, bad reaction to a way of looking at this. It was so big I could not wrap my head around this happening hours away from me. I heard my friend through Facebook wondering if her brother was in the fire fight and worrying he was the one shot. The interviews started to come out the wailing people and horror of it all crept into my brain. Of being an officer walking into that situation and the families knowing they do. I have thought of that before since my brother in-law is an officer, but I had a weird video game image of walking into the smoke of gun fire and hearing people calling fear pumping because it could be any person there you don't know who the shooter is. Over whelmed but the images of the families waiting for their loved ones and the crying I had to turn it off. It was too much to process for a slow processor like me.

                       It was not till the next day I saw his hateful picture with the Nazi symbol  behind him with vampire teeth on his guitar strap and the new of his hate music being popular made me ill. I am not violent but I was so glad at that moment the officers had done what they had. I was appalled that I could feel the anger I did that a white supremacist was still around and had done such a horrible thing. I pride my self in not judging others and trying to understand but there was no understanding here I was mad and glad he was dead. Then I saw the glaring truth or hate is hate breads more of the same, but my heart knew the second it saw the symbol I hated this man and was ok with that even as in my head I was not. Then I started to hear the explanations from the media of the difference between Sikhs and Muslims as if killing Muslims in hateful rage was ok but to confuse them with others was not.  And knowing that difference would make you not shoot oh lets see.... um let me think.. any of them. Really we are going to debate if he possibly confused one people for another in error like it makes it ok? What does that say to our Muslim neighbors facing this kind of ignorance that we could possibly be ok if he had shot the "right" minority.

not that I am saying it's just fox
                          I have to say this kind of talk I hear  from news people where the fire of hatred are stoked with a wink and smile with a morning zoo crew grin, it bothers me. there has been a tapping into fear and stoking that hate and dissatisfaction of doing something about all this insecurity they are building in certain people done by them that should be held to account. The weak minded and prone to violent people hear these messages too about the Mexicans taking advantage of us and our systems and the Muslims trying to take over with Sharia law and make us all were burkas and do the hokey pokey or what ever the message is from the latest fear monger. They see nothing being done about a threat made up to keep people on edge so they can easily take rights or make questionable policies based on race. Without being called a bigot. so these unstable people besides in ignorance to "do something about it." and wham everyone is shocked that in a land where the discourse between the top running presidential candidates could be at best described as infantile some idiot takes it upon him self to take out "unwanted" people. Words are powerful thoughts have a strength that does not go away when is someone going to hold this stoking of unrest and fear of those not like us accountable for the actions brought by it.

                               Then we wait to see if the "christian" they choose to voice will come out on the side of they are attacking our religion and right to worship or it is God's judgment for us: abortion, gay rights, or parking closer to the store when we could walk if want to leaving the places for those who need it. This bothers me so much, I am a follower of Jesus believe it or not. (I am not going to debate if I am christian enough with you in the comments so save your breath) SO this what God is doing these days? Guess he missed the whole punishing those for genocide, war crimes, sex trade, letting people starve so we can make a profit, and raping of women as a weapon of war, but these things is what he is cracking down on now. Wow really I have to say this you do not speak for me! Stop giving these dicks a microphone and a platform to speak on they do not represent Christ or those that follow him.

                             And now we start the talk about guns and how they do not shoot people and it being disrespectful to the victims to talk about guns so close to the incident. "Only people who follow laws will follow the law so if we regulate the automatic bad ass gun it will just leave them in the hands of the criminals". Followed by the please of people just to talk about it, followed by a "do you want the government to run over you? when our founding fathers had their muskets...." sigh,  the same talk you don't even have to have the actual conversation any more it drones on,  hit repeat and repeat as more psycho men gun down good people. All bought legally within days of the event. Since our Founding Fathers did not have bombs and tanks to worry about... they are regulated. I am fairly sure talking about this will be ok and actually having a new actual conversation not trying to make shocking statement that slam prove your point and your done out of here unproductive chatter we have been seeing.

All this goes on while the victims sit an suffer.  My heart goes out to them, those who lived the shooting and their families seeming to be forgotten in all this those that follow their belief and are now living in fear of hate taking them out. You are not forgotten. To the Muslims in the US it would not have been ok if it had been you. We need to start holding those using this fear for their gain in our government accountable. We should be holding the new corporations accountable for the dumb way they cover this kind of thing and we should be reaching out in love to those around us. You can't educate hate like if a Nazi guy understands the difference between the two religions it makes any difference, No, it is his hate of others that is the issue. I think until this changes we will see more of this unbalanced hate needing a target and innocent people paying the price. We must be better than this. America, we must stop this decent in thought we have been going on we must speak up, we must learn about and embrace our neighbors so that they do not live in fear but know acceptance and we all can gain from each other rather than missing out on who we could be. Lets be the nation we once were. Holding those ideals true for all in our nation not just the few the while the like us. Lets live what that document every bigot in America is hold up as a shield and Let All Men Be Treated As Equals.

 I leave you with the words of the pastor's son and wife as interviewed by Anderson Cooper.

Monday, August 6, 2012


            Ok so how is the world not jumping up and down that we landed on Mars. It's Mars! Really people? Get all geeked out over the moon and the red planet gets no love. I honestly had not even heard they were launching something to go there. Had anyone else? Am I alone in my ignorance? It's not like I check NASA's status everyday to find out what is new in space. I generally just enjoy the stars and the moon.  How cool is it we have a robot on Mars. I have visons of Marvin the Martian and other aliens dancing in my head. but there so far are rocks. sigh, that will have to do for now I guess.

           With the way things go in Sci-FY movies not sure why people would be so excited to meet the aliens and other life forms: with all the butt probing and psycho death war mongering types represented in films. I read a quote from a scientist (I can't remember the name of ) when asked about ET he said "If it is true it is the only time and best example of a secret government has been able to keep.". He makes a good point. I am not sure I believe in ET but I do think it would be cool if there was. Can you imagine? How cool would it be to meet ET for real hiding behind your stuffed animal pile. I may be watching to much Sci-FY, but this is where my mind drifted as I dreamed about being on mars. it all stopped with the image of the guys head exploding as he was pushed into mars' atmosphere, forget the name of that one had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.

                I know it takes a lot of money to do go to Mars and I am even surprised by myself as I honestly love we are still pushing back into discovery. In a world where so much is known, we are still hungry and pushing to know more. Dream on scientist, push back against the tide of Jersey Shore wannabe's and the culture fighting for the bottom of the Heap. Lift up more than body or coolness. Did anyone else see the guy with the Mohawk? That is the Flight Director, Babak Ferdowski. How cool is that? Still rocking personal style and personality but awesome at his job and rock star smart. Why is it the dumb getting lifted up in our culture? Frustrates me. we have smart young people thinking all they are is a body and the dumber the better. Don't we want more for them? Don't we want well rounded people that can think of themselves in more than one term or in more than one set of circumstances? WE are so much a product of what we have been told we are, tell a young person they can't and the majority of them will not.

                   I was listening to a story the other day of a runner from South Africa Oscar Pistorius, was born without fibulas and grew up without anyone setting limits on him he competed in normal sport. Was so good a coach picked him up and he ended up in the paralympics, he was so good there he is now and Olympian competing this week in London. He had to fight with the board and have experts testified that his prosthetic was not an unfair advantage. That's how good he is. What could the young people in your life do if you encouraged them?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Every four years

On Guard!
          I am a geek, yes you know this by now but it's true. I am a total Olympics geek. I love it all Fencing to white water rafting Yes sign me up to watch. It is the weirdest thing ever four years I end up glued to the tv loosing sleep because I have to know how the Fencing team did. I would never watch most of this at any other time. Once ever 4 years I am an expert wondering why the judges gave a break to the Chines diver they obviously had a bigger splash than Mexico did are they blind. Hate the Chines drivers so smug, bastards.

Holy crap!
          I am not sure where this started when I was young I would watch and try to do the gymnastic things in the basement leading to sprains and broken things (the uncoordinated should not try graceful things), Working at a expensive private school during the summer that brought in former pro tennis people to teach tennis while watching the Olympics with them was very cool (ok that was a highlight for me.)  Having a friend that almost went was also cool, there are so many memories of this that just make it awesome. Then there was the awesomeness for an adventuring girl or wanna be adventurer to know the whole world was watching. Awesome!

SAnka training.
                    Years later when I married a man from another country I found out that last part not so much true. The never watched the Olympics in Mexico and if not there where else were they not watching was Cool Runnings even true? This was earth shattering, I have changed this for my hubby anyway and changed him into a nut like me. He actually maybe more so he knows all the names and that.

Dive! Dive!
                                             I love the struggle the blow out games the guy that had never rowed before a few months ago that came and finished his first race. YES! Bring it all. I am annoyed this year by NBC's editing of the games really dude this is not some lamo reality show this is fine the way it is. Yesterday it was obvious when Mexico fell out of the diving metal running and they stopped showing them, we still want to see the competition, And there are more than 4 guys diving right? What's with leaving out the tribute to the people that died in the bombing in London. Really you think us so self serving and self centered we do not care. It is the TV equivalent to the ugly American traveler that insults everything and only eats and drinks only coke, and spray cheese on crackers when they go to France or Italy. Then there is the news people with the spoilers tell who won what before they show the game/ match or what ever it is called. Has the modern succubi or our culture finally gotten so bad it has wrecked the Olympics? Kinda yeah, I hate to say it but it has for me a bit I still watch but knowing who wins kinda takes the edge out of the race or the competition.

Stop Glaring at me I didn't call you old!
                                          The there is the adds ok I might buy the Subway commercial but I am so not buying that any of these elite athletes ate McDonald's food ever.  Why is it some of the most unhealthy stuff ever tries to attach it self to a very healthy thing. Am I just getting old that these things are bothering me now? Is it youth that brings so much of the magic of the games? MAybe, I like the dream of it the with good people working hard living right being silly in videos: yes, love that. However I do not need to know one of the swimmers on the team likes one night stands vs. relationships. I guess in the world of instant info that is what allows me to know / over know all of this is both fun blessing and I never needed to know the STD of that person all at the same time. It is not the Bachelor If you start giving me the hook up report I am done, really that is not what this is about. One last thing what is with the lack of quality of the reporters? Calling Phelps Old after the gold relay, or just lack of professionalism. Seriously repeating them selves because it seems to me like they do not know what they are talking about or they are rereading the prompter this has happened 7 times since I started counting it. Our crap new reporters reporting has now wrecked the Olympics. They used to have people that were actually in the sport that knew what was what, now they are all trying to be the morning zoo crew and loosing the whole meaning. Not everything has to be a punch line, also a call from Justin Beber is not the end all top call you can get. It is still better to get a call from the president maybe read a book report spreader of information.

Dig! Dig!
                          Sigh, Maybe beach volley ball or track Cycling will sooth me. Whisking me back to the days when my sister and I put holes in the ceiling fencing. I do think this acting out what is happening on the screen made it more fun. The other night at the gym when I went with my Hubby while we were lifting weights and walk/ running on the tread mill it was so much more fun to watch with no sound. Maybe the child in me just wants to sprain her ankle again with the joy of winning gold while doing it. Watching the flag rise while you ice your foot, good times good times. Medal on Mike medal on!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Finding me

                   Still kinda possessing my reunion experience, I know shocker! I can't help it I think life is a learning and unlearning experience.  I do not mean to be boring and keep droning on about but I had some things I learned about my self I had not seen or seen to the extent I did that night. I think some time seeing our selves in different lights shows us things I had never thought of.

                       First thing I learned about my self is I had no idea how much I hid behind my husband, No intentionally I just think he is amazing and really fun neat guy I am lucky to know let alone get to spend my life with.  The people there wanted to meet him too but they really wanted to talk to me. Even had around 10 or so people say that I was one of the people they were really looking forward to seeing. WOW really, for the girl who grew up thinking my just being there bothered people it to hear that from those I thought I bothered was awesome. I just don't see my self that way it was kinda nice, gave me confidence to be more out going: More present, more me. It was like finding me again finding that girl pulling her out and showing her all the love that had been around her that she could not see before because of all that was going on. Redeeming those days leaving that pain behind an pulling her out with all the people with me. Highly recommend this experience if you can go back and face hard time in your life or something that is hard for you:  DO IT!

                          The second thing I learned about my self that I had been kinda knowing but just realized more fully was that I really do have a better time If I know everyone is. If I see everyone is talking laughing I can relax I struggle seeing others struggle not finding their spot. I know this is probable this is a really deep seeded problem but I really noticed the difference in me when I noticed some one upset or being ignored.  There is a shift I pick up on right away, Even if I under the reason behind it I just feel that tension very strongly. I never could, I remember having my 5th grade or 6th grade birthday party I didn't want to leave anyone out so I invited all the girls from my class. It was a disaster I remember crying in the living room because the forming clicks from class were still there, I was devastated. All these years later I still do that. SO I guess what I resaw in my self was that did not change and is just as strong as ever.

                     The last thing I learned is that people are fascinating. I love people to talk with everyone I wanted it to be quiet and just sit with good coffee or the beer we had and talk about everything. Really I think the people in my class are surprising and warm wonderful people It can not be a fluke that this group was so dynamic, or maybe it is and Everyone should grow up in Beaver Dam. and last but not least: Friends will always be friends. You will act like a teenager with the people you were one with for the rest of your life. Enjoy it even if you lost touch and do not see each other when you get together again you will remember why you were so nervous about leaving after graduation even if you could not wait to go every year up till that point.

                        I do not know if this translates into anything good for anyone to read  or get anything from but I had to get  these thoughts out and I am done writing now about this and will have new subjects to talk about next time. I found so freeing thing visiting the past and I am so glad of the people I got to do this with. ('92 you rule. <3)

Monday, July 30, 2012

In search of....

            I went to my 20th reunion this weekend, I never thought I would. High School was such a hard time for me I never thought I would want to go back. In the last few years I have been struggling to heal my self from the inside out. Plus the extra weight I still carry from when I was so sick, not that I do not know it saved me but the fear of judgment. ugh. I have been struggling  letting go of the negative and taking a new road positivity. I can not say I am great at this, I am not. However I am trying, it has cost me a lot but I have gained so much more. Honestly if I had not I am not sure I would still be here at all the crushingness of it was killing me. I found me, I found life, contentment, and strength I never knew I had so far. SO part of this new me is facing things that might be hard or painful taking their power away. So my Goal besides seeing people I have not seen in 20 years was to face this to see if my unhappiness with me and my life had tainted how I saw those days.

             SO I took my Rescue remedy and went (best thing ever!). The first day I was supposed to go with some people I know to a informal meet and greet at a bar down town. Here it was going into a bar where you are unsure you are going to recognize anyone let alone if you like each other or got along at all.. AAAAAAAAAAAA..... It was terrifying. No one was in the bar that looked our age. so fighting the urge to slam 2 tequila shots and leave I ordered one drink for me one for my hubby. And we ventured out to the porch and it was dark but bright so I could not see any faces like walking in to a spotlight I started to sweat from nerves, oh my God how am I going to recognize anyone? I got all the way to the end of the patio and still my eyes had not adjusted too well went one face started to looked like I might know her and she got up saying my name and giving me a huge hug. I felt my body sigh with relief. I looked around and one by one the names and faces clicked inside my head and as we sat it was an ease of conversation and not too uncomfortable silences, jokes and just a fun time made me so glad I could go. I left more free than when I went in it was a great night I knew I could do this! One down one to go. Bring it Bitches you can't take me down.

               The next morning at like 6 am I woke up with a splitting tension headache and defending how great I felt about the night before, seriously almost screaming mid sentence of no I had a great time as I woke up.  SO I broke out the rescue remedy and so Advil and Tom prayed for me and I did too. and the room actually felt lighter my head felt a little better and We went back to sleep and woke up fine. I think mostly it was a retraining my brain that caused this, taking back the people from the ick I felt growing up revising the broken girl that away felt unwanted and shoved aside and seeing how many people actually cared about her. Because they were all great dynamic people (seriously I am impressed with how cool my class is)  it was not them that made me miserable it was me and how I felt about that time tainting my view.  Wiping that taint off is no small task for queen of the awkward like me but it was starting to go.

                  Next comes dinner with a few people we opted out of  the awesome home town favorite pizza for the new Margarita place, best choice ever. There were a few of us and an a fiend that was there with her mother in-law, we had so much fun I think my hubby blushed all the way through dinner, which takes  a lot but prepped him for the night.

                 Then we met up with a friend and drove out because it was too much to think of going in alone. In the parking lot it was so odd to know everyone walking in, but my nerves were still shaky so I said a few quick hi's and before I could loose my never I went inside. Found my name tag and headed for the bar. it was very crowded and like hot and sticky with all the people in there shoulder to shoulder, plus my nerves were making me sweat. Name tag on I found some friends and started talking. and started to calm down. I ran into a few people and was still feeling awkward and unsure but then I found my groove and it was great. I taking with some people I had not known well in school but have gotten to know a little now and respect through facebook.  and the night went on like that I ran into person after person that I was so glad to talk too. A few awkward times of brain freeze but hey what fun would life be with out them. My husband made friends caused trouble with some random biker guys and was being a social butterfly he is by the end of the night. I found my self being the person that wants everyone to be included sitting back scanning the crowd looking for anyone not connecting or alone, but there was none. I had to stop my self from just sitting back and flouting in that peace enjoying seeing people connecting so well and feeling the love of it.The time was too short there were people I wanted to talk to so much more but the not liking  middle of a crowd with loudness thing was working against me, and I seriously just wanted to have coffee with everyone sit down a dish talk about life and laugh. But I am better one on one or small group of people I get over whelmed by the number of people I wanted to talk to other wise. SO after all my fear of shyness taking over me, the lack of shyness and over wanting to talk was the issue.

              I walked away making peace with my past me and refinding friends I never really lost and appreciating them all over again for who they are. So sad there were people I missed talking before the end, and joyfully finding people I missed talking to. I am not sure anyone will find this interesting or not but my brain would not let me sleep till it was typed out. If you have a reunion GO, be free from what ever is stopping you from wanting to see the best part of those days: the ones you laughed with, got in trouble with and just enjoyed the company of. Live free let nothing hold you down even if it is you or your sight of things being what is pinning you.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Really this can't be a win for me

             Why is change so hard? Even when you really want it and really do want change it is such a struggle to actually do it to go out the door and take a new path. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this pains me to no end I am not a rut girl I love new I love the different I always want to be original. I have vivid memories of this being  a trait I carried long before I knew what it was. In preschool we took a trip to the post office to mail valentines to our mom's and Dad's we all lined up one by one we march wedding procession styal up the the boxes one by one everyone dropped theirs into the one mail hole ignoring the other perfectly good one next to it. step by step we get closer and before I knew it I was there ready to drop my mail. Boop in it went into the other slot no one else used as my teacher shrieked that I had put mine in the out of town one. I did not care it was mine mail and I wanted to other one. Then there is the questionable fashion choices like the lime green see through head band I wore as sun glasses because no one else had them (Punky Brewster was my hero and fashion Icon). So there have been problem with this I was under the impression change was not one of them, come on if you are going to be original does that not include regular change?

            But here I am trying t push through this slightly premid life crisis and boom I am not wanting change of fighting it being my own worst enemy. I am sure in my very core there are few if any one at this gym I am going to that even notices I am there and yet I can not get over them just being there. Stupid they would so go out of business if I was the only one going but ugh the though of being mocked really gets to me. Thank you Mr. Kiffer and the whole of Jr. high. Not to mention life in general. But now no one is stopping me but me, I am literally defeating my self.  Why can't facing fears be like a movie montage or better yet sitcom half hour never brought up again again till a flash back show. No life has to be about facing that fear any way every time going and keep pressing on. shit life sucks, what sick bastered made this system. Nice to have my own worst enemy looking me in the mirror with all the amo of my past failers and mockings to throw in my face. One trip two trips a whole week of trips miss a few days and slammo again struggling going alone. I will not be the weapon of my own defeat. I will not be the reason I give up on this. I am going to do this I am so sick of stopping my self and letting me defeat me. screw that this woman is leaving that girl behind and do this.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Flop sweat and sweat

the horror the is Jazzercise
  The time has come no more waiting in the back the horror of it all the painful twisting of muscle, being packed in like wriggling sardines still moving as the top of the can is sealed. Yes it is time to join the gym.. this anxiety build place for me this den of judgment and condemnation has again made it's way into my life. This is a good thing it is what I want but it is also scary for me having only had one good gym experience I am heavily relying on to make it through the door of this new one. This has been giving me nightmares for days thinking about this. Where perk tones bitches push there way through rooms of people to give me hurtful not helpful advice (yes this happens to me occasionally) or the Jazzercize nightmare of Psychedelic leotards that my Mom forced me to go to And last but not least Gym class with teachers that regularly taunted those not athletically inclined, cue memory of jerk wad Gym teacher being driving instructor making you do push ups in the middle of the street for hitting the curb parking in front of my boyfriends house both humiliation and the terror of being hit by a car. The horror associated with gyms and gym related people is huge! My nightmares differ occasionally on how I handle it some are rooms of people laughing at me some are the beat down of perky girl and my favorite the verbal smack down ending in her hopefully learning something (ok you got me I like the beat down too). 

I remember this at the Y when I was younger.
(Not her the equipment)
                                                  That said I have high hopes for the gym we are joining, like the one good experience with gyms that I have joined there are great things a pool good equipment people who help design a work out for you and the best part a movie theater with exercise equipment in it so no one can see me doing my thing, this is the best part for me. I loved the gym we joined years ago something about having people that would know if I did not go and the cheapness in me of not wanting to pay for something I did not use worked for me I went daily loved it so much made friends with some of the people who worked there and really would have continued to go had I not busted my knee up, got seriously ill and lost my job all in the same few months. This is the feeling I am hoping to build on supportive people not the knee busting out of workness. That is the plan hope it turns out that way for me and to the bin of judgment I am trying to be positive and not expect the worst.

                          For me I am ok with me I love my self where I am this took a long time a lot of effort and so much love from those in my life seriously I have the best people ever in my life. This is about being more active free to do the things I want to do. Healthier not stick figure or barbie perfect not that I think that is ever possible for me in the slightest. The me I am expecting to find under all this is a curvy girl with big hips big boobs and attitude. Yeah here's hoping I find here under here. Hello are ya there come out come out who ever you are.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The rule of thumb

                                      Have you ever had your eyes opened to a blindness you have carried and cherished nurtured and reveled in your whole life. This happened to me in the instance I am willing to talk about when I was first married 18 years ago it was march and I wanted to share a huge family tradition in my house with my husband. We watched the Quiet man every year faithfully loved it quoted from it, well my Dad my Sister and I did. My Mother was not a fan and "joked" with my Dad about John Wane being an alcoholic wife beater, but we will get back to that later. SO with joy at sharing the treasure I sat down with most of my family and my hubby to watch the greenness of Ireland and the listen to the melody and wit of the people. As the movie went on I noticed my husband getting more and more uncomfortable. when the part came when the town was marching across the field with John and the woman came up to give him a stick "to beat the lovey lady with" That was it he was done he left the room and went to talk to my Mom. Later I asked him why he had left, his response was that John Wayne had not been very good to the wife in the movie and he just did not care for it. That sat with me for a long time made me think of the role of Men and Women.

My Mom
                                    Growing up in my house was interesting in my teen years my Mom worked at an abuse agency. My parents "debated" about politics my mom being Dem my Dad Rep. One of the impressions I did at age 5 was Jimmy Carter, it was in total me drying off my teeth and putting my lip up on top of the throwing up 2 peace signs and saying "Hi, I'm Jimmy Carter" my Nixon was worse. SO I grew up in a house that talked regularly about issues not so much personal issues but issues. My mom talked about women's rights but made sure to clarify she was not off the deep end about it. Meaning she shaved her legs and arm pits and being married meant everything to her. I always kind of saw her as a hippy want to be she wanted the things they did but the norm was not so bad. She had always been popular, never with out a date since Jr. high, she had grown up kind of privileged with a Dad who was a respected Business man in Madison. She was the dream of her area of time happy wife with 2 daughters she dressed well and loved her family very much by day. Her job had always taken her to places of compassion and hard to look at places of our society. She had become a nurse because her mom was a nurse. the Jobs I remember her having were starting the head start in Beaver Dam writing the grants for them then working for the WIC program weighing babies and doing quick checks for them, the one that left a lasting  impression on me was when she worked for the abuse shelter. I remember all the radical friends and their talks of women's rights and thinking it was over stated to think women were not valued to same  as men. When my mom died I was lost I did not know what to do she was my rock the one I could always count on, the one I could be real with. Who was I now with out her? I drifted for years holding on to the only thing keeping me floating, my faith but that was so new I had no idea how to manage it. I lost so much of who I was and those around me suffered, in that time became hard and unsure of my self. It was this time in my life this rebel part of me my Mom loved and hated with intensity started to rise up in me. It started questioning things and making me think through things I had not. along this way I found friends that challenged me to do the same and loved me while I worked it out, And I found my self again. I am not as proper a women as my Mom would have liked but I do think as she always did she would admire me for being me.

                                      The idea of equality for women has come back up in my life that seed firmly planted by my Mom and I have been spending time thinking about Her and the influence she had on me in this part of my life what a revolutionary she was fighting in the courts and If my mind remembers right working to pass laws or get them enforced anyway. Yesterday I saw a picture talking about traditional Marriage and what that actually looked like. Women property until 1768, Monogamy since 1899, wife own property 1900, contraception 1965, interracial couples 1967, credit in her name 1975 (I was one), Husband owns all property by default done 1981 (I was 7), and Legal marital Rape ended 1993 (I was one year out of high school).  First off I would be one illegal women in the 60's, married to a Mexican and owning credit and all. But it got me thinking the right not to be raped was won in my life time when I was an adult. How crazy is that? As I looked into this not so fun fact I learned was that the saying "rule of thumb" comes from the rule you could beat your wife with a stick as long as it was  no thinker than your thumb. really how does that work. sorry "Timmy Dad got to into beating your Mom with the stick and beat her to death but it was with in the rule of thumb so wink wink it's ok, pass the ovaltein Daddy worked up an appetite." Come on I am tired of the whole we are still fighting for this. it is 2013 we should be so past this by now we all should be equal. everyone! It just seems like there is more hate more subjugation of people or it is a growing trend anyway. the generations of women starting in the 1700 have been on this since than and we still have people like Rush Limbaugh saying things have gone down hill since we let women vote, and he is still on the air. REALLY are you kidding me? Some is paying him to be on there saying this. NO really they are even Radio aint free.

                                    Women we have a heritage of strong compassionate women a sisterhood we have an obligation them, our selves, our daughters and sons to speak up, stand up and do not except less. Men do not think you gain by this idea when one of us loose our power we all are weaker for it. I am not generalizing Men, I know many that understand and revel in this encouraging the women in their lives to be who they are and be free. I have been luck enough to be married to one. It is time this stopped being an issue and started being history.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

When apples attack

                                          Sorry I have been away I cut my self you would think this is not such a big deal because it is just a thumb but when one types with 2 hands and forgets one has stitches it is painful. How did I do this? well in my quest for eating healthier I was making and apple peanut butter pita with agave when the apple attacked me I was as shocked as anyone. I was unaware of the sinister side of apples only have known them for their deliciousness and vitamins before, their blood thirsty nature was unknown to me before. thanks to our new super sharp knives the apple got a really good shot in after I realized I was not going to stop bleeding on my own I went to the clinic just down the road. as we got in the car to go the radio blared "you cut me me open and I keep bleeding keep keep bleeding..." I found this hilarious my hubby did not and thought I might be suffering shock or something as I laughed while I bleed next to him. So we get there and they take me back almost right away because really how often does one get attacked by an apple. They stitch me up 5 stitches on my thumb should have been 6. now you may think big whoop 5 stitches and 6 days later and your still complaining about it. remember thumbs are not that big  5 should of been 6 stitches takes you from next to the thumb to diagonally 2/3s of the way to the other side of the nail, that is a lot of the thumb.

                                So a few things I have noticed besides I space bar with my left thumb is that for a women to dress without using her thumbs is near impossible if she wishes in any way shape or form to where a bra not happening with out help. If you have a dog that loves you she will give you slobbery apple piece after she hunted it down and killed the offending fruit when you get home from the hospital. You will have to keep her from trying to devotedly help you heal your thumb even in your sleep and she tries to sneak up and just clean it up for ya while you rest. Also when one so hunting down a very fast black spider that ran down the wall right by your head before you were just about to go to sleep you will mistake your own stitches for said spider on your thumb at least 3 times possibly 4. There is a lot of time spent thinking about the Hollywood movies and tv shows that  show people stitching them selves up with just a wince and you thinking what frigging liars they are because you had only 3/4 numbing in your last 2 stitches and winced and while they were putting the numbing stuff on you kicked the table and sucked air. frigging Hollywood no one is tough enough to do that with out at least gritting their teeth. then you think wow I have seen way too many movies with those scenes in them. then then you go to you have seen to many movies in general. Then you think maybe just maybe movies and TV has screwed with your view of the world and how it works.. nah that's crazy: back to the list of this affected by a stabbed thumb...  One can not do dishes and dishes will take over the entire kitchen.  No one finds the keep bleeding being on the radio while you bleed is funny as you do and finally: NO one believes apples attacked you. Apples being fruity are mistaken for sweet and tasty but beware the apple waiting  to pounce. They made a movie about the harmless tomatoes when it is the apple you should be warned of.