Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

                                I woke up yesterday with this urge to do bad things to chain smoke all day and drink large quantities of alcoholic beverages while laying in the sun with out sun screen, go swimming directly after eating, tear the tags off the pillows and the mattress,  run with sharp objects, eat fried chicken by the bucket, Make a face to see if it stays that way, and in general just plow a few years off my life and add a few on to any sentence handed out by a judge. If there had been something I had been told was bad for me I was just a Itching to try it out. I was unsure why this side was making it's appearance in my life. I had a great night the night before was happy no one was trying to act on my will to change it? Why the sudden urge to break every "rule" I could think of. Then I remembered a conversation I had with a dear friend over a glass or bottle of wine. She had asked me when was the last time I had made any thing art wise. In all honestly it had been a good amount of time and now that I think of it all my day dreams had turned to broken glass paint brushes and the feel of slick clay as you mold it. Hummm could this be the source of all my unbridledness I was feeling. Turns out it was. Ugh I am so stupid why do I not do the things I love. You can not leave an artist cooped up too long or they go wild inside if not out worldly.

                                   Even as I pulled out my supplies and though of what I would make, I felt the calm rolling in the fresh breeze of creativity running out of my heart to play for others to see and dance in freedom. I felt my soul sigh relief, as the day ended and my hands were sore from snapping glass and my back ached from leaning over the table I was so happy I needed that I needed that. Why do I do that why do I wait till I am going to go off the rails till I do something I love to do? I don't know I was going to buy a guitar the other day and didn't because I have literally 3 new thing I own and want to try am excited to do and have not tried yet. Why? Does anyone else do this? Ugh man I don't get it. This makes me so happy and as long as it does not take over it should not be a problem unless it becomes my job which would be so very cool I could not stand it. then I could write and create all day long and I think I might just glow like a light bulb if that was true.

Finding me

                   Still kinda possessing my reunion experience, I know shocker! I can't help it I think life is a learning and unlearning experience.  I do not mean to be boring and keep droning on about but I had some things I learned about my self I had not seen or seen to the extent I did that night. I think some time seeing our selves in different lights shows us things I had never thought of.

                       First thing I learned about my self is I had no idea how much I hid behind my husband, No intentionally I just think he is amazing and really fun neat guy I am lucky to know let alone get to spend my life with.  The people there wanted to meet him too but they really wanted to talk to me. Even had around 10 or so people say that I was one of the people they were really looking forward to seeing. WOW really, for the girl who grew up thinking my just being there bothered people it to hear that from those I thought I bothered was awesome. I just don't see my self that way it was kinda nice, gave me confidence to be more out going: More present, more me. It was like finding me again finding that girl pulling her out and showing her all the love that had been around her that she could not see before because of all that was going on. Redeeming those days leaving that pain behind an pulling her out with all the people with me. Highly recommend this experience if you can go back and face hard time in your life or something that is hard for you:  DO IT!

                          The second thing I learned about my self that I had been kinda knowing but just realized more fully was that I really do have a better time If I know everyone is. If I see everyone is talking laughing I can relax I struggle seeing others struggle not finding their spot. I know this is probable this is a really deep seeded problem but I really noticed the difference in me when I noticed some one upset or being ignored.  There is a shift I pick up on right away, Even if I under the reason behind it I just feel that tension very strongly. I never could, I remember having my 5th grade or 6th grade birthday party I didn't want to leave anyone out so I invited all the girls from my class. It was a disaster I remember crying in the living room because the forming clicks from class were still there, I was devastated. All these years later I still do that. SO I guess what I resaw in my self was that did not change and is just as strong as ever.

                     The last thing I learned is that people are fascinating. I love people to talk with everyone I wanted it to be quiet and just sit with good coffee or the beer we had and talk about everything. Really I think the people in my class are surprising and warm wonderful people It can not be a fluke that this group was so dynamic, or maybe it is and Everyone should grow up in Beaver Dam. and last but not least: Friends will always be friends. You will act like a teenager with the people you were one with for the rest of your life. Enjoy it even if you lost touch and do not see each other when you get together again you will remember why you were so nervous about leaving after graduation even if you could not wait to go every year up till that point.

                        I do not know if this translates into anything good for anyone to read  or get anything from but I had to get  these thoughts out and I am done writing now about this and will have new subjects to talk about next time. I found so freeing thing visiting the past and I am so glad of the people I got to do this with. ('92 you rule. <3)

In search of....

            I went to my 20th reunion this weekend, I never thought I would. High School was such a hard time for me I never thought I would want to go back. In the last few years I have been struggling to heal my self from the inside out. Plus the extra weight I still carry from when I was so sick, not that I do not know it saved me but the fear of judgment. ugh. I have been struggling  letting go of the negative and taking a new road positivity. I can not say I am great at this, I am not. However I am trying, it has cost me a lot but I have gained so much more. Honestly if I had not I am not sure I would still be here at all the crushingness of it was killing me. I found me, I found life, contentment, and strength I never knew I had so far. SO part of this new me is facing things that might be hard or painful taking their power away. So my Goal besides seeing people I have not seen in 20 years was to face this to see if my unhappiness with me and my life had tainted how I saw those days.

             SO I took my Rescue remedy and went (best thing ever!). The first day I was supposed to go with some people I know to a informal meet and greet at a bar down town. Here it was going into a bar where you are unsure you are going to recognize anyone let alone if you like each other or got along at all.. AAAAAAAAAAAA..... It was terrifying. No one was in the bar that looked our age. so fighting the urge to slam 2 tequila shots and leave I ordered one drink for me one for my hubby. And we ventured out to the porch and it was dark but bright so I could not see any faces like walking in to a spotlight I started to sweat from nerves, oh my God how am I going to recognize anyone? I got all the way to the end of the patio and still my eyes had not adjusted too well went one face started to looked like I might know her and she got up saying my name and giving me a huge hug. I felt my body sigh with relief. I looked around and one by one the names and faces clicked inside my head and as we sat it was an ease of conversation and not too uncomfortable silences, jokes and just a fun time made me so glad I could go. I left more free than when I went in it was a great night I knew I could do this! One down one to go. Bring it Bitches you can't take me down.

               The next morning at like 6 am I woke up with a splitting tension headache and defending how great I felt about the night before, seriously almost screaming mid sentence of no I had a great time as I woke up.  SO I broke out the rescue remedy and so Advil and Tom prayed for me and I did too. and the room actually felt lighter my head felt a little better and We went back to sleep and woke up fine. I think mostly it was a retraining my brain that caused this, taking back the people from the ick I felt growing up revising the broken girl that away felt unwanted and shoved aside and seeing how many people actually cared about her. Because they were all great dynamic people (seriously I am impressed with how cool my class is)  it was not them that made me miserable it was me and how I felt about that time tainting my view.  Wiping that taint off is no small task for queen of the awkward like me but it was starting to go.

                  Next comes dinner with a few people we opted out of  the awesome home town favorite pizza for the new Margarita place, best choice ever. There were a few of us and an a fiend that was there with her mother in-law, we had so much fun I think my hubby blushed all the way through dinner, which takes  a lot but prepped him for the night.

                 Then we met up with a friend and drove out because it was too much to think of going in alone. In the parking lot it was so odd to know everyone walking in, but my nerves were still shaky so I said a few quick hi's and before I could loose my never I went inside. Found my name tag and headed for the bar. it was very crowded and like hot and sticky with all the people in there shoulder to shoulder, plus my nerves were making me sweat. Name tag on I found some friends and started talking. and started to calm down. I ran into a few people and was still feeling awkward and unsure but then I found my groove and it was great. I taking with some people I had not known well in school but have gotten to know a little now and respect through facebook.  and the night went on like that I ran into person after person that I was so glad to talk too. A few awkward times of brain freeze but hey what fun would life be with out them. My husband made friends caused trouble with some random biker guys and was being a social butterfly he is by the end of the night. I found my self being the person that wants everyone to be included sitting back scanning the crowd looking for anyone not connecting or alone, but there was none. I had to stop my self from just sitting back and flouting in that peace enjoying seeing people connecting so well and feeling the love of it.The time was too short there were people I wanted to talk to so much more but the not liking  middle of a crowd with loudness thing was working against me, and I seriously just wanted to have coffee with everyone sit down a dish talk about life and laugh. But I am better one on one or small group of people I get over whelmed by the number of people I wanted to talk to other wise. SO after all my fear of shyness taking over me, the lack of shyness and over wanting to talk was the issue.

              I walked away making peace with my past me and refinding friends I never really lost and appreciating them all over again for who they are. So sad there were people I missed talking before the end, and joyfully finding people I missed talking to. I am not sure anyone will find this interesting or not but my brain would not let me sleep till it was typed out. If you have a reunion GO, be free from what ever is stopping you from wanting to see the best part of those days: the ones you laughed with, got in trouble with and just enjoyed the company of. Live free let nothing hold you down even if it is you or your sight of things being what is pinning you.

Flop sweat and sweat

the horror the is Jazzercise

  The time has come no more waiting in the back the horror of it all the painful twisting of muscle, being packed in like wriggling sardines still moving as the top of the can is sealed. Yes it is time to join the gym.. this anxiety build place for me this den of judgment and condemnation has again made it's way into my life. This is a good thing it is what I want but it is also scary for me having only had one good gym experience I am heavily relying on to make it through the door of this new one. This has been giving me nightmares for days thinking about this. Where perk tones bitches push there way through rooms of people to give me hurtful not helpful advice (yes this happens to me occasionally) or the Jazzercize nightmare of Psychedelic leotards that my Mom forced me to go to And last but not least Gym class with teachers that regularly taunted those not athletically inclined, cue memory of jerk wad Gym teacher being driving instructor making you do push ups in the middle of the street for hitting the curb parking in front of my boyfriends house both humiliation and the terror of being hit by a car. The horror associated with gyms and gym related people is huge! My nightmares differ occasionally on how I handle it some are rooms of people laughing at me some are the beat down of perky girl and my favorite the verbal smack down ending in her hopefully learning something (ok you got me I like the beat down too). 

I remember this at the Y when I was younger.
(Not her the equipment)

                                                  That said I have high hopes for the gym we are joining, like the one good experience with gyms that I have joined there are great things a pool good equipment people who help design a work out for you and the best part a movie theater with exercise equipment in it so no one can see me doing my thing, this is the best part for me. I loved the gym we joined years ago something about having people that would know if I did not go and the cheapness in me of not wanting to pay for something I did not use worked for me I went daily loved it so much made friends with some of the people who worked there and really would have continued to go had I not busted my knee up, got seriously ill and lost my job all in the same few months. This is the feeling I am hoping to build on supportive people not the knee busting out of workness. That is the plan hope it turns out that way for me and to the bin of judgment I am trying to be positive and not expect the worst.

                          For me I am ok with me I love my self where I am this took a long time a lot of effort and so much love from those in my life seriously I have the best people ever in my life. This is about being more active free to do the things I want to do. Healthier not stick figure or barbie perfect not that I think that is ever possible for me in the slightest. The me I am expecting to find under all this is a curvy girl with big hips big boobs and attitude. Yeah here's hoping I find here under here. Hello are ya there come out come out who ever you are.

How did that happen?

                        I have a hard time alining my self with being a christian most times. Not because I  do not love Jesus or am not a follower of his way but because of what the word has come to be associated with. I was watching a show on PBS about our founding fathers and their struggle to write the constitution of the US and the times and reasoning around that. For a people who came from a land where the monarch and the church aligned under pain of death letting people worship as they wished was a bold dream never before given to a people. A boldness that was fallowed by an out poring of the holy spirit. Also accompanied by a crack down of the established churches of the time as they feared this freedom.

                      I know a few of the things fallowing the ways of Jesus has Effected the world. The right for women to vote and be heard in the public arena, fighting against abuse on women and children, end of slavery, the humane treatment of prisoners, care for widows the poor,  orphans , and the ill, stopping child labor in the US, the red cross and salvation army still care for the poor and those in war and disasters, the YMCA, and laws that are for all people where previously they had been power birth right influenced. So why is this such a contradiction to what it is seen as today. Where people shout at others holding offensive signs and are known more for what they are against than what they are for.

                                         I a world full of red faced talking heads shouting against this and against that . UGh who needs it. There is that annoying christian saying that goes if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything.  What about standing for love standing for the oppressed standing for people. I love people people are the best people I know. Since when does loving someone mean you have to agree with everything they say and do. If that is a requirement we would be very lonely people or just not know each other very well if this was the case.
                                      

                                         I look at the raging debate over gay marriage and all I can see is cherry picking of verses you do not understand mixed with homophobia that pushes people God loves further from him. How would you feel if you are constantly told someone hates you. If you were thinking about the person rather than who they love or how they do that the behavior see today would not happen. I look at the history of marriage and just less than a generation ago my marriage would be illegal, being interracial. I had an uncle who was with the same partner for years they loved each other so much you could tell even as a child I knew they loved each other it did not scar me to know this. If they had the choice I do think they would have gotten married it pains me to think they could not. Talking the religion out of it they are Americans they pay taxes my religious right should not stop them from having their civil rights.

                                   I am not sure that this did much as far as a post if I made any points or not or even if this is a coherent string of words it just has been simmering in me a long time. I long for followers of Jesus to be known for what he was about freeing the enslaved , loving your neighbor, and  the fierce rebellion against the oppressors. After all it is what they tried to kill him for.

I'm right and you are stupid

              When did we stop listening to each other? I get the people getting paid to sling mud being this way but as humans one person to another when did another opinion become a threat? Are we so insecure in what we think that we can not allow for others to have their own thoughts. This is just not in political arguments it is in all discussions if you can call them that. Listening to others can expand our own world, most of us are trapped in a very small world view, other people have other experiences that we do not.

            People wonder all the time why more people vote for Dancing with the Stars than give a crap about things that actually impact their lives. I think it is this kind of talk that is driving people to focus on the trivial. People are rabid about their ideas and even if someone is a little interested in something they get blasted as soon as they ask or look into it with negativity and hostility, they then just check out again.  We take our selves way to seriously, we are more than our opinions as humans. It is not a bad thing to evaluate our ideas from time to time. If they are worth keeping they will make it if they are not we should have the courage and humility to  admit it and move on.

                                              Is being right worth loosing relationship over or berating a person for? When did a need to be right become more important than another person? I am not saying we should not have an opinion or state said opinion in fact I think it necessary. However I am not willing to let that be all that matters.

even if you shake

Ugh I fell like I write this all the time. I get so down on my self when I can't find anything interesting to write about. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer when the world rears up an gut checks me I loose all perspective. I for get each of us has a view that is like no other my view is my own and sharing it helps me sort it but also allows others to share their views and perspective widening my own giving me a better view than my navel I have been pondering with the limited view life gives. I may not shatter the earth with my brilliance/ quirky voice but I will at least speak.

I was listening to a poet today called Sarah Kay her ted talk, at the end she recited her poem and in it she was talking about Hiroshima and the blast burning the rocks and evaporating the people in the blast and the rocks being burnt except where the people had shielded it with there bodies leaving a white mark of their out line, a positive image. I want that, not to be vaporized but to leave a positive mark. it does not have to be big it can just be an out line but I want when the world finally vaporizes me for the mark that is left is of where I blocked the darkness. for some part to remain where the darkness of life can not take over that because I was here because I spoke because I had the courage to be who I was made to be.

God that sounds good, right? Sounds like someone so full of optimism you would think the world never touched them with darkness that light just free flows from their eyes and finger tips rather than the anxiety laden person who doesn't have the patience to wait for the page to load so she plays a game while she does everything person actually writing this. But is the truth of how I feel inside, no matter how much soul crushing radiative ash making crap life brings this is all I have. Don't get me wrong I have some very good things in my life I would not give up the relationships experiences and things that have formed me into this neurotic women I am, but all I own in my life is that. I can own my voice I can own the time I place into loving well. I may not be the most brilliant my words may be spoken better by others but the uniqueness that is me can not. SO I am going to stand on the words of a person I forgot who they were but not what they said that said speak even if your voice shakes in the hopes that someday even if they can not name me my words will bring that kind of courage to someone else.

Nourish

I have been working on a healthier life for my self and have found it interesting how much I try to make my self suffer for it. Not just in depriving my self, contrary to popular belief people who weight more than they are supposed to do medicate with food but also are very much into making them selves suffer in it.   I found a saying the other day that is sticking with me. Fear makes you cling to the strangest things. This is true in this fear of failing makes me not eat all I am supposed to eat of the good things and when I do this that makes me spin off into unhealthy behaviors. This is so true for me in life not just trying to be healthy.

                   I wonder what life would really be like if I treated my self well nourished my self well and lived well. not extravagantly that would just be uncomfortable for me but well. I am on a mission to find out taking what I need not just the scraps I allow my self out of a lack of care or business really taking time to care and do what is right for a good life. Even writing that I feel the need to disclaim about not being selfish and self centered how sad is that. Just taking time to actually take care twists in my head to being something abhorrent to me. (sigh) Maybe one day this will be second nature to me but as for now I am setting alarms to eat lunch take a break in the after noon to stretch and enjoy 10 min minimum to care for my self. I am hoping making these appointments with my self is a good step in the right direction.

The Others

           I have been thinking this morning about a challenge a friend of mine made to me to think of  the 10 things that are most important to me. with all the things going in politics here in WI and around our country I am thinking of Arizona and North Carolina as I write this One jumps to mind I wanted to share here. I have been noticing it all day in looking at the propaganda posts of all sides the cartoons and "news" posts is that the old ways are still effective. Making some one other than us makes them distant and then we can cast all our fear and negativity on them. It is dangerous in my mind to do so all propaganda has started this way all hate lives here. When someone is unlike us we distrust them because after all if they had the same information as us they would believe as we do, and if they do have the same information they must be stupid or evil wanting destruction of us all.

                 Look at the stereo types placed in cultures The Indians wanted to kill us, the Micks were rats taking over. IN our own day look what is said about people that are Arab, Black, or of Hispanic decent in the name of saving our people / protecting our borders or gay marriage. They are going to bring the destruction of us all. We will live in jejad, and the Mexicans are going to over run us, and the gays will bring about the down fall of marriage. The call for this is is that they are other than us they are not like us, their values are different so they are flawed. This has all been said before Russians in the cold war, the Irish in the turn of the century were going to over run our nation The end of slavery and Jim crow laws were going to bring down our economy and letting couples from other faiths or races marry was going to bring down the institution it self.

                               If the border thing is so true why is it always the southern border we worry about I am closer to the Canadian border both our our allies there are as many Canadian people here illegally as any other.  No one disparages the  pick up hockey team from there, or the very polite people at the coffee shop, But the very polite people buy salsa are so different? The equality of all people in our nation has done so much to enrich our lives as a people so many people from other cultures have added to us as a people not taken away.

         Couples inter marry with other religions and races (my self being one) and very live happy lives. This was not so in just the generation before us. Hundreds of thousands of Arab people live in our country and want it to do well for their children and them selves because it is their land too. That actions of a few horrible people should not taint our view of all people. Most serial killers have been white do other people need to worry that we will go all Dexter on them?
              The moment we make someone different from our selves an "other" it makes it ok to do things say things we could not do when we see them as our selves as valuable. It allows fear to rule us, fear makes a poor ruler. If someone is valuable even if they are different from us, if not only that but they can offer us a wider view of the world then we hold in our singular look at it. Giving perspective and wisdom to us that other wise would be lost showing things we would not want to see or would gloss over, makes us stronger. It takes hate out of it. How can you hate someone like you how can you hate one of us. Hate never rings perspective never brings growth it keeps one trapped. I listened to a TEd talk the other day about being wrong and the one thing that stood out to me in it is that being wrong has no feeling it feels very much like being right, till we are proven wrong. If all we do is hang out with those like us there is so much we could be wrong about and never know. I am a firm believer Love wins every time Love is stronger than hate. In Love for others there is not room for making someone other than your self they are like you human. Love can cast out fear, there is no reasoning with fear and hate. It does not make us free it enslaves us limits who are as a people: makes who we will be smaller then who we could be. Both as a nation a people and human-beings.

Paradox

I am still so distracted about the trip next year I put pictures every where on the computer it is my cover picture my screen saver my wall paper. I have gone southern mad. I am not sure what it is about the south I loved visiting there as a child the glossed over history and the dark underbelly, beautiful flowers plants air plants that add mystique, old plantations beautiful and sad with history of oppression, The beaches and wildlife, the iron work and just how different it feels from here. I love it! I am so excited to get to go there and see a house that belonged to an 3 or 4 time great grandfather of mine. Tom has been wanting to take me there since we found out the place existed. I was not sure I wanted to be do really want to see it see where they walked see where they lived what they were like.

                    It is weird to think of them being slave owners and doing horrible things that went with that. Finding my family history has been both very fun and not so much all at the same time because of finding people like that in my past where their lives were fascinating yet they were not people of great moral values. May be more a product of their times but it still feels wrong to a person who believes in freedom and honoring and respecting others so much. This will be the first time I have been back down south since I have known about this I wonder if it will change my view. AS a child the drama of gone with the wind filled my head with the dreams of a different time. I did a hell of Scarlet impression, my mom loved it got me out of a lot of tuff spots. But as I grew older and learned the history I was so embarrassed of how much I loved it. There is so much good about the south not just the food but that is high on the list. the music and richness lives there Alligators and dolphins. so much history and so much new that is good too. I don't know if I will ever get over my love of the south but I am in good company so many artists and musicians never have either. There was a part of the book I was reading with my book club that talked about paradox and how that is where interest lives spark of life, I think the south is that for me. So much beauty so much darkness so much life so many ghost tours. (Hee hee hee ) I am excited to see how I see this word as an adult and see it for the first time in my husbands eyes.

I am not sure why it is so hard to talk about weight not like anyone looking at me would be like OMG I never noticed how did you hide it all these years. It has been a sensitive subject for me for years not that I am afraid to talk about it, but when you randomly get assaulted by people verbally for it in public it becomes an issue. No seriously I have had people run across rooms down blocks and be held back like a person in a fight trying to "help" me: it is not helpful. If you are doing helpful hints to strangers in public to those who do not ask you word of advice unsolicited hints are not advice they are critique and damaging. Stop it!  Also a word to those who tease to help someone make a change Stop it! Last group if you are at the same group to loose weight or make a change you are in no position to judge other that are there for the same, enjoy the comradeship leave the I need to make my self feel better by by mocking and cutting others down at home.
These thing do make it hard to be vulnerable about where you are and the struggle to change, and no not exaggerating real examples and more behind all.

     Sorry sorry. In this day and age it is the thing you do not want to be is Fat. You can be a drug user you can be an abuser all that but fat even gain a few pounds and Bam you are done no redemption. Even if you loose it you are mocked and monitored look at Kristy Alley. It is a little different for men they are more respected when they are heavier my friends cousin lost several hundred pounds and had to gain 75 back because it was effecting his job. But in the land of the 15 inch waist of Angelina how dose one make it when you do not. Don't get me wrong I love all she has over come and what she stands for but eat something!!! In my home town they just arrested a couple for not feeding their baby there was a lot to it but one thing I am talking about is they had the Baby in the hospital on Iv's trying to get the weight up and they snatched her out without Dr. consent because she gained a pound in 3 days way less than she needed to gain. Really we look at those poor kids who survived neglect like not being fed and surviving eating the walls and your first thought is that is so sad but they are trim kids. I know we are not all that messed up but it feels that way some times.

       Having been on diets since I was 5 it is hard to look at with optimistic point of view.  But I am committed to making healthy choices not being on a diet. The out look is so much easier for me to enjoy the process along the way. I am also so grateful for the love and support I have revived not pressure at all but the cheering on and understanding has been awesome. So step by step leaf by leaf I walk this road. Trying to be vulnerable and honest along the way.

      I do not want to make this bog all about weight but I am feeling this today so this is today and what I had to say.

The dream that ruined my life

So I have been debating about writing this out but I think I need to. Last week I had a dream that ruined my life. I dreamed I was free of all the things that worp me. All the things that I feel define me as me were gone yet I felt more me than I have ever felt in my life. I felt so light I was afraid to walk the the gravity would not be able to hold me down. I was doing my life more free and open not confined by the usual anxed that I feel. As I began to wake up I felt the Lord talking to me about each thing he was placing back on me and how it has changed me. The weight of each thing was huge. Some were my reactions to pain caused to me. other were my own creation I cried with each one I woke balling and so sad I had to return to this life with all the crushing things that I knoticed before and have run into all my life but never knew how much it was not me.
One of these things is the rebel heart I have loved and cheered in my life and the oposit of that compliance that has plauged me I spent so much time caving to those forces in my life. The way I felt in the dream was like I was living actually in the kingdom living axactly as God wanted me to the things I did. the middle road between giving in to presure and going the other way in regection of that presure. I think so often I have lived in reaction both caving and rebelinng rather than living just as me.

So after this dream I honestly was so sad I had to live in this yuck that defines me more than it should, I also and this sounds so mellow dramatic but I Honestly was afraid I would die. I beleive in healing so much and have had tasts of the freedom and the lightness but never togeather nor the amount. I had never thought that amount of healing was posible or that one could live if they experianced it. SO I knew I was going to die. I wrote out my dream so people would know why I died and I knew people needed to know this was posible it might kill ya but it was what Jesus talked about the pearl in the feild that you would selling everything to own. It was the Kingdom of God. I tend towards drama in expressing things but Honestly I can say I am under selling this, there just is not words to describe it well.

This dream as ruined my life I mean it ruined me for it. I no longer am willing to just excpt the things weighing me down as me. I am sold out for the pearl there is nothing worth more, not that I no longer want things I do and will. But when the chips are down my number one want is Jesus. I have known for long time I am called by him but still have no clue into what, But I will take a que from Bill and trust God's will for my life is none of my business. I am still unravling what this means but I do know there was something the Lord spaired me and did not lay back on my when he piled the soul worping things back on me and the was a dought in who I am and who He is. Not that I have any answers as to who I am other than knowing how God sees me, That enough for me right now.

Everything is so important

   Everything feels so important lately. People starving in  Somalia walking 18 hours to just get somewhere for help leaviing children dead on the road cuz they are too weak to carry or bury them. London a blaze with riots with little solid reasons known behind it. In my state deep rip on our communities felt so close, the elections lost and won by just a few vote with corruption and fraud being raised. Even closer dear friends living in grief over loss and illness. My heart breaks and longs for something different in all these things, the overwhelming sense of grief and injustice hangs in the air in daily life tangible just under everything we see. It is so easy to sit in my comfy chair and turn it off or become numb to those suffering make them and other, you know. I am not like that, I am glad I am not there. They are outside my experience so do we tune it out.

                        Since I was a young girl nothing has felt more right to me than to fight for Justice for others. Learning about Apartheid in 8th grade all I wanted to do was to go there and fight for justice for the oppresed people. It has been the only thing I have ever felt I was built for.

                      The need is so great, the wave so overwhelming and the words seem to evaporate into nothingness in the face of so much pain. People say all I can do is Pray. All we can do? I think there is a fundamental image problem with Prayer. All we can do is ask the power that raised Jesus from the Dead into any of these world ending things. Jesus came to bring freedom to the enslaved hope to the lost and healing to a broken hurting world: there is a tension we live in the already and not yet. Jesus brought in the kingdom of God available to us all. But that kingdom is here and now and yet is to come. Not a contradiction but a real. We can not comand God, we can ask Him into a situation not to our will or our bidding but to bring the healing and life to it. When we pray there is always a response, always, never an exception, never. When I pray and I do not get my way I am inclined to say God did not respond, but this is an inacurate view. As we pray we invite change we invite growth we invite justice and light into the dark place in our lives or the lives of our love ones or those we may never know around the world. This may take longer than we are will to see or want that does not mean there was no response. What happens when we pray is we invite God to break through and make a change that would not happen if we do not ask. For His will for our lives or those of others to break into our reality making miracles and the supernatural or natural appearing things happen. I never got when people would say it was a natural ocurrance to explain away something extraodinary that happens that is a bit out of the ordinary. Nature is extraodinary,who would have thought a flower can break up a sidewalk? even if it is just how it works that is extrodinary!

                        People never understand why I am so passionate about Prayer and think it's boring and ineffective: But it is never either of those things It is not head down eyes closed stay quiet kind of Prayer, it is eyes open shouting, crying, doing daily life, and talking to friends while I pray kind of thing. Not to be a shame thing for those that do not, but for me it is how I deal with all the injustice and pain I see in the world otherwise it just is a tidal wave and we stand on the shore waiting to be swallowed or worse we become calloused or tune it out. I just can not see standing in face of so much and just turning my back. To see the pain in a strangers eyes and not ask God to intervene. I may never meet them but I know one thing, God loves them and mourns with them, or celebrates with them no matter their view of Him. Jesus love is not bound by all the rules man tries to put on him. the in and out club of church has nothing to do with how far and how wide the Grace will takes us further than an gymnast can bend. The question for me is Am I willing to let Jesus challenge me? Will I let him break my heart for others will I let him show me myself and how I am like the person that I can not stand at this moment? Will I be willing to stand with the hurting with out trying to fix it or change them but can I stand and love even those that I naturally would not?

The Squeak

So I started this blog because I feel I need a place to have a voice. So much of my life has told me to shut up and not say anything. I do not know if you can relate but it seems a theam in my life.


I used to love to sing. I did it all the time, I woud walk around singing all the time. A few friends and my hubby encuraged me that I sound good but I lost my joy in it long ago when A 'profesional' guy brought in when  to our chorus class said "You were the reason choruses were for volume, not quality". I was crushed and have lost my confidence in singing since. I struggle to sing in worship even in church, afraid someone will hear me. I recently have started singing just at home again trying to gain back a little of my voice, not the sound of it but the right to do it. It may sound small and tright but I feel it is a step to gaining back a small part of me held too long by someone who ment no good for me.


Since I started singing again all this stuff seams to have come back ground.  I thought I gained and been healed from. Growing up I never was enough for my Dad, who I was at my core was wrong and he felt it was His job to save me from myself litterally who I was. My personality how I saw the world even my joy and excitment about the world needed to be changed. Leaving me with a deep lack of identity, I have struggled for years to gain a sense of who I am and gain the ability to have a voice or something of value to say. Not that it's more important than others I loath being put on a pedestal or held up mostly cuz I struggle with legitimacy in being worthy of being in the room at all.


Why do we as people have such a struggle either putting people up on a pedestal or under our feet? Why is equality and just honoring each individual for who they are such a hard goal to reach? Everyone deserves to have a voice, everyone is deserving of love and healing God has to offer. It seems in the church if you admit you struggle and are hurting in need of God's healing and help people can not seem to relate or deal with it. They either want to fix you with more religious behavior or shame you into silence.

I know God can heal, I know God sees me different than  I seee myself or how I see him. That does not change the fact I am where I am. The Holy Spirit can heal and bring new life to areas long dead with in me. It may not be instant or anything like that but as I come before the The Lord I will be changed,  I will heal.

I have a tatoo on my arm that reads learning to live loved, It is not for show or anyone else. It is large and somewhere I see it every day to remind me I am loved by God, I am learning to live that way. I do not have the answers, I do not have a pretext that says I know anything other than I am in desperate need of Jesus,  His love, His healing, His hope.


The only voice I have is mine, My little squeak will continue as I learn to walk this life, maybe one day it will be confident enough to be more than a squeak.