Tuesday, May 29, 2012

even if you shake

Ugh I fell like I write this all the time. I get so down on my self when I can't find anything interesting to write about. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer when the world rears up an gut checks me I loose all perspective. I for get each of us has a view that is like no other my view is my own and sharing it helps me sort it but also allows others to share their views and perspective widening my own giving me a better view than my navel I have been pondering with the limited view life gives. I may not shatter the earth with my brilliance/ quirky voice but I will at least speak.

I was listening to a poet today called Sarah Kay her ted talk, at the end she recited her poem and in it she was talking about Hiroshima and the blast burning the rocks and evaporating the people in the blast and the rocks being burnt except where the people had shielded it with there bodies leaving a white mark of their out line, a positive image. I want that, not to be vaporized but to leave a positive mark. it does not have to be big it can just be an out line but I want when the world finally vaporizes me for the mark that is left is of where I blocked the darkness. for some part to remain where the darkness of life can not take over that because I was here because I spoke because I had the courage to be who I was made to be.

God that sounds good, right? Sounds like someone so full of optimism you would think the world never touched them with darkness that light just free flows from their eyes and finger tips rather than the anxiety laden person who doesn't have the patience to wait for the page to load so she plays a game while she does everything person actually writing this. But is the truth of how I feel inside, no matter how much soul crushing radiative ash making crap life brings this is all I have. Don't get me wrong I have some very good things in my life I would not give up the relationships experiences and things that have formed me into this neurotic women I am, but all I own in my life is that. I can own my voice I can own the time I place into loving well. I may not be the most brilliant my words may be spoken better by others but the uniqueness that is me can not. SO I am going to stand on the words of a person I forgot who they were but not what they said that said speak even if your voice shakes in the hopes that someday even if they can not name me my words will bring that kind of courage to someone else.

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