Every four years

On Guard!

          I am a geek, yes you know this by now but it's true. I am a total Olympics geek. I love it all Fencing to white water rafting Yes sign me up to watch. It is the weirdest thing ever four years I end up glued to the tv loosing sleep because I have to know how the Fencing team did. I would never watch most of this at any other time. Once ever 4 years I am an expert wondering why the judges gave a break to the Chines diver they obviously had a bigger splash than Mexico did are they blind. Hate the Chines drivers so smug, bastards.

Holy crap!

          I am not sure where this started when I was young I would watch and try to do the gymnastic things in the basement leading to sprains and broken things (the uncoordinated should not try graceful things), Working at a expensive private school during the summer that brought in former pro tennis people to teach tennis while watching the Olympics with them was very cool (ok that was a highlight for me.)  Having a friend that almost went was also cool, there are so many memories of this that just make it awesome. Then there was the awesomeness for an adventuring girl or wanna be adventurer to know the whole world was watching. Awesome!

SAnka training.

                    Years later when I married a man from another country I found out that last part not so much true. The never watched the Olympics in Mexico and if not there where else were they not watching was Cool Runnings even true? This was earth shattering, I have changed this for my hubby anyway and changed him into a nut like me. He actually maybe more so he knows all the names and that.

Dive! Dive!

                                             I love the struggle the blow out games the guy that had never rowed before a few months ago that came and finished his first race. YES! Bring it all. I am annoyed this year by NBC's editing of the games really dude this is not some lamo reality show this is fine the way it is. Yesterday it was obvious when Mexico fell out of the diving metal running and they stopped showing them, we still want to see the competition, And there are more than 4 guys diving right? What's with leaving out the tribute to the people that died in the bombing in London. Really you think us so self serving and self centered we do not care. It is the TV equivalent to the ugly American traveler that insults everything and only eats and drinks only coke, and spray cheese on crackers when they go to France or Italy. Then there is the news people with the spoilers tell who won what before they show the game/ match or what ever it is called. Has the modern succubi or our culture finally gotten so bad it has wrecked the Olympics? Kinda yeah, I hate to say it but it has for me a bit I still watch but knowing who wins kinda takes the edge out of the race or the competition.

Stop Glaring at me I didn't call you old!

                                          The there is the adds ok I might buy the Subway commercial but I am so not buying that any of these elite athletes ate McDonald's food ever.  Why is it some of the most unhealthy stuff ever tries to attach it self to a very healthy thing. Am I just getting old that these things are bothering me now? Is it youth that brings so much of the magic of the games? MAybe, I like the dream of it the with good people working hard living right being silly in videos: yes, love that. However I do not need to know one of the swimmers on the team likes one night stands vs. relationships. I guess in the world of instant info that is what allows me to know / over know all of this is both fun blessing and I never needed to know the STD of that person all at the same time. It is not the Bachelor If you start giving me the hook up report I am done, really that is not what this is about. One last thing what is with the lack of quality of the reporters? Calling Phelps Old after the gold relay, or just lack of professionalism. Seriously repeating them selves because it seems to me like they do not know what they are talking about or they are rereading the prompter this has happened 7 times since I started counting it. Our crap new reporters reporting has now wrecked the Olympics. They used to have people that were actually in the sport that knew what was what, now they are all trying to be the morning zoo crew and loosing the whole meaning. Not everything has to be a punch line, also a call from Justin Beber is not the end all top call you can get. It is still better to get a call from the president maybe read a book report spreader of information.

Dig! Dig!

                          Sigh, Maybe beach volley ball or track Cycling will sooth me. Whisking me back to the days when my sister and I put holes in the ceiling fencing. I do think this acting out what is happening on the screen made it more fun. The other night at the gym when I went with my Hubby while we were lifting weights and walk/ running on the tread mill it was so much more fun to watch with no sound. Maybe the child in me just wants to sprain her ankle again with the joy of winning gold while doing it. Watching the flag rise while you ice your foot, good times good times. Medal on Mike medal on!

Finding me

                   Still kinda possessing my reunion experience, I know shocker! I can't help it I think life is a learning and unlearning experience.  I do not mean to be boring and keep droning on about but I had some things I learned about my self I had not seen or seen to the extent I did that night. I think some time seeing our selves in different lights shows us things I had never thought of.

                       First thing I learned about my self is I had no idea how much I hid behind my husband, No intentionally I just think he is amazing and really fun neat guy I am lucky to know let alone get to spend my life with.  The people there wanted to meet him too but they really wanted to talk to me. Even had around 10 or so people say that I was one of the people they were really looking forward to seeing. WOW really, for the girl who grew up thinking my just being there bothered people it to hear that from those I thought I bothered was awesome. I just don't see my self that way it was kinda nice, gave me confidence to be more out going: More present, more me. It was like finding me again finding that girl pulling her out and showing her all the love that had been around her that she could not see before because of all that was going on. Redeeming those days leaving that pain behind an pulling her out with all the people with me. Highly recommend this experience if you can go back and face hard time in your life or something that is hard for you:  DO IT!

                          The second thing I learned about my self that I had been kinda knowing but just realized more fully was that I really do have a better time If I know everyone is. If I see everyone is talking laughing I can relax I struggle seeing others struggle not finding their spot. I know this is probable this is a really deep seeded problem but I really noticed the difference in me when I noticed some one upset or being ignored.  There is a shift I pick up on right away, Even if I under the reason behind it I just feel that tension very strongly. I never could, I remember having my 5th grade or 6th grade birthday party I didn't want to leave anyone out so I invited all the girls from my class. It was a disaster I remember crying in the living room because the forming clicks from class were still there, I was devastated. All these years later I still do that. SO I guess what I resaw in my self was that did not change and is just as strong as ever.

                     The last thing I learned is that people are fascinating. I love people to talk with everyone I wanted it to be quiet and just sit with good coffee or the beer we had and talk about everything. Really I think the people in my class are surprising and warm wonderful people It can not be a fluke that this group was so dynamic, or maybe it is and Everyone should grow up in Beaver Dam. and last but not least: Friends will always be friends. You will act like a teenager with the people you were one with for the rest of your life. Enjoy it even if you lost touch and do not see each other when you get together again you will remember why you were so nervous about leaving after graduation even if you could not wait to go every year up till that point.

                        I do not know if this translates into anything good for anyone to read  or get anything from but I had to get  these thoughts out and I am done writing now about this and will have new subjects to talk about next time. I found so freeing thing visiting the past and I am so glad of the people I got to do this with. ('92 you rule. <3)

In search of....

            I went to my 20th reunion this weekend, I never thought I would. High School was such a hard time for me I never thought I would want to go back. In the last few years I have been struggling to heal my self from the inside out. Plus the extra weight I still carry from when I was so sick, not that I do not know it saved me but the fear of judgment. ugh. I have been struggling  letting go of the negative and taking a new road positivity. I can not say I am great at this, I am not. However I am trying, it has cost me a lot but I have gained so much more. Honestly if I had not I am not sure I would still be here at all the crushingness of it was killing me. I found me, I found life, contentment, and strength I never knew I had so far. SO part of this new me is facing things that might be hard or painful taking their power away. So my Goal besides seeing people I have not seen in 20 years was to face this to see if my unhappiness with me and my life had tainted how I saw those days.

             SO I took my Rescue remedy and went (best thing ever!). The first day I was supposed to go with some people I know to a informal meet and greet at a bar down town. Here it was going into a bar where you are unsure you are going to recognize anyone let alone if you like each other or got along at all.. AAAAAAAAAAAA..... It was terrifying. No one was in the bar that looked our age. so fighting the urge to slam 2 tequila shots and leave I ordered one drink for me one for my hubby. And we ventured out to the porch and it was dark but bright so I could not see any faces like walking in to a spotlight I started to sweat from nerves, oh my God how am I going to recognize anyone? I got all the way to the end of the patio and still my eyes had not adjusted too well went one face started to looked like I might know her and she got up saying my name and giving me a huge hug. I felt my body sigh with relief. I looked around and one by one the names and faces clicked inside my head and as we sat it was an ease of conversation and not too uncomfortable silences, jokes and just a fun time made me so glad I could go. I left more free than when I went in it was a great night I knew I could do this! One down one to go. Bring it Bitches you can't take me down.

               The next morning at like 6 am I woke up with a splitting tension headache and defending how great I felt about the night before, seriously almost screaming mid sentence of no I had a great time as I woke up.  SO I broke out the rescue remedy and so Advil and Tom prayed for me and I did too. and the room actually felt lighter my head felt a little better and We went back to sleep and woke up fine. I think mostly it was a retraining my brain that caused this, taking back the people from the ick I felt growing up revising the broken girl that away felt unwanted and shoved aside and seeing how many people actually cared about her. Because they were all great dynamic people (seriously I am impressed with how cool my class is)  it was not them that made me miserable it was me and how I felt about that time tainting my view.  Wiping that taint off is no small task for queen of the awkward like me but it was starting to go.

                  Next comes dinner with a few people we opted out of  the awesome home town favorite pizza for the new Margarita place, best choice ever. There were a few of us and an a fiend that was there with her mother in-law, we had so much fun I think my hubby blushed all the way through dinner, which takes  a lot but prepped him for the night.

                 Then we met up with a friend and drove out because it was too much to think of going in alone. In the parking lot it was so odd to know everyone walking in, but my nerves were still shaky so I said a few quick hi's and before I could loose my never I went inside. Found my name tag and headed for the bar. it was very crowded and like hot and sticky with all the people in there shoulder to shoulder, plus my nerves were making me sweat. Name tag on I found some friends and started talking. and started to calm down. I ran into a few people and was still feeling awkward and unsure but then I found my groove and it was great. I taking with some people I had not known well in school but have gotten to know a little now and respect through facebook.  and the night went on like that I ran into person after person that I was so glad to talk too. A few awkward times of brain freeze but hey what fun would life be with out them. My husband made friends caused trouble with some random biker guys and was being a social butterfly he is by the end of the night. I found my self being the person that wants everyone to be included sitting back scanning the crowd looking for anyone not connecting or alone, but there was none. I had to stop my self from just sitting back and flouting in that peace enjoying seeing people connecting so well and feeling the love of it.The time was too short there were people I wanted to talk to so much more but the not liking  middle of a crowd with loudness thing was working against me, and I seriously just wanted to have coffee with everyone sit down a dish talk about life and laugh. But I am better one on one or small group of people I get over whelmed by the number of people I wanted to talk to other wise. SO after all my fear of shyness taking over me, the lack of shyness and over wanting to talk was the issue.

              I walked away making peace with my past me and refinding friends I never really lost and appreciating them all over again for who they are. So sad there were people I missed talking before the end, and joyfully finding people I missed talking to. I am not sure anyone will find this interesting or not but my brain would not let me sleep till it was typed out. If you have a reunion GO, be free from what ever is stopping you from wanting to see the best part of those days: the ones you laughed with, got in trouble with and just enjoyed the company of. Live free let nothing hold you down even if it is you or your sight of things being what is pinning you.

Really this can't be a win for me

             Why is change so hard? Even when you really want it and really do want change it is such a struggle to actually do it to go out the door and take a new path. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this pains me to no end I am not a rut girl I love new I love the different I always want to be original. I have vivid memories of this being  a trait I carried long before I knew what it was. In preschool we took a trip to the post office to mail valentines to our mom's and Dad's we all lined up one by one we march wedding procession styal up the the boxes one by one everyone dropped theirs into the one mail hole ignoring the other perfectly good one next to it. step by step we get closer and before I knew it I was there ready to drop my mail. Boop in it went into the other slot no one else used as my teacher shrieked that I had put mine in the out of town one. I did not care it was mine mail and I wanted to other one. Then there is the questionable fashion choices like the lime green see through head band I wore as sun glasses because no one else had them (Punky Brewster was my hero and fashion Icon). So there have been problem with this I was under the impression change was not one of them, come on if you are going to be original does that not include regular change?

            But here I am trying t push through this slightly premid life crisis and boom I am not wanting change of fighting it being my own worst enemy. I am sure in my very core there are few if any one at this gym I am going to that even notices I am there and yet I can not get over them just being there. Stupid they would so go out of business if I was the only one going but ugh the though of being mocked really gets to me. Thank you Mr. Kiffer and the whole of Jr. high. Not to mention life in general. But now no one is stopping me but me, I am literally defeating my self.  Why can't facing fears be like a movie montage or better yet sitcom half hour never brought up again again till a flash back show. No life has to be about facing that fear any way every time going and keep pressing on. shit life sucks, what sick bastered made this system. Nice to have my own worst enemy looking me in the mirror with all the amo of my past failers and mockings to throw in my face. One trip two trips a whole week of trips miss a few days and slammo again struggling going alone. I will not be the weapon of my own defeat. I will not be the reason I give up on this. I am going to do this I am so sick of stopping my self and letting me defeat me. screw that this woman is leaving that girl behind and do this.

Who do we want to be

DO we think Oliver had it good?

AM I missing something? I do not understand the republican point of view have they no idea what history says about a people who have a few wealthy with the benefits and the poor with more burden. Have they never heard of the serfs or read any Charles dickens hell even seen some of the movies or plays from the times. There is a reason the robber stole from the rich and gave to the poor was the peoples hero. I hear the rest and it sounds so reasonable everyone should pay their own way, sounds fine till you look at the very poor who can not and the very rich who want to pay less. I am tired of the bashing of the poor, even if they are on drugs they have children that deserve to be able to eat why should they suffer because they were delt a bad hand. As Americans we can be so generous to starving people in every nation I was impressed by the hearts and that of those donating to Hatti and after the tsunami.

                                    If you live in America and are poor starving that is where compassion ends. There is this belief that if you live here you can pick your self up and if you are not making it you are lazy and it is your own fault. I have had friends who do not look like they need help that have needed help very much but have been treated badly by the very agencies that are supposed to help them. why is it our working poor work so hard and are still unhelped by their own efforts or the help of others. I am not talking about life time abusers of the system I am talking about hard working people falling on hard times. We as a nation are the 3rd worst nation for poverty in the developing world. One out of six people in our nation is being helped by some sort of aid, one out of 5 children are living in poverty. these are not someone's children across the ocean on another land or some imaginary line on a map this is our children in our nation and all I hear is how we need to stop caring for them. who is going to? are we willing to start seeing children looking like bones walking in our streets in schools?

                                    People are so afraid of loosing the kingdoms they built or being inconvenienced  they are willing to through everyone else under the bus. Right to work sounds great we want to work but right to work means you work with no rights. With employers who treat you like a trade-able commodity taking out life insurance on employees betting they will commit suicide or die and they will collect there inheritance from you. Not only working every last drip they can out of you but profiting if it kills you sooner.

                                I remember writing a paper about child labor and how it was ended reading about the thousands of children that lost limbs and fingers in the works of the factory, I was disturbed at the idea that the adults in control could use people that way. women and children where cheaper to hire. Do we really want to go back to those days? I think we are. Corporations being called people they are psychopaths as people. I have heard in history that is why the14th amendment was passed that is when companies started claiming such rights. Sad that even one of the shinning examples of something we did right can be twisted into ugliness. Is this who we want to be in America? DO we want to be the land of the free and the home of the brave or the land of the enslaved and the home of the afraid?

                                                

I'm right and you are stupid

              When did we stop listening to each other? I get the people getting paid to sling mud being this way but as humans one person to another when did another opinion become a threat? Are we so insecure in what we think that we can not allow for others to have their own thoughts. This is just not in political arguments it is in all discussions if you can call them that. Listening to others can expand our own world, most of us are trapped in a very small world view, other people have other experiences that we do not.

            People wonder all the time why more people vote for Dancing with the Stars than give a crap about things that actually impact their lives. I think it is this kind of talk that is driving people to focus on the trivial. People are rabid about their ideas and even if someone is a little interested in something they get blasted as soon as they ask or look into it with negativity and hostility, they then just check out again.  We take our selves way to seriously, we are more than our opinions as humans. It is not a bad thing to evaluate our ideas from time to time. If they are worth keeping they will make it if they are not we should have the courage and humility to  admit it and move on.

                                              Is being right worth loosing relationship over or berating a person for? When did a need to be right become more important than another person? I am not saying we should not have an opinion or state said opinion in fact I think it necessary. However I am not willing to let that be all that matters.

even if you shake

Ugh I fell like I write this all the time. I get so down on my self when I can't find anything interesting to write about. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer when the world rears up an gut checks me I loose all perspective. I for get each of us has a view that is like no other my view is my own and sharing it helps me sort it but also allows others to share their views and perspective widening my own giving me a better view than my navel I have been pondering with the limited view life gives. I may not shatter the earth with my brilliance/ quirky voice but I will at least speak.

I was listening to a poet today called Sarah Kay her ted talk, at the end she recited her poem and in it she was talking about Hiroshima and the blast burning the rocks and evaporating the people in the blast and the rocks being burnt except where the people had shielded it with there bodies leaving a white mark of their out line, a positive image. I want that, not to be vaporized but to leave a positive mark. it does not have to be big it can just be an out line but I want when the world finally vaporizes me for the mark that is left is of where I blocked the darkness. for some part to remain where the darkness of life can not take over that because I was here because I spoke because I had the courage to be who I was made to be.

God that sounds good, right? Sounds like someone so full of optimism you would think the world never touched them with darkness that light just free flows from their eyes and finger tips rather than the anxiety laden person who doesn't have the patience to wait for the page to load so she plays a game while she does everything person actually writing this. But is the truth of how I feel inside, no matter how much soul crushing radiative ash making crap life brings this is all I have. Don't get me wrong I have some very good things in my life I would not give up the relationships experiences and things that have formed me into this neurotic women I am, but all I own in my life is that. I can own my voice I can own the time I place into loving well. I may not be the most brilliant my words may be spoken better by others but the uniqueness that is me can not. SO I am going to stand on the words of a person I forgot who they were but not what they said that said speak even if your voice shakes in the hopes that someday even if they can not name me my words will bring that kind of courage to someone else.