Really this can't be a win for me

             Why is change so hard? Even when you really want it and really do want change it is such a struggle to actually do it to go out the door and take a new path. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this pains me to no end I am not a rut girl I love new I love the different I always want to be original. I have vivid memories of this being  a trait I carried long before I knew what it was. In preschool we took a trip to the post office to mail valentines to our mom's and Dad's we all lined up one by one we march wedding procession styal up the the boxes one by one everyone dropped theirs into the one mail hole ignoring the other perfectly good one next to it. step by step we get closer and before I knew it I was there ready to drop my mail. Boop in it went into the other slot no one else used as my teacher shrieked that I had put mine in the out of town one. I did not care it was mine mail and I wanted to other one. Then there is the questionable fashion choices like the lime green see through head band I wore as sun glasses because no one else had them (Punky Brewster was my hero and fashion Icon). So there have been problem with this I was under the impression change was not one of them, come on if you are going to be original does that not include regular change?

            But here I am trying t push through this slightly premid life crisis and boom I am not wanting change of fighting it being my own worst enemy. I am sure in my very core there are few if any one at this gym I am going to that even notices I am there and yet I can not get over them just being there. Stupid they would so go out of business if I was the only one going but ugh the though of being mocked really gets to me. Thank you Mr. Kiffer and the whole of Jr. high. Not to mention life in general. But now no one is stopping me but me, I am literally defeating my self.  Why can't facing fears be like a movie montage or better yet sitcom half hour never brought up again again till a flash back show. No life has to be about facing that fear any way every time going and keep pressing on. shit life sucks, what sick bastered made this system. Nice to have my own worst enemy looking me in the mirror with all the amo of my past failers and mockings to throw in my face. One trip two trips a whole week of trips miss a few days and slammo again struggling going alone. I will not be the weapon of my own defeat. I will not be the reason I give up on this. I am going to do this I am so sick of stopping my self and letting me defeat me. screw that this woman is leaving that girl behind and do this.

Flop sweat and sweat

the horror the is Jazzercise

  The time has come no more waiting in the back the horror of it all the painful twisting of muscle, being packed in like wriggling sardines still moving as the top of the can is sealed. Yes it is time to join the gym.. this anxiety build place for me this den of judgment and condemnation has again made it's way into my life. This is a good thing it is what I want but it is also scary for me having only had one good gym experience I am heavily relying on to make it through the door of this new one. This has been giving me nightmares for days thinking about this. Where perk tones bitches push there way through rooms of people to give me hurtful not helpful advice (yes this happens to me occasionally) or the Jazzercize nightmare of Psychedelic leotards that my Mom forced me to go to And last but not least Gym class with teachers that regularly taunted those not athletically inclined, cue memory of jerk wad Gym teacher being driving instructor making you do push ups in the middle of the street for hitting the curb parking in front of my boyfriends house both humiliation and the terror of being hit by a car. The horror associated with gyms and gym related people is huge! My nightmares differ occasionally on how I handle it some are rooms of people laughing at me some are the beat down of perky girl and my favorite the verbal smack down ending in her hopefully learning something (ok you got me I like the beat down too). 

I remember this at the Y when I was younger.
(Not her the equipment)

                                                  That said I have high hopes for the gym we are joining, like the one good experience with gyms that I have joined there are great things a pool good equipment people who help design a work out for you and the best part a movie theater with exercise equipment in it so no one can see me doing my thing, this is the best part for me. I loved the gym we joined years ago something about having people that would know if I did not go and the cheapness in me of not wanting to pay for something I did not use worked for me I went daily loved it so much made friends with some of the people who worked there and really would have continued to go had I not busted my knee up, got seriously ill and lost my job all in the same few months. This is the feeling I am hoping to build on supportive people not the knee busting out of workness. That is the plan hope it turns out that way for me and to the bin of judgment I am trying to be positive and not expect the worst.

                          For me I am ok with me I love my self where I am this took a long time a lot of effort and so much love from those in my life seriously I have the best people ever in my life. This is about being more active free to do the things I want to do. Healthier not stick figure or barbie perfect not that I think that is ever possible for me in the slightest. The me I am expecting to find under all this is a curvy girl with big hips big boobs and attitude. Yeah here's hoping I find here under here. Hello are ya there come out come out who ever you are.