Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Should I stay or should I go now

FOr those that do not know I am Dyslexic, now there are many types of dyslexia mine happenes to be eye hand cowardination on
top of moving letters and numbers around. so sport and physical activity has always been torcher for me. Gym class was a nightmare. Exjock jerks running the class with drill sargent mannerisums and sencitivity of a sociopath. Not exactly the warm friendly place that invited one to try and fail or try and not do as well as you could. To top that off I grew up with a sister who was very athletic and just naturally good at those things. Never able to live up to the sister I admired and so wanted to be like, but never could. I started to view those kind of activities as torcher. Competion became viewed as someone standing over me saying you suck and stomping my throught. So for most of my life  I have avoided those type of activities and became kind of judgmental about those that took part in them. I so had the Revenge of the Nerds view of the world. Oger was going to humiliate me if I ventured out and tried so why try.

I have met a few people that chalenged my mind set people with huge hearts that ran marathons and took on physical chalenges just for the chalenge. A part of me always waited for the inner Jock from the 80's movie to come out and regect me as the art geek or just plain geek. This is so imbarising to actually write down but it is what is going on in my heart every time I choose as a women with more fluff than stuff to step out and face excersize and the riducual I was sure to face. So 4 months ago I asked the Lord to help me with this, I was ready to step out and make some healthier changes start to walk every day I really wanted to. So the next day a friend of ours asks my husband to be a part of the tough mudder. Incase you have never
heard of this it is 10 mile run laced with 25 crazy obsticals that are stupid hard like 12 foot walls not just wall WALLS, run through
fire, climb a greesed half pipe, and elctroshock staion and so much more things I never want to do. So my husband who had never even just taken a walk for fun started to train for this. I was afraid of so many things first that he would change from the loving funny warm hearted man I fell in love with to Oger who would abandon me for a short little beautiful blond bimpo after mocking me to a bloody stain on the floor. Needless to say my part of the "I will do this with you" happened so much less as the fear rose up in me. He would faithful get up almost every day and head to the gym or for a run and I would both cringe and be proud of him waiting for the shoe to drop.

So four months later we are heading for the event. He is all ready to go in full Nacho Libre costume on I tyed off the mask and he runs 3 miles to the starting line of the 10 miles race with 25 obsticals while I pay his parking pull out my chair to watch. I was with my sister, my soul sister and their children. After finding out how far away the start is and registration It slowly dawms on me I am not going to make it all day and my husband just gave me his keys, money and glasses 2 of which he can not drive home with out. I
enjoyed waching the chalenges and seeing people help each other  over very hard things they could not do alone but the stranger or team memeber next to them helped them do it. So my sister takes the kid to find a bathroom while my soul sister and I walking slower start off in what we think is the starting line, but soon becomes more a death march for me in the heat. We flagged down one of the carts driving around and I was going to ask for a ride but as I walk up looking in the eyes of the jocks sitting in it I was
unable to ask my voice shrank backand I froze up and they looked at me and said "we are working no people on the carts." and drove off. In my mind the laugh minacally as they did so.

So we marched on unknown to us taking the longest way posible to the next obstical and I was done. there was shade there so I set up and my soul sister went off to find the kids, my sister, food, water, and the start line. a few min later a clever sassy text for a friend of mine that was uable to come pops into my mind so I go to pull out my phone to find it gone. Alone with jocks and no smart remarts to be typed. I really started to watch I saw a few people I was dreading run by but the majority were people helping each other cheering each other on chalenging and celbrating togeather. I was shocked the first time I saw this at the greezed half pipe but convinced my self they were just helping their friends and it was a fluke. But as I watched the people I noticed some of the strongest people giving a hand to people they odviously did not know. It turns out watching this that the thousands of people who signed up to torcher them selves spent the time helping everyone around them running jumping and over coming fears. It was the best example of comunity I have ever seen. My husband came across a 70ish year old women taking on this chalenge and she was
stuck on a high jump unable to jump down in the water her friends had all asked her to jump with them and jumped she was stuck up there he held out his hand and said I am a super hero jump with me and she did, she let go of her fear and took the leep.

Wow what an example of life and how we are suposed to live.
So sitting on the sun watching this we had to leave before my husband finished I was just a short time away from hitting the ground and not getting up again. Littereally as we went to the parking lot I felt my eyes closing and I was going down. My sister dumped water on my head and the air in the car revived me. When I talked to my husband and I heard all the stories and how he finished I cryed I was never so proud of anyone ever in my life. He then told me he had called my phone and one of the mudders was going to mail it home to me, I hold it in my hand now a few days later.

So now I am left with a chalenge to my Ogger jock look at sports and those that do them. I am left with the chalenge to take up the chalenge and run at the wall trusting someone will be there to catch my arms and help me up.
 Can I venture on to the course?
I  am willing to try I am willing to trembling step by step venture into a world that has mocked me and made me feel small all my life? 
Could this mudder type world be for me too or just for others but I can watch but never be really excpted by.
This is the place I stand do you feel this way in places of your life like all the wall is there and your bloody from running into it but there is no way around it. I feel the thunder as I step on the feild with a close up lens on the camera each blade of grass curling around the shoe the contrast of colors very evedent will I dare to go?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I think My Netflix is judging me.

So here I was again trying to just watch a movie when my Netflix starts in with me about my choice so here is how the interaction went down.

Me- Oh look at that movie that looks like it is worth taking a look. (click)
Netflix- Yeah... we think you will not like this movie.
Me- but I am reading what the movie is about and it looks interesting.
Netflix- Well you are wrong about that, you may like this movie enough to not turn it off, but more likely you will hate it, note I have put the 2 1/2 stars there for you to know that.
Me- You know what Netflix? I think I know myself better than you and I think I am going to watch this.
Me-You are taking your sweet time opening this movie Netflix....
Netflix- I really think based on your movie selections you will hate this movie. There is a back to browsing tab you could push that would stop the loading and we could pick a movie you will like better.
Me- You know what Netflix I can grow as a person just because I live in a world of Ipods and Pandora where I never have to watch or hear.  What I do not want to watch and hear does not mean I can'tt expand my mind to maybe try something I have not seen before, maybe I will love it... ever think of that Netflix? Huh?
Netflix- Fine, here is your movie.
(after the movie)
Netflix- So how did you like the movie?
Me- Shut up.
Netflix- No, I just want to help you make better movie choices for you. Did you love it like it a lot, like it hate it or really hate it?
Me- OK I hated it. No, I really hated it.
Netflix- Really? Do you normally watch movies like this? Sometimes, always or never?
Me- I never watch movies like this.
Netflix- We noticed you stoped the movie before it was done. Was the picture ok?
Me- Yes, the picture was fine.
Netflix- Was the sound to your liking?
Me- Yes, the sounds was fine.
Netflix- We just want to bring you better service for your movie enjoyment. Was there a problem with the playback?
Me- Fine Netflix, fine. You own me, you know me better then I know myself. I hated the movie, the plot sucked the characters were poorly written and I even hated the background and costumes. Are ya happy Netflix, Are you happy now?
Netflix- Thank you for all your input, it helps us make better movie choices for you.
ME- fine I will never doubt you again! Why you got to rub it in like that?

Stupid Netflix thinks it knows me. you don't know me Netflix: you don't know me.