Really this can't be a win for me

             Why is change so hard? Even when you really want it and really do want change it is such a struggle to actually do it to go out the door and take a new path. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this pains me to no end I am not a rut girl I love new I love the different I always want to be original. I have vivid memories of this being  a trait I carried long before I knew what it was. In preschool we took a trip to the post office to mail valentines to our mom's and Dad's we all lined up one by one we march wedding procession styal up the the boxes one by one everyone dropped theirs into the one mail hole ignoring the other perfectly good one next to it. step by step we get closer and before I knew it I was there ready to drop my mail. Boop in it went into the other slot no one else used as my teacher shrieked that I had put mine in the out of town one. I did not care it was mine mail and I wanted to other one. Then there is the questionable fashion choices like the lime green see through head band I wore as sun glasses because no one else had them (Punky Brewster was my hero and fashion Icon). So there have been problem with this I was under the impression change was not one of them, come on if you are going to be original does that not include regular change?

            But here I am trying t push through this slightly premid life crisis and boom I am not wanting change of fighting it being my own worst enemy. I am sure in my very core there are few if any one at this gym I am going to that even notices I am there and yet I can not get over them just being there. Stupid they would so go out of business if I was the only one going but ugh the though of being mocked really gets to me. Thank you Mr. Kiffer and the whole of Jr. high. Not to mention life in general. But now no one is stopping me but me, I am literally defeating my self.  Why can't facing fears be like a movie montage or better yet sitcom half hour never brought up again again till a flash back show. No life has to be about facing that fear any way every time going and keep pressing on. shit life sucks, what sick bastered made this system. Nice to have my own worst enemy looking me in the mirror with all the amo of my past failers and mockings to throw in my face. One trip two trips a whole week of trips miss a few days and slammo again struggling going alone. I will not be the weapon of my own defeat. I will not be the reason I give up on this. I am going to do this I am so sick of stopping my self and letting me defeat me. screw that this woman is leaving that girl behind and do this.

even if you shake

Ugh I fell like I write this all the time. I get so down on my self when I can't find anything interesting to write about. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer when the world rears up an gut checks me I loose all perspective. I for get each of us has a view that is like no other my view is my own and sharing it helps me sort it but also allows others to share their views and perspective widening my own giving me a better view than my navel I have been pondering with the limited view life gives. I may not shatter the earth with my brilliance/ quirky voice but I will at least speak.

I was listening to a poet today called Sarah Kay her ted talk, at the end she recited her poem and in it she was talking about Hiroshima and the blast burning the rocks and evaporating the people in the blast and the rocks being burnt except where the people had shielded it with there bodies leaving a white mark of their out line, a positive image. I want that, not to be vaporized but to leave a positive mark. it does not have to be big it can just be an out line but I want when the world finally vaporizes me for the mark that is left is of where I blocked the darkness. for some part to remain where the darkness of life can not take over that because I was here because I spoke because I had the courage to be who I was made to be.

God that sounds good, right? Sounds like someone so full of optimism you would think the world never touched them with darkness that light just free flows from their eyes and finger tips rather than the anxiety laden person who doesn't have the patience to wait for the page to load so she plays a game while she does everything person actually writing this. But is the truth of how I feel inside, no matter how much soul crushing radiative ash making crap life brings this is all I have. Don't get me wrong I have some very good things in my life I would not give up the relationships experiences and things that have formed me into this neurotic women I am, but all I own in my life is that. I can own my voice I can own the time I place into loving well. I may not be the most brilliant my words may be spoken better by others but the uniqueness that is me can not. SO I am going to stand on the words of a person I forgot who they were but not what they said that said speak even if your voice shakes in the hopes that someday even if they can not name me my words will bring that kind of courage to someone else.

The dream that ruined my life

So I have been debating about writing this out but I think I need to. Last week I had a dream that ruined my life. I dreamed I was free of all the things that worp me. All the things that I feel define me as me were gone yet I felt more me than I have ever felt in my life. I felt so light I was afraid to walk the the gravity would not be able to hold me down. I was doing my life more free and open not confined by the usual anxed that I feel. As I began to wake up I felt the Lord talking to me about each thing he was placing back on me and how it has changed me. The weight of each thing was huge. Some were my reactions to pain caused to me. other were my own creation I cried with each one I woke balling and so sad I had to return to this life with all the crushing things that I knoticed before and have run into all my life but never knew how much it was not me.
One of these things is the rebel heart I have loved and cheered in my life and the oposit of that compliance that has plauged me I spent so much time caving to those forces in my life. The way I felt in the dream was like I was living actually in the kingdom living axactly as God wanted me to the things I did. the middle road between giving in to presure and going the other way in regection of that presure. I think so often I have lived in reaction both caving and rebelinng rather than living just as me.

So after this dream I honestly was so sad I had to live in this yuck that defines me more than it should, I also and this sounds so mellow dramatic but I Honestly was afraid I would die. I beleive in healing so much and have had tasts of the freedom and the lightness but never togeather nor the amount. I had never thought that amount of healing was posible or that one could live if they experianced it. SO I knew I was going to die. I wrote out my dream so people would know why I died and I knew people needed to know this was posible it might kill ya but it was what Jesus talked about the pearl in the feild that you would selling everything to own. It was the Kingdom of God. I tend towards drama in expressing things but Honestly I can say I am under selling this, there just is not words to describe it well.

This dream as ruined my life I mean it ruined me for it. I no longer am willing to just excpt the things weighing me down as me. I am sold out for the pearl there is nothing worth more, not that I no longer want things I do and will. But when the chips are down my number one want is Jesus. I have known for long time I am called by him but still have no clue into what, But I will take a que from Bill and trust God's will for my life is none of my business. I am still unravling what this means but I do know there was something the Lord spaired me and did not lay back on my when he piled the soul worping things back on me and the was a dought in who I am and who He is. Not that I have any answers as to who I am other than knowing how God sees me, That enough for me right now.