Viva

                               I always had the dream of being an Artist a mad wild hippy woman that had three kids wild and free with names that matched the land and spirits that soared and inspired others to ride the wind and live with gusto. My soul mate would be wild and free, fun and passionate, sportive and encouraging: We would be in love but never have to have to have it on paper never tied down or anchored to anything but attached willingly to some. I would constantly be covered in clay and ink from my projects. We would live in distant lands: simply, but well. The art of life would eb and flow and it would be good. The writing always done by hand never on something  that so bastardized it like a computer, at the very least a type writer. I would  make prints on linen and canvas sculpt in clay and rock built things that moved and inspired, The artist life full of color and simple grandeur. 

                                  I got a few of those things I dreamed of the important ones. I want to think some may still come. I find it funny still that the girl that was going to be so wild and free has been married so long. although it does not feel unfree, it feels more so free in many ways. I miss this girl in the last few years I have been refinding her. I know I feel like I write this often but it is true. I forgot for years about the poems and stories I used to write with a friend and how much I loved it.I was only remembering how much people told me not to do it because of my dyslexia. I could get lost and loved getting lost in two things and that is still true to this day I get lost in writing and Creating art. I love it, I feel the most alive when I do these things. With all the cuts from the broken glass never really bothers me I long for the feel of clay dried and carved wet and pliable molded with my hands twisted into works that mark the heart.

                                I found it funny when I looked at my Myers Brigs personality thing it was so right on the edge of two of the things for the most part I am a ISFP- Introverted Sensing Feeling  Perceiving, I am so strong to the right on all this it is like the classic person for this type, but in the S one I am so close to the middle I could be an N iNtuitive. I sit on the balance of this witch is funny because the one INFP personality is known as the artist, and the other ISPF is known for never loosing their wonder and writing. The two thing I most wanted to do was to write and create.

                              Not even for anyone else just for me. To know that no one else did this just me. I our world it is increasingly hard to find things that have not been done. Everyone wants the cookie cutter the polished perfect thing. I get uncomfortable with too much polish on things on people give me something with some personality with some dents with something other than the norm. I once told my husband if I ever fall into that life with the standard house and the car that looks like everyone else and the  white walls of life medicate of kill me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ridovIfoWdA It's like putting fireflies in a jar, yeah they glow but not as bright and it kills them, I just can't do it. I need color I need different, it is telling to me that the first thing I bought with my very first paycheck was a one of a kind watch from an artist in a little shop in town. I had never seen anything like it.

                                        I still dream of this life and add more of it to my own life now, I hope some day in those far flung places I will find us old and wrinkled and oh so happy. Life is too short be who you are ment to be stop trying to be what everyone else says you should be.

The trench

                               Why is change so friggin hard you think in a world full of flux we would all be so used to it it would seem weird without it. Sigh but it is not that way. I had a friend describe changing habits this way the other day. "we all have ruts in our brains deep ways we do everything in our lives. as we try to change those we are digging new ones it is easy to slip back into the old ones." I like a loath that idea: it describes how uncomfortable we feel while making the changes but also leaves us in a pit once in a while. this oddly has given me new motivation. As the idea of being confined in a trench in my mind is not appealing to me. not many pleasant things happen in a pit or trenches for that matter.

                               Change is a part of who we are or should be. I love the commercial with the grown man with the bike helmet on on one of those push scooters saying these streets are all I have ever known.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnCSY8YHDEA
It cracks me up because what if we all had chosen to stay there? With every new thing we do there is risk but the risk of being a 40 year old living like that guy is so much greater. We would miss out on so much of life if we let it.

Paradox

I am still so distracted about the trip next year I put pictures every where on the computer it is my cover picture my screen saver my wall paper. I have gone southern mad. I am not sure what it is about the south I loved visiting there as a child the glossed over history and the dark underbelly, beautiful flowers plants air plants that add mystique, old plantations beautiful and sad with history of oppression, The beaches and wildlife, the iron work and just how different it feels from here. I love it! I am so excited to get to go there and see a house that belonged to an 3 or 4 time great grandfather of mine. Tom has been wanting to take me there since we found out the place existed. I was not sure I wanted to be do really want to see it see where they walked see where they lived what they were like.

                    It is weird to think of them being slave owners and doing horrible things that went with that. Finding my family history has been both very fun and not so much all at the same time because of finding people like that in my past where their lives were fascinating yet they were not people of great moral values. May be more a product of their times but it still feels wrong to a person who believes in freedom and honoring and respecting others so much. This will be the first time I have been back down south since I have known about this I wonder if it will change my view. AS a child the drama of gone with the wind filled my head with the dreams of a different time. I did a hell of Scarlet impression, my mom loved it got me out of a lot of tuff spots. But as I grew older and learned the history I was so embarrassed of how much I loved it. There is so much good about the south not just the food but that is high on the list. the music and richness lives there Alligators and dolphins. so much history and so much new that is good too. I don't know if I will ever get over my love of the south but I am in good company so many artists and musicians never have either. There was a part of the book I was reading with my book club that talked about paradox and how that is where interest lives spark of life, I think the south is that for me. So much beauty so much darkness so much life so many ghost tours. (Hee hee hee ) I am excited to see how I see this word as an adult and see it for the first time in my husbands eyes.

The dream that ruined my life

So I have been debating about writing this out but I think I need to. Last week I had a dream that ruined my life. I dreamed I was free of all the things that worp me. All the things that I feel define me as me were gone yet I felt more me than I have ever felt in my life. I felt so light I was afraid to walk the the gravity would not be able to hold me down. I was doing my life more free and open not confined by the usual anxed that I feel. As I began to wake up I felt the Lord talking to me about each thing he was placing back on me and how it has changed me. The weight of each thing was huge. Some were my reactions to pain caused to me. other were my own creation I cried with each one I woke balling and so sad I had to return to this life with all the crushing things that I knoticed before and have run into all my life but never knew how much it was not me.
One of these things is the rebel heart I have loved and cheered in my life and the oposit of that compliance that has plauged me I spent so much time caving to those forces in my life. The way I felt in the dream was like I was living actually in the kingdom living axactly as God wanted me to the things I did. the middle road between giving in to presure and going the other way in regection of that presure. I think so often I have lived in reaction both caving and rebelinng rather than living just as me.

So after this dream I honestly was so sad I had to live in this yuck that defines me more than it should, I also and this sounds so mellow dramatic but I Honestly was afraid I would die. I beleive in healing so much and have had tasts of the freedom and the lightness but never togeather nor the amount. I had never thought that amount of healing was posible or that one could live if they experianced it. SO I knew I was going to die. I wrote out my dream so people would know why I died and I knew people needed to know this was posible it might kill ya but it was what Jesus talked about the pearl in the feild that you would selling everything to own. It was the Kingdom of God. I tend towards drama in expressing things but Honestly I can say I am under selling this, there just is not words to describe it well.

This dream as ruined my life I mean it ruined me for it. I no longer am willing to just excpt the things weighing me down as me. I am sold out for the pearl there is nothing worth more, not that I no longer want things I do and will. But when the chips are down my number one want is Jesus. I have known for long time I am called by him but still have no clue into what, But I will take a que from Bill and trust God's will for my life is none of my business. I am still unravling what this means but I do know there was something the Lord spaired me and did not lay back on my when he piled the soul worping things back on me and the was a dought in who I am and who He is. Not that I have any answers as to who I am other than knowing how God sees me, That enough for me right now.