Moving

In my quest to write I have decided to move to word press sight. I have some new posts there and thought I would invite those who read me here to join me there. so here I am The new blog is called Platypus pondering here is the link:   http://platypuspondering.wordpress.com/

Flop sweat and sweat

the horror the is Jazzercise

  The time has come no more waiting in the back the horror of it all the painful twisting of muscle, being packed in like wriggling sardines still moving as the top of the can is sealed. Yes it is time to join the gym.. this anxiety build place for me this den of judgment and condemnation has again made it's way into my life. This is a good thing it is what I want but it is also scary for me having only had one good gym experience I am heavily relying on to make it through the door of this new one. This has been giving me nightmares for days thinking about this. Where perk tones bitches push there way through rooms of people to give me hurtful not helpful advice (yes this happens to me occasionally) or the Jazzercize nightmare of Psychedelic leotards that my Mom forced me to go to And last but not least Gym class with teachers that regularly taunted those not athletically inclined, cue memory of jerk wad Gym teacher being driving instructor making you do push ups in the middle of the street for hitting the curb parking in front of my boyfriends house both humiliation and the terror of being hit by a car. The horror associated with gyms and gym related people is huge! My nightmares differ occasionally on how I handle it some are rooms of people laughing at me some are the beat down of perky girl and my favorite the verbal smack down ending in her hopefully learning something (ok you got me I like the beat down too). 

I remember this at the Y when I was younger.
(Not her the equipment)

                                                  That said I have high hopes for the gym we are joining, like the one good experience with gyms that I have joined there are great things a pool good equipment people who help design a work out for you and the best part a movie theater with exercise equipment in it so no one can see me doing my thing, this is the best part for me. I loved the gym we joined years ago something about having people that would know if I did not go and the cheapness in me of not wanting to pay for something I did not use worked for me I went daily loved it so much made friends with some of the people who worked there and really would have continued to go had I not busted my knee up, got seriously ill and lost my job all in the same few months. This is the feeling I am hoping to build on supportive people not the knee busting out of workness. That is the plan hope it turns out that way for me and to the bin of judgment I am trying to be positive and not expect the worst.

                          For me I am ok with me I love my self where I am this took a long time a lot of effort and so much love from those in my life seriously I have the best people ever in my life. This is about being more active free to do the things I want to do. Healthier not stick figure or barbie perfect not that I think that is ever possible for me in the slightest. The me I am expecting to find under all this is a curvy girl with big hips big boobs and attitude. Yeah here's hoping I find here under here. Hello are ya there come out come out who ever you are.

20th Reunion

              So I am coming to an existential angst over my 20 year high school reunion. It is next month! can you believe it? I can't either. I remember my Mom's 20th reunion and she was so old, how did this happen to me now? Crap! I moved away from my small town immediately after graduation, well ok not immediately. I avoided it for years and dreaded going back.  For years even visiting my Mom was like slip into town and back out good thing she lived near the edge. I have in the last few years grown up a bit and have enjoyed taking short trips there to reconnect with a dear friends.

             In my shyness and lack of knowing what to say to people I tend to freeze up in large group situations unless I know the large group or majority of them well. so It could go either way I could go Borat wild (having tons of fun till the next morning when I regret the night before while I drink water and take pain killers) or wallflower silent (while I watch and think of clever things to say but stay silent or have mind meld where like a car engine with out oil my brain ceases up and there is nothing but over whelming awkwardness). Both options make me not want to go.

            Then there is the what to wear thing. OMG this is huge for me right now. such a girl problem to have. but since it is being held and Hogs and Hunnies I am at a loss. I am grateful for the free place and all the deals they are giving us, but it does take that I have no idea what to wear to a whole new level. In my mind you wear something nice kinnda dressy to a thing like this but does that translate into Hogs and Hunnies? I think not. Sigh, I get the bar thing so OK with that we (well most of us) drank to get through high school together the first time. :) It does kinnda make me feel like the first day of  Jr. High / High school again, just a little thank God I have better hair now..

                     Ok I am being a little hard on this, I am kinnda looking forward to it I never thought I would. I was glad to put it in the rear view and move on. I am not one who thinks the best years of life were in high school. I love who I am as a  person now so much better, but understand I would not be her without those days. I think I almost have to go to face this feeling down. I love my life I love almost everything about it. I hate that this makes me feel awkward like I was: ok well still am. But I have perfected my awkwardness now so it is endearing, or found people who think it is not sure which. I kindda don't want to have that bad taste in my mind about those days. I am hoping This will make it better, or possibly worse. We all have grown a bit since then, Right? Here is hoping that growing up continued. There are a friends that I have not seen in years I would love to see. Both excited and horrified at the idea of going. I am sure it will be hugs and drinks all around and a little awkward moments I die about and love later as story fodder. I hope we  have name tags seriously I am not sure if it was a mental block or I need to form a dependency on gingko but I need a year book to remember the people who friend me on facebook  sometimes. What the hell am I going to do in person?

   

Who do we want to be

DO we think Oliver had it good?

AM I missing something? I do not understand the republican point of view have they no idea what history says about a people who have a few wealthy with the benefits and the poor with more burden. Have they never heard of the serfs or read any Charles dickens hell even seen some of the movies or plays from the times. There is a reason the robber stole from the rich and gave to the poor was the peoples hero. I hear the rest and it sounds so reasonable everyone should pay their own way, sounds fine till you look at the very poor who can not and the very rich who want to pay less. I am tired of the bashing of the poor, even if they are on drugs they have children that deserve to be able to eat why should they suffer because they were delt a bad hand. As Americans we can be so generous to starving people in every nation I was impressed by the hearts and that of those donating to Hatti and after the tsunami.

                                    If you live in America and are poor starving that is where compassion ends. There is this belief that if you live here you can pick your self up and if you are not making it you are lazy and it is your own fault. I have had friends who do not look like they need help that have needed help very much but have been treated badly by the very agencies that are supposed to help them. why is it our working poor work so hard and are still unhelped by their own efforts or the help of others. I am not talking about life time abusers of the system I am talking about hard working people falling on hard times. We as a nation are the 3rd worst nation for poverty in the developing world. One out of six people in our nation is being helped by some sort of aid, one out of 5 children are living in poverty. these are not someone's children across the ocean on another land or some imaginary line on a map this is our children in our nation and all I hear is how we need to stop caring for them. who is going to? are we willing to start seeing children looking like bones walking in our streets in schools?

                                    People are so afraid of loosing the kingdoms they built or being inconvenienced  they are willing to through everyone else under the bus. Right to work sounds great we want to work but right to work means you work with no rights. With employers who treat you like a trade-able commodity taking out life insurance on employees betting they will commit suicide or die and they will collect there inheritance from you. Not only working every last drip they can out of you but profiting if it kills you sooner.

                                I remember writing a paper about child labor and how it was ended reading about the thousands of children that lost limbs and fingers in the works of the factory, I was disturbed at the idea that the adults in control could use people that way. women and children where cheaper to hire. Do we really want to go back to those days? I think we are. Corporations being called people they are psychopaths as people. I have heard in history that is why the14th amendment was passed that is when companies started claiming such rights. Sad that even one of the shinning examples of something we did right can be twisted into ugliness. Is this who we want to be in America? DO we want to be the land of the free and the home of the brave or the land of the enslaved and the home of the afraid?

                                                

Facepalm

                       It is hard for me to write today the day after the day after the vote in WI is done. It should not be so hard but since I love to write about community lifting each other up and inclusiveness when I see a vote that to me symbolizes the turning our back on Women and children our future tossed out. Money from little men that toy and tinker with the world to make it suit them and their pockets to hell with everyone else and their right to education, health and equality: Even to hell with being able to stand up and say this is wrong. It makes it hard for me to write or feel like what I right matters.

                            I have never been particularly proud to be from WI, I admire things about it but pride was never part of that. I honestly have never wanted to live my whole life here a lot of my marriage I have been trying to convince my husband to move, thought that would have been easier since he is not from here. Last year was the first real pride I had in WI seeing hundreds of thousands of peaceful protesters standing up fighting for others. In my experience here that was a rare quality not helping one another but to publicly do so with drums and vigor. There is a lot of neighbor leaning on each other people quietly being kind to one another standing up for this person or that but this was different this was devotion to something bigger than the packers. The thing that makes even the most hardened line backer love being part of a that team with such devotion: being pored out into the community into real life being used for a purpose other then sport idles.

                            The narrative I wanted to hear was that people cared that women were being set back, that people saw education and those giving their lives for other peoples children in more than dollar signs, that jobs were not more important that the strip mines that are going to poison an environment that has been cared for and preserved carefully, that men not even from here that pored money into an election to line there pockets would be seen through and a criminal that pits a states people against each other to concur it would be seen as decisive leading people to remove him and find common ground to tread. (I know huge run on sentence.) Instead I feel like I got bitch slapped with the fact that if you take peoples unsettled fear and uncertainty in life and blame others as the cause you win there devotion for doing so. With general sweeping declarations and fascist actions can win the hearts of a people. It is hard to put a word such a Fascist on to a situation we are in with out seeing Hitler death camps around, or for thinking the person saying this is being dramatic. When you look at that started and what is going on now in our country and my state I can not help but draw the parallels. I think we do not learn from history because we separate it into parts. the war is told here, the camps and repercussions are told there, this is the political time here,   and  the real life of people here. In doing so we strip it of the value we rely on it for to teach us. Germany was ripe for the fascist that took over when they did it was an unsure economic time people had been breaking out of conventional thinking taking on more modern ways, So in swoops this group that plays on their virtues and called people "back" to fiscal responsibility and the way things should be the old ways that worked for people before us "traditional" thinking. Need to retrain the minds hire Joseph Gerbbels to "show and tell" them what the "real" news was Fox news as the Gerbbel propaganda of our day doing the same all Preying on peoples deep insecurities about this new life and that changes happening would not bring new developments and possibly improve their lives no it would lead them to destruction and humiliation. It does not sound that different to me than the tea party people and Walkers brown bag ads.

                               Being an optimist people often seem to think I do not see the world as it is,  to believe better things than I actually see rose colored glasses and all. I long to think that money can not buy every thing or everyone,  people do not what to be lied to by the pied piper or at least recognize the tune and the death it leads too, and  criminals get punished not elected. I know in my heart these things happen regularly but the blatant ones get caught right? I hate the part in the story when it looks like the good person is ground into the dust and there will be no rise to stop the bad. That darkness will not only win but dominate. I cringe at it as much as I hate the sap ending the wraps it all up neat and clean it is so much worse when the bad guy is standing victorious. but I suppose either side of that is an extreme in life. But it how I feel right now. Life will balance out and the world will right it's self right? I suppose that is what the German people who resisted thought as they saw the rising Nazi culture too. (Que the Darth Vador music don don don don da don)

                        

even if you shake

Ugh I fell like I write this all the time. I get so down on my self when I can't find anything interesting to write about. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer when the world rears up an gut checks me I loose all perspective. I for get each of us has a view that is like no other my view is my own and sharing it helps me sort it but also allows others to share their views and perspective widening my own giving me a better view than my navel I have been pondering with the limited view life gives. I may not shatter the earth with my brilliance/ quirky voice but I will at least speak.

I was listening to a poet today called Sarah Kay her ted talk, at the end she recited her poem and in it she was talking about Hiroshima and the blast burning the rocks and evaporating the people in the blast and the rocks being burnt except where the people had shielded it with there bodies leaving a white mark of their out line, a positive image. I want that, not to be vaporized but to leave a positive mark. it does not have to be big it can just be an out line but I want when the world finally vaporizes me for the mark that is left is of where I blocked the darkness. for some part to remain where the darkness of life can not take over that because I was here because I spoke because I had the courage to be who I was made to be.

God that sounds good, right? Sounds like someone so full of optimism you would think the world never touched them with darkness that light just free flows from their eyes and finger tips rather than the anxiety laden person who doesn't have the patience to wait for the page to load so she plays a game while she does everything person actually writing this. But is the truth of how I feel inside, no matter how much soul crushing radiative ash making crap life brings this is all I have. Don't get me wrong I have some very good things in my life I would not give up the relationships experiences and things that have formed me into this neurotic women I am, but all I own in my life is that. I can own my voice I can own the time I place into loving well. I may not be the most brilliant my words may be spoken better by others but the uniqueness that is me can not. SO I am going to stand on the words of a person I forgot who they were but not what they said that said speak even if your voice shakes in the hopes that someday even if they can not name me my words will bring that kind of courage to someone else.

Nourish

I have been working on a healthier life for my self and have found it interesting how much I try to make my self suffer for it. Not just in depriving my self, contrary to popular belief people who weight more than they are supposed to do medicate with food but also are very much into making them selves suffer in it.   I found a saying the other day that is sticking with me. Fear makes you cling to the strangest things. This is true in this fear of failing makes me not eat all I am supposed to eat of the good things and when I do this that makes me spin off into unhealthy behaviors. This is so true for me in life not just trying to be healthy.

                   I wonder what life would really be like if I treated my self well nourished my self well and lived well. not extravagantly that would just be uncomfortable for me but well. I am on a mission to find out taking what I need not just the scraps I allow my self out of a lack of care or business really taking time to care and do what is right for a good life. Even writing that I feel the need to disclaim about not being selfish and self centered how sad is that. Just taking time to actually take care twists in my head to being something abhorrent to me. (sigh) Maybe one day this will be second nature to me but as for now I am setting alarms to eat lunch take a break in the after noon to stretch and enjoy 10 min minimum to care for my self. I am hoping making these appointments with my self is a good step in the right direction.

The trench

                               Why is change so friggin hard you think in a world full of flux we would all be so used to it it would seem weird without it. Sigh but it is not that way. I had a friend describe changing habits this way the other day. "we all have ruts in our brains deep ways we do everything in our lives. as we try to change those we are digging new ones it is easy to slip back into the old ones." I like a loath that idea: it describes how uncomfortable we feel while making the changes but also leaves us in a pit once in a while. this oddly has given me new motivation. As the idea of being confined in a trench in my mind is not appealing to me. not many pleasant things happen in a pit or trenches for that matter.

                               Change is a part of who we are or should be. I love the commercial with the grown man with the bike helmet on on one of those push scooters saying these streets are all I have ever known.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnCSY8YHDEA
It cracks me up because what if we all had chosen to stay there? With every new thing we do there is risk but the risk of being a 40 year old living like that guy is so much greater. We would miss out on so much of life if we let it.