Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

                                I woke up yesterday with this urge to do bad things to chain smoke all day and drink large quantities of alcoholic beverages while laying in the sun with out sun screen, go swimming directly after eating, tear the tags off the pillows and the mattress,  run with sharp objects, eat fried chicken by the bucket, Make a face to see if it stays that way, and in general just plow a few years off my life and add a few on to any sentence handed out by a judge. If there had been something I had been told was bad for me I was just a Itching to try it out. I was unsure why this side was making it's appearance in my life. I had a great night the night before was happy no one was trying to act on my will to change it? Why the sudden urge to break every "rule" I could think of. Then I remembered a conversation I had with a dear friend over a glass or bottle of wine. She had asked me when was the last time I had made any thing art wise. In all honestly it had been a good amount of time and now that I think of it all my day dreams had turned to broken glass paint brushes and the feel of slick clay as you mold it. Hummm could this be the source of all my unbridledness I was feeling. Turns out it was. Ugh I am so stupid why do I not do the things I love. You can not leave an artist cooped up too long or they go wild inside if not out worldly.

                                   Even as I pulled out my supplies and though of what I would make, I felt the calm rolling in the fresh breeze of creativity running out of my heart to play for others to see and dance in freedom. I felt my soul sigh relief, as the day ended and my hands were sore from snapping glass and my back ached from leaning over the table I was so happy I needed that I needed that. Why do I do that why do I wait till I am going to go off the rails till I do something I love to do? I don't know I was going to buy a guitar the other day and didn't because I have literally 3 new thing I own and want to try am excited to do and have not tried yet. Why? Does anyone else do this? Ugh man I don't get it. This makes me so happy and as long as it does not take over it should not be a problem unless it becomes my job which would be so very cool I could not stand it. then I could write and create all day long and I think I might just glow like a light bulb if that was true.

Nourish

I have been working on a healthier life for my self and have found it interesting how much I try to make my self suffer for it. Not just in depriving my self, contrary to popular belief people who weight more than they are supposed to do medicate with food but also are very much into making them selves suffer in it.   I found a saying the other day that is sticking with me. Fear makes you cling to the strangest things. This is true in this fear of failing makes me not eat all I am supposed to eat of the good things and when I do this that makes me spin off into unhealthy behaviors. This is so true for me in life not just trying to be healthy.

                   I wonder what life would really be like if I treated my self well nourished my self well and lived well. not extravagantly that would just be uncomfortable for me but well. I am on a mission to find out taking what I need not just the scraps I allow my self out of a lack of care or business really taking time to care and do what is right for a good life. Even writing that I feel the need to disclaim about not being selfish and self centered how sad is that. Just taking time to actually take care twists in my head to being something abhorrent to me. (sigh) Maybe one day this will be second nature to me but as for now I am setting alarms to eat lunch take a break in the after noon to stretch and enjoy 10 min minimum to care for my self. I am hoping making these appointments with my self is a good step in the right direction.

I am not sure why it is so hard to talk about weight not like anyone looking at me would be like OMG I never noticed how did you hide it all these years. It has been a sensitive subject for me for years not that I am afraid to talk about it, but when you randomly get assaulted by people verbally for it in public it becomes an issue. No seriously I have had people run across rooms down blocks and be held back like a person in a fight trying to "help" me: it is not helpful. If you are doing helpful hints to strangers in public to those who do not ask you word of advice unsolicited hints are not advice they are critique and damaging. Stop it!  Also a word to those who tease to help someone make a change Stop it! Last group if you are at the same group to loose weight or make a change you are in no position to judge other that are there for the same, enjoy the comradeship leave the I need to make my self feel better by by mocking and cutting others down at home.
These thing do make it hard to be vulnerable about where you are and the struggle to change, and no not exaggerating real examples and more behind all.

     Sorry sorry. In this day and age it is the thing you do not want to be is Fat. You can be a drug user you can be an abuser all that but fat even gain a few pounds and Bam you are done no redemption. Even if you loose it you are mocked and monitored look at Kristy Alley. It is a little different for men they are more respected when they are heavier my friends cousin lost several hundred pounds and had to gain 75 back because it was effecting his job. But in the land of the 15 inch waist of Angelina how dose one make it when you do not. Don't get me wrong I love all she has over come and what she stands for but eat something!!! In my home town they just arrested a couple for not feeding their baby there was a lot to it but one thing I am talking about is they had the Baby in the hospital on Iv's trying to get the weight up and they snatched her out without Dr. consent because she gained a pound in 3 days way less than she needed to gain. Really we look at those poor kids who survived neglect like not being fed and surviving eating the walls and your first thought is that is so sad but they are trim kids. I know we are not all that messed up but it feels that way some times.

       Having been on diets since I was 5 it is hard to look at with optimistic point of view.  But I am committed to making healthy choices not being on a diet. The out look is so much easier for me to enjoy the process along the way. I am also so grateful for the love and support I have revived not pressure at all but the cheering on and understanding has been awesome. So step by step leaf by leaf I walk this road. Trying to be vulnerable and honest along the way.

      I do not want to make this bog all about weight but I am feeling this today so this is today and what I had to say.

From Chocolate to Kale...Honestly KALE!

OK so I am back, I feel so silly about letting discouraging things and not valuing my voice and trusting I may have something silly if not interesting to say get in the way of posting. So what do I have to say for today?

I have been making striving for healthy living a thing in my life my whole life not just food but that is where I am starting talking about here. I took some advice from an expert on the Anderson show because it struck me as fitting my personality. Rather than depriving my self of the sugar I craved I scheduled it. Between 2 and 3 every day I would indulge in sugar/ sweets, also if some one offered I had to take and eat one. Had to...  I was weary of it at first and though at least this would be a really great holiday season this year. The first week was like oh yeah this is nice a little treat during the day no guilt for the first time ever. It was required so why beat your self up. Then Christmas came and I was so grateful for friends who actually eat well and the sweet count was not as high as I had thought. this was new mind set for me in it almost found my self begging in my mind just set the cookies or sweet bread down don't offer me any! Some times they did some times not. As the weeks and parties went on I found less and less delight in seeing something yummy brought out. I still appreciated the care and love that went into it and the taste but the duty to eat it was the WAh WAh  to my delight of the goodness..  I was still ok with sweets on new years holidays rocks come valentines day OMG I wanted salad! I wanted lentils (odd because I hate Lentils)! I was googling kale for gods sake. I started this last week after feel like I torturer  my self for several months with the the very thing I wanted so desperately to give up. I actually tossed out over half of my birthday cake first time ever for me doing that I just could not eat another bite.

           I have a dear friend that is doing weight watchers with a group of the most fab women ever and invited little old me!  For support hints venting celebrating and just general love. I am going to join weight watchers but have not yet I feel like such a fraud being in their support each other group (it does not start with hello my name is..) because I have yet to join. :/  I am really going in but I felt I had to walk out this thing I started to have the revolting of the sweets to keep me from falling back in old habits while I am bring me ones in to replace them.  So honestly I cheat in the best possible way at this time longing for raw snow peas while eating a cookie. Really it is true all my pinterest has switched from cake to smoothies and salad (healthy smoothies not even made with sugar one not the shakes made with ice cream you are calling smoothy so you can drink it with out guilt).

               So cut to this last week went I finally had had it with it. I freaked out about needing a salad to the surprised of my husband. The self whipping with millano cookies had to end or someone was going to get it. But the problem we still have a few remaining landmines in the house of very unopened bag of  good cookies and 3 servings of ice cream. I already  threw out my birthday cake can I really do this with the rest? I am hostage by my thrift in not wanting to waist but can not bring my self to bite one more spoon of it. Guilt and delight in eating it is replaced with revolting at the thought. Win I think for me today anyway.

                               Can this actually be working for me? Could it be that my discomfort with routine is so strong it has turned me against ice cream? That has yet to be seen but I am trusting the changes in my attitude for it will help. I also had a huge revelation the other day in eating my feelings which has always been the case for me. I had a very painful thing happen while I was in my forced sweets time. I made the connection between not going to a soother rather that facing the problem head one and dealing was the adult thing. I had never striven to be an adult the stuffy women of 1900 is what that brings to mind for me think the Dowager on Downtown Abby pinky raised at high tea and all. Not appealing to me at all, But the idea of a women standing in the face of over whelming force. Cut too Oprah as Miss Celie stabbing the knife in the table in the color Purple saying "till you do right by me." I can get behind that. So big girl Panties on we forge ahead.

                     I can not say I am making it this time, Yet. I qam changing for a healthier way but I can say in this moment I am happily munching salad spending my time looking out for healthy dinners and easy quick healthy breakfast smoothies OOOOOOOOOOO the smoothies I could bath in them and be the happy drowning in it. oh sorry about that.. The right amount the green crisp veggies and fresh fresh feel are all I long for at this moment. So I can not say I recommend the torcher your self with cookies and baked goods approach but so far it has pushed me to kale and I could not be happier about it. So we will see where this goes. I Vow here and now to be honest about where I am going with this It may take me to bear raw places but here we go  "loud and proud over pounds we go, I am going to beat those Bitches (the pounds) one at a time it will kill them not me." My new mantra.