Every four years

On Guard!

          I am a geek, yes you know this by now but it's true. I am a total Olympics geek. I love it all Fencing to white water rafting Yes sign me up to watch. It is the weirdest thing ever four years I end up glued to the tv loosing sleep because I have to know how the Fencing team did. I would never watch most of this at any other time. Once ever 4 years I am an expert wondering why the judges gave a break to the Chines diver they obviously had a bigger splash than Mexico did are they blind. Hate the Chines drivers so smug, bastards.

Holy crap!

          I am not sure where this started when I was young I would watch and try to do the gymnastic things in the basement leading to sprains and broken things (the uncoordinated should not try graceful things), Working at a expensive private school during the summer that brought in former pro tennis people to teach tennis while watching the Olympics with them was very cool (ok that was a highlight for me.)  Having a friend that almost went was also cool, there are so many memories of this that just make it awesome. Then there was the awesomeness for an adventuring girl or wanna be adventurer to know the whole world was watching. Awesome!

SAnka training.

                    Years later when I married a man from another country I found out that last part not so much true. The never watched the Olympics in Mexico and if not there where else were they not watching was Cool Runnings even true? This was earth shattering, I have changed this for my hubby anyway and changed him into a nut like me. He actually maybe more so he knows all the names and that.

Dive! Dive!

                                             I love the struggle the blow out games the guy that had never rowed before a few months ago that came and finished his first race. YES! Bring it all. I am annoyed this year by NBC's editing of the games really dude this is not some lamo reality show this is fine the way it is. Yesterday it was obvious when Mexico fell out of the diving metal running and they stopped showing them, we still want to see the competition, And there are more than 4 guys diving right? What's with leaving out the tribute to the people that died in the bombing in London. Really you think us so self serving and self centered we do not care. It is the TV equivalent to the ugly American traveler that insults everything and only eats and drinks only coke, and spray cheese on crackers when they go to France or Italy. Then there is the news people with the spoilers tell who won what before they show the game/ match or what ever it is called. Has the modern succubi or our culture finally gotten so bad it has wrecked the Olympics? Kinda yeah, I hate to say it but it has for me a bit I still watch but knowing who wins kinda takes the edge out of the race or the competition.

Stop Glaring at me I didn't call you old!

                                          The there is the adds ok I might buy the Subway commercial but I am so not buying that any of these elite athletes ate McDonald's food ever.  Why is it some of the most unhealthy stuff ever tries to attach it self to a very healthy thing. Am I just getting old that these things are bothering me now? Is it youth that brings so much of the magic of the games? MAybe, I like the dream of it the with good people working hard living right being silly in videos: yes, love that. However I do not need to know one of the swimmers on the team likes one night stands vs. relationships. I guess in the world of instant info that is what allows me to know / over know all of this is both fun blessing and I never needed to know the STD of that person all at the same time. It is not the Bachelor If you start giving me the hook up report I am done, really that is not what this is about. One last thing what is with the lack of quality of the reporters? Calling Phelps Old after the gold relay, or just lack of professionalism. Seriously repeating them selves because it seems to me like they do not know what they are talking about or they are rereading the prompter this has happened 7 times since I started counting it. Our crap new reporters reporting has now wrecked the Olympics. They used to have people that were actually in the sport that knew what was what, now they are all trying to be the morning zoo crew and loosing the whole meaning. Not everything has to be a punch line, also a call from Justin Beber is not the end all top call you can get. It is still better to get a call from the president maybe read a book report spreader of information.

Dig! Dig!

                          Sigh, Maybe beach volley ball or track Cycling will sooth me. Whisking me back to the days when my sister and I put holes in the ceiling fencing. I do think this acting out what is happening on the screen made it more fun. The other night at the gym when I went with my Hubby while we were lifting weights and walk/ running on the tread mill it was so much more fun to watch with no sound. Maybe the child in me just wants to sprain her ankle again with the joy of winning gold while doing it. Watching the flag rise while you ice your foot, good times good times. Medal on Mike medal on!

The rule of thumb

                                      Have you ever had your eyes opened to a blindness you have carried and cherished nurtured and reveled in your whole life. This happened to me in the instance I am willing to talk about when I was first married 18 years ago it was march and I wanted to share a huge family tradition in my house with my husband. We watched the Quiet man every year faithfully loved it quoted from it, well my Dad my Sister and I did. My Mother was not a fan and "joked" with my Dad about John Wane being an alcoholic wife beater, but we will get back to that later. SO with joy at sharing the treasure I sat down with most of my family and my hubby to watch the greenness of Ireland and the listen to the melody and wit of the people. As the movie went on I noticed my husband getting more and more uncomfortable. when the part came when the town was marching across the field with John and the woman came up to give him a stick "to beat the lovey lady with" That was it he was done he left the room and went to talk to my Mom. Later I asked him why he had left, his response was that John Wayne had not been very good to the wife in the movie and he just did not care for it. That sat with me for a long time made me think of the role of Men and Women.

My Mom

                                    Growing up in my house was interesting in my teen years my Mom worked at an abuse agency. My parents "debated" about politics my mom being Dem my Dad Rep. One of the impressions I did at age 5 was Jimmy Carter, it was in total me drying off my teeth and putting my lip up on top of the throwing up 2 peace signs and saying "Hi, I'm Jimmy Carter" my Nixon was worse. SO I grew up in a house that talked regularly about issues not so much personal issues but issues. My mom talked about women's rights but made sure to clarify she was not off the deep end about it. Meaning she shaved her legs and arm pits and being married meant everything to her. I always kind of saw her as a hippy want to be she wanted the things they did but the norm was not so bad. She had always been popular, never with out a date since Jr. high, she had grown up kind of privileged with a Dad who was a respected Business man in Madison. She was the dream of her area of time happy wife with 2 daughters she dressed well and loved her family very much by day. Her job had always taken her to places of compassion and hard to look at places of our society. She had become a nurse because her mom was a nurse. the Jobs I remember her having were starting the head start in Beaver Dam writing the grants for them then working for the WIC program weighing babies and doing quick checks for them, the one that left a lasting  impression on me was when she worked for the abuse shelter. I remember all the radical friends and their talks of women's rights and thinking it was over stated to think women were not valued to same  as men. When my mom died I was lost I did not know what to do she was my rock the one I could always count on, the one I could be real with. Who was I now with out her? I drifted for years holding on to the only thing keeping me floating, my faith but that was so new I had no idea how to manage it. I lost so much of who I was and those around me suffered, in that time became hard and unsure of my self. It was this time in my life this rebel part of me my Mom loved and hated with intensity started to rise up in me. It started questioning things and making me think through things I had not. along this way I found friends that challenged me to do the same and loved me while I worked it out, And I found my self again. I am not as proper a women as my Mom would have liked but I do think as she always did she would admire me for being me.

                                      The idea of equality for women has come back up in my life that seed firmly planted by my Mom and I have been spending time thinking about Her and the influence she had on me in this part of my life what a revolutionary she was fighting in the courts and If my mind remembers right working to pass laws or get them enforced anyway. Yesterday I saw a picture talking about traditional Marriage and what that actually looked like. Women property until 1768, Monogamy since 1899, wife own property 1900, contraception 1965, interracial couples 1967, credit in her name 1975 (I was one), Husband owns all property by default done 1981 (I was 7), and Legal marital Rape ended 1993 (I was one year out of high school).  First off I would be one illegal women in the 60's, married to a Mexican and owning credit and all. But it got me thinking the right not to be raped was won in my life time when I was an adult. How crazy is that? As I looked into this not so fun fact I learned was that the saying "rule of thumb" comes from the rule you could beat your wife with a stick as long as it was  no thinker than your thumb. really how does that work. sorry "Timmy Dad got to into beating your Mom with the stick and beat her to death but it was with in the rule of thumb so wink wink it's ok, pass the ovaltein Daddy worked up an appetite." Come on I am tired of the whole we are still fighting for this. it is 2013 we should be so past this by now we all should be equal. everyone! It just seems like there is more hate more subjugation of people or it is a growing trend anyway. the generations of women starting in the 1700 have been on this since than and we still have people like Rush Limbaugh saying things have gone down hill since we let women vote, and he is still on the air. REALLY are you kidding me? Some is paying him to be on there saying this. NO really they are even Radio aint free.

                                    Women we have a heritage of strong compassionate women a sisterhood we have an obligation them, our selves, our daughters and sons to speak up, stand up and do not except less. Men do not think you gain by this idea when one of us loose our power we all are weaker for it. I am not generalizing Men, I know many that understand and revel in this encouraging the women in their lives to be who they are and be free. I have been luck enough to be married to one. It is time this stopped being an issue and started being history.

                           

Savannah on my mind.

             I know all 3 of you reading my blog are going to tire of hearing about this by March But I am loving the South these day re introducing my self with the lore and striving freedom of the oppressed and the warmth of the people and the free guide books to Savannah on Kindle. I love it all of it the movies good and bad the books and pictures.

            I remember when I was young we went down there and brought back some of the air plants and moss they died and lot their allure as soon as we got back to the snow. You have to have grand Live oaks with dripping Spanish moss on them for it to work properly. Come to think of it it may just be the oak tree Spanish moss thing I love so much part of it any way I seriously love the stuff the more drippy gray wispy stuff there is the more in love with the photo I am. The slow relaxed life is appealing too. Sigh I was made for it, except I would die in flames with the heat of it all. If that did not take me my head might explode and the number of bugs. But other than that it is fabulous! I know it can get touristy and be in horror with the forest Gump non existing bench being a horror for all but the romance of it is not lost on me. I have to say I find it funny that one of the reasons that we are going to this place is because My husband is so excited I am related to some one who owned a plantation down here. I was more reluctant because I do not think a brother of my great great great great grandfather is really a relative but I am excited to see the place any way.

           Savannah has me firmly in it's grip love the whole thing and want to move there now. Sigh that may never be but I love the idea of it. That maybe because I think it will be like the sugar baker girls in the show Designing Women, or may be fried green Tomatoes. Maybe We could snow bird there, oh and I promise not to ram any snot nose girls car. Pretty please, oh your right I am my mothers daughter I might ram their car.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXZs3mjGlQU . I loved that part in that movie OH it makes me think of my Mom every time I watch it or hear about it. The first thing is the name Mom always called it fried green Zucchinis because she loved them and could not fathom green tomatoes being good. Have you ever had a relative do something that ends up in a movie a few years after they did it? Yeah my mom tore down a wall in the house one day granted it was a half wall but while we at school and my Dad at work she just tore it down. It was awesome and kindda like mom tore down a wall while you did math today. Just the way Kathy bates played in the modern part of the story was was so like Mom. Sigh I miss her.

Imploding

                                   Once again this week I was faced with my need for people to like me, not just that but approve of me and feel included. One of the things I love most about my husband is his wicked sense of humor, his impish way or needing to go wild once in a while. I adore this and encourage it, keeps me on my toes and challenges me to stay witty or at least looking at the world a little more off beat. However there are times I truly would implode if I could when he burst forth and to his delight (and also the delight of most of our friends) bursts forth with jerkdom of the best meaning whimsy. I would like to curl into my elf and implode little a sci-fy imp just a folding in with a little flash of light then gone. There is a delight in the making people uncomfortable that escapes me.

                                 I hate that need to feel accepted all the time, not just me but I need everyone in the group to feel included and excepted. It is a sickness, really even people that I do not know I do not want them to feel left out or pushed off in anyway. I know there are times I have done this and just horrified m self as words left my lips meaning to be casual and welcoming but outside my head just go all bitchy and wrong. Ugh. communication is hard enough without having to worry all the time about if everyone is ok or not. I feel like a dork holding up a "Like me, please" sign all the time. I think Facebook was made by people like this. It's exhausting! Why is there this need to be accepted so much?, Really? Who cares what someone you just met thinks of you? and if they are included: I do, I desperately do. It's an illness, I swear it is. In Grade School there was my birthday party, I had wanted everyone to feel included so I invited every girl in class to my house, making it 5th grade girl hell. I remember sitting upstairs crying up set as the divisions a girl meanness only tween and teen girls can have wondering how wanting everyone to feel welcome had gone so wrong.

                                  I'm at a loss for how to be rid of this. I know it is a long standing  problem for me, in some ways I have made strides, I speak my mind more even if I think it will upset others. In those cases I have tried to be very careful but still be true to myself rather than just being silent because it is easier. Conflict is not easy for me, it is hard for me not to just loose myself so that someone else can feel ok. I had done that a lot of my life standing up for myself, it has been a hard road but for one I am glad I went down. I have felt better since. I am unsure how to free myself from caring so much what other think. I know it's partly my nature as someone who naturally encourages others but I think there is a healthy and unhealthy thing to it too. Just like standing up for yourself; there is the healthy way to say "I love you" or care about you but I can not be in relationship with you while you treat me this way. But, What is the healthy way to step back from caring what others think? I still feel bad with the healthy boundaries I have had to set because I know how hurt people can be because they can not understand your need for it. I do not know what it feels like, but I'm needing to find out.

Looking back

                  So I can not divorce my self from the things that I write in my other blog about beauty today, this painting I posted today reminded me so much of my Dad's parents. My grandfather Jim had so much heart, I always remember wanting to be around him. sitting by him while he talked of the south Pacific in the war and how he would go back someday shooting riffles that knocked me on my butt in his back yard. His kind eyes smiling out at everyone. I do not think I went any where with him that everyone in the place did not know him. He smoked so much his voice was low and comforting. He was so short hardly even 5 ft. tall It was a right of passage to be taller than him. But no one could eclipse him any where he went. He was quiet but friendly and such a loving man.

                   My grandmother and him were so funny together I remember when I was 5 watching him mow the lawn he walked over to this flower bed around a tree took down the brinks and mowed the flowers then replaced the bricks. and continued to mow. I found it odd it was not till 3 hours later when my grandmother went out to water her flowers that I heard he yelling about him mowing them and how she could not understand how he could do it she had put the brinks there to stop him and he still gets them with the brinks unmoved.. I laughed but never told. They had such a funny relationship to me they called each other old crab and old crow with such affection. Too hard headed to admit they loved each other you could see it without the words. They made such a funny couple with my grandpa being so short and grandma being so tall seeming to me as child to be almost 6 ft. tall.

            My grandmother was a harder one to know with all her German stubbornness she loved but was not so much with the affection. She was a wild women in many was going to biker rallies and gay bars with her sons, a fire deep with in her. I do remember her coming to take care of us with my Grandpa when my parents went away for vacation. Sitting on the couch with them and her arms wrapped around me talking to me and tickling me. Other times swimming with her in the lake in Arkansas and stopping at any yard sale we could find every where. With all her toughness she put out there was a tender heart underneath. She was a Rosy the Riveter in during the war going to work to support her family and the men fight in the war. She had lots of determination.

                I am not trying to say they did not have their faults just that I loved them and miss them. Parts of them I would like to not know and other parts I long for more of. I miss you love you both. Relationships can be so hard with people living so far apart hell there hard living so close together.  I think it is important to take time to look and remember those that have past and not editing them to suit us ether hard or just good but to remember the whole person. I wish I had known them both better but cherish what I did have.

            I am not sure the blog world will care about this post much but I hope it stirs you to look back at some people in your life you have lost.