Meteor Love

                       There is a meteor shower this weekend! I am excited to see it! I don't know that I can say I have just sat and watched a meteor shower ever. there was one time we were chaperoning a youth retreat provably this time of year and we sat on a bench while patrolling for sneaky teenagers or not so sneeky because we knew already where they were going, I do not remember seeing any. I am thinking tonight maybe I will make a picnic and a bottle o' wine and whisk my hubby out in search or a dark spot where we can cuddle up and watch the stars. OR we could find some friends build a fire and drink our wine and watch too. either way that would be a great night.

                     I love that we do little things like this, we have made an effort to make special times just to be. It works for us. I had miss calculated our year we have been married I thought it was 18 for most of this year but it is 17. Still nothing to sneeze at, At my 20th reunion this last summer I had a friend come up to my husband and say he thinks we are the longest married couple in the class. I don't know it has not seemed so long I love spending time with my hubby. I look forward every call every text I get. The sound of His voice and the way he says my name is like no one else in the world. He is my support, my soft place to land, my encourager, truth teller when no one else would dare, the eyes that see through all my crap, and the humor that has kept me laughing and taking life with ease, the heart so big I have yet to see the limit, and the only man that can still surprise me even after all these years.

                         I knew when I met him I would marry him: it scared me to death. 3 months later he was my hubby. It is so cheesy to say but he dreamed of me when he was a kid and knew I was t be his wife, he forgot until he saw me then those dreams came back to him. IT had to be no man would have put up with how mean I was the first week to him I wanted nothing to do with him. Ugh I hate that story it makes me sound like such a jerk, and think about it it is the story people always ask you about. He looks like a saint and I look like a crab. Sigh, I may have to make up a new how we met story. I was always afraid with how quick we married that it would burn out so fast but every year every day I love him a little more. I never thought this would be me, for those that only know me now as a sappy romantic. Honestly in my head some times when I hear my self talk about it even our own story of love and how much I actually Love him, the cynic in me groans and rolls her eyes. I was never going to marry it was crap who wanted that. turns out: I did want that but not just with anyone. He had to be sweet, he had to be kind, he had to be thoughtful, Quirky, and fully mine.

                      I am not saying we are perfect (I want to be very clear on that) I am not saying we do not have our stuff, oh honey  we do. We Learned to fight with respect and talk things out years ago: that has made life so much sweeter for us. You have so much less to get over to remember how much you mean to each other when you do that. We try to talk things out before they become big thing and blow up. I  have to say it is not easy it is hard to admit when your are being a jerk when you are than to have to hold that line to win a battle only to loose part of what you have. To win what?

                             Oh that went a different place I was going to go with this post but I think I will leave it at that get out do something spontaneous with your love or people in your life that mean the world to you. Talk things out listening to each other not just talking at each other.  Don't put it off if: they mean something to you call them get together with them. if they mean something to you I am fairly sure you mean something to them too. unless you are a stalker or Dexter then your way of getting together with some what less what I am would recommend.

                          ( I feel like I need to add a disclaimer to this I know not everyone is safe in their live in their relationships. I have been very blessed with the man I spend my life with. If you are being hit or abused. there are places that can help you. You are worth so much more, no one ever has the right to lay hands on you No one ever! There is no deserving it. seek help, people love and count on you, if you can not do it for you do it for them.)

The Others

           I have been thinking this morning about a challenge a friend of mine made to me to think of  the 10 things that are most important to me. with all the things going in politics here in WI and around our country I am thinking of Arizona and North Carolina as I write this One jumps to mind I wanted to share here. I have been noticing it all day in looking at the propaganda posts of all sides the cartoons and "news" posts is that the old ways are still effective. Making some one other than us makes them distant and then we can cast all our fear and negativity on them. It is dangerous in my mind to do so all propaganda has started this way all hate lives here. When someone is unlike us we distrust them because after all if they had the same information as us they would believe as we do, and if they do have the same information they must be stupid or evil wanting destruction of us all.

                 Look at the stereo types placed in cultures The Indians wanted to kill us, the Micks were rats taking over. IN our own day look what is said about people that are Arab, Black, or of Hispanic decent in the name of saving our people / protecting our borders or gay marriage. They are going to bring the destruction of us all. We will live in jejad, and the Mexicans are going to over run us, and the gays will bring about the down fall of marriage. The call for this is is that they are other than us they are not like us, their values are different so they are flawed. This has all been said before Russians in the cold war, the Irish in the turn of the century were going to over run our nation The end of slavery and Jim crow laws were going to bring down our economy and letting couples from other faiths or races marry was going to bring down the institution it self.

                               If the border thing is so true why is it always the southern border we worry about I am closer to the Canadian border both our our allies there are as many Canadian people here illegally as any other.  No one disparages the  pick up hockey team from there, or the very polite people at the coffee shop, But the very polite people buy salsa are so different? The equality of all people in our nation has done so much to enrich our lives as a people so many people from other cultures have added to us as a people not taken away.

         Couples inter marry with other religions and races (my self being one) and very live happy lives. This was not so in just the generation before us. Hundreds of thousands of Arab people live in our country and want it to do well for their children and them selves because it is their land too. That actions of a few horrible people should not taint our view of all people. Most serial killers have been white do other people need to worry that we will go all Dexter on them?
              The moment we make someone different from our selves an "other" it makes it ok to do things say things we could not do when we see them as our selves as valuable. It allows fear to rule us, fear makes a poor ruler. If someone is valuable even if they are different from us, if not only that but they can offer us a wider view of the world then we hold in our singular look at it. Giving perspective and wisdom to us that other wise would be lost showing things we would not want to see or would gloss over, makes us stronger. It takes hate out of it. How can you hate someone like you how can you hate one of us. Hate never rings perspective never brings growth it keeps one trapped. I listened to a TEd talk the other day about being wrong and the one thing that stood out to me in it is that being wrong has no feeling it feels very much like being right, till we are proven wrong. If all we do is hang out with those like us there is so much we could be wrong about and never know. I am a firm believer Love wins every time Love is stronger than hate. In Love for others there is not room for making someone other than your self they are like you human. Love can cast out fear, there is no reasoning with fear and hate. It does not make us free it enslaves us limits who are as a people: makes who we will be smaller then who we could be. Both as a nation a people and human-beings.

Flying death monkeys

                                   Bees are like beans we all know we need them one to pollinate flowers the other to unclutter our insides. But one is a flying death and the other causes moments we all rather would not have. I do not how ever hold the same hate for beans that I hold for bees. Beans can improved in flavor by spices and other things, Bees can not. People always say we can learn so much from bees  they are hard workers well organized. But there other lessons To learn too.
     
                            Bees have a life span of about 1 year but physiologically they could live 5 to 6 years. They work them selves to death they limit their intake to only what is necessary when leaving to get pollen. I am not advocating for gluttony or laziness, just taking care of our selves. Rather than just suffering with hunger in some attempt to loose weight rather find a healthy thing have, moderation in all things but constantly depriving your self is not good. I am not talking about eating healthy and doing what is good for your body I am talking about waiting just a little longer than you have to to eat or drink something not just once in a while but regularly. some would call this disciplined others self control. this last week I have been looking at how I treat my self I have strive to be kind  loving others and compassionate this how ever I have not applied to my self.

                                  In the bible there is a quote that says love your neighbor as you love your self. The traditional view of this is that we treat our selves so well and others so poor. How ever it is clear to me no one is harder on us than us. Even to deep down meanest of us is harder on them selves. We beat our selves and starve our selves from things that are good for us things we need to live. Why would we not be kind to our selves treat our selves as we would treat our best friend or an honored guest. Why does that feel selfish to respect our selves. I have no answers in this I am struggling to find it my self. I guess it calls me back to  the tattoo I got a few years ago it says learning to live loved. that has meant many things over time. but learning to actually implementing it for my self has been spotty at best. I think it is something that we need to do for our selves so that we can treat others as we treat our selves or will be doing disservice to both.

Looking back

                  So I can not divorce my self from the things that I write in my other blog about beauty today, this painting I posted today reminded me so much of my Dad's parents. My grandfather Jim had so much heart, I always remember wanting to be around him. sitting by him while he talked of the south Pacific in the war and how he would go back someday shooting riffles that knocked me on my butt in his back yard. His kind eyes smiling out at everyone. I do not think I went any where with him that everyone in the place did not know him. He smoked so much his voice was low and comforting. He was so short hardly even 5 ft. tall It was a right of passage to be taller than him. But no one could eclipse him any where he went. He was quiet but friendly and such a loving man.

                   My grandmother and him were so funny together I remember when I was 5 watching him mow the lawn he walked over to this flower bed around a tree took down the brinks and mowed the flowers then replaced the bricks. and continued to mow. I found it odd it was not till 3 hours later when my grandmother went out to water her flowers that I heard he yelling about him mowing them and how she could not understand how he could do it she had put the brinks there to stop him and he still gets them with the brinks unmoved.. I laughed but never told. They had such a funny relationship to me they called each other old crab and old crow with such affection. Too hard headed to admit they loved each other you could see it without the words. They made such a funny couple with my grandpa being so short and grandma being so tall seeming to me as child to be almost 6 ft. tall.

            My grandmother was a harder one to know with all her German stubbornness she loved but was not so much with the affection. She was a wild women in many was going to biker rallies and gay bars with her sons, a fire deep with in her. I do remember her coming to take care of us with my Grandpa when my parents went away for vacation. Sitting on the couch with them and her arms wrapped around me talking to me and tickling me. Other times swimming with her in the lake in Arkansas and stopping at any yard sale we could find every where. With all her toughness she put out there was a tender heart underneath. She was a Rosy the Riveter in during the war going to work to support her family and the men fight in the war. She had lots of determination.

                I am not trying to say they did not have their faults just that I loved them and miss them. Parts of them I would like to not know and other parts I long for more of. I miss you love you both. Relationships can be so hard with people living so far apart hell there hard living so close together.  I think it is important to take time to look and remember those that have past and not editing them to suit us ether hard or just good but to remember the whole person. I wish I had known them both better but cherish what I did have.

            I am not sure the blog world will care about this post much but I hope it stirs you to look back at some people in your life you have lost.

Authenticity and stuff through other stuff

              I have been listening to a women named Brené Brown Talk about Vulnerability and shame. I like such a cheat taking great research and ideas and restating them but I can not get them out of my head. There were things I have believed in my heart for years and struggled to make true in my life for longer than that. I have had this idea ruminating in my heart of what I wanted to write here for days, weeks, OK, well in between the Buffy episodes and the Holiday, any way, but could not quite get my mind formed around the notion I was grasping at.  After listening to them I ran across a quote I want to start out with, a quote from  Elisabeth Elliot "There is nothing worth living for, unless it is worth dying for." Amazing right, unless you look at all the things that kill us silently, we die all the time inside to protect ourselves 

from being vulnerable: from the feeling of standing naked in a room of people with all of who we are, spread out without guarantee of anything. People: unless they are nudest or expeditiousness die all the time to avoid that feeling, it is when we can go there that we will be free. not actually standing naked in a room of people that is crazy talk. The thing of nightmares for most but the nightmare of all: to be vulnerable with something more precious: our hearts and the real us to bear him or her and let that be OK, not only OK, the norm of how we live. Most of us would rather be in the room naked as horrific as that may seem to some; because we could blame it on the alcohol or at least hide the real us behind the shock factor or beauty; the image of our outer self holds. 

        Brené Brown is a women that researches and tell the story of what the data tell her, she has spent 13 years so far looking at shame and vulnerability. I am sure she has other things too but I am going on what the videos say.  she has found and written about  Vulnerability this well my notes an expounding on of it.... People who feel worthy have a strong chance of worthiness not because of anything other than they believe they are worthy. Those who think this way can be best described as wholehearted. They have the curage to be imperfect, compassion, to be kind to themselves and others, connectedness a result of being genuine letting go of the idea of who they should be and accept themselves as they are, and embraced vulnerability, is what made them beautiful and it being fundamental.

           Vulnerability it's the birthplace of shame, fear, and loneliness, but also joy, creativity, and love. In those three things, you can't have them if you are not vulnerable. To be creative is to put your heart out there to love, it's the same to feel joy is to let go and to experience it without worrying of the drop from having experienced full joy with your whole heart. Full Joy is the mountaintop experience but is not the same without the valley, it's Nebraska flat land. however comforting that may seem it is not real living. This idea reminds me of my father and what he used to say to me about emotions, not that it was healthy but it was said often whether I was very excited or upset and it was the life view presented to me "Rain in your emotions. if you let yourself go to the top you will have to go to the bottom, stay steady even keel" That is not the place I long to live in my life so I will take the pain too. 

                             Living in a way that can open us up to vulnerability is scary and hard to face, no one can live there all the time, we all numbing vulnerability with addictions, eating/ not eating, shopping/ saving,  drinking,  whatever they are.  When you numb one emotion (IE pain) you numb them all (IE joy). A not so looked at way of numbing ourselves it's making uncertain things certain. Look at our culture today: Religiousness, Politics, anything people hold a firm belief on: Star Wars vs. Star Trek, anything there is no common ground. We are right, you are wrong,  I am brilliant,  you are not. This idea of arguing our point or as some say having animated discourse (IE fighting) is keeping us away from the uncomfortable idea that there may be room for others to hold an opinion I do not share and that's a valid place to because then we would have to live in the place of uncertainty,  a free flowing place with little firm ground but much more room for not only ourselves but others. Another  numbing technique that goes along with this it's when we blame, this gives us  a way to discharge discomfort. Getting a little relief from feeling overwhelming,  feeling of  being vulnerable. So much easier to cast that on to others than to live in a place of nakedness and honesty with ourselves.

          Another  way we numb  it's perfecting ourselves, or our children, or those around us. It's the same principle to me as The standing in the room Naked idea.  It's putting the front out there so we don't have to be vulnerable. Children were never meant to be perfect, they were never meant to be looked at after they were born "I  told you are perfect I want to keep you this way". they are only perfect because they have not made mistakes yet, It's so much better to look at them in the honest light of "They are who they are and who they are is enough" no one gets through anything without mistakes, it's when we believe that is not the end, we can move on. This goes back to the people who feel worthy knowing they are not perfect and that being ok. 

              But when all that fails we have Pretending. Pretending  what we do doesn't have an effect on others and I would add ourselves to this, this is the choice of many putting our heads in the sand or fingers in our ears and LA LA LAing our way along/ because like the 5 year old playing hide and seek in the middle of the floor with just his eyes closed and nothing in front of them, if I can't see it or at least do not acknowledge it:  it is not there.

                    The only way through life without  numbing in both addiction type ways and the ones listed  it's to let ourselves be seen, deeply and authentically vulnerably, seen without guarantee people will get it or except it,  To Love with our whole hearts even when there is no guarantee that we will be loved back: practice love and joy in the face of rejection and pain, and believing we are enough, then we face those internal and external, telling us, otherwise to be strong enough to be  kinder and gentler to ourselves and those around us. 

                        I am drawn to the words of Jesus "Love others you as you love yourself"  You can't have compassion or real love for others if you can't have it for yourself. This mostly thrown out there as the idea that we are so full of ourselves, we can't love others, I would stand in the face of that backed up by this and other research that says "We struggle to love others because we struggle to love ourselves". We see Vulnerability as weakness, however Vulnerability isn't weakness. Vulnerability it's our most accurate measure of Courage. To stand in vulnerability takes more grit than to hide behind all the mentioned numbing techniques we all have perfected so well. It is also the birthplace of Creativity, Innovation and Change. Adaptability to change,  it's all about Vulnerability. How can you have any of these things while standing on the norm, they do not live there. The most extraordinary people we all know even look up too live in this place. You can't have success without failing, the two are intertwined. What stops us from living in that place?,The Critic. However,  Isn't The Critic that gets the credit,  the credit goes to the person doing the task because when he fails he does so daring greatly.  I have to say even though I loved Oprah before, her shows have been the background words in places of my life. I love that when she stepped away from her giant success of a show she tried something new and it has not gone so well and she has done it with grace and openness that people loved her for she stayed in vulnerably daring to fail but daring to do so greatly. 

             The Critic we all face, if we are honest with ourselves, if ourselves comes in two forms: Shame and Guilt. Shame it's two things: Never good enough and Who do you think you are? Shame and Guilt are different,  Shame it's focused on Self , Guilt it's focused on Behavior. It's the I am bad vs. I did something bad. I am sorry I made a mistake (Guilt) vs. I am sorry I am a mistake (Shame). Shame is correlated to: Addiction, Depression, Violence, Aggression, Bulling, Suicide, Eating Disorders. Guilt inversely correlated with those things. 

                The only people who do not experience Shame are those that do not have the capacity for connection or empathy; a sociopath as I said before,  so stop shaming yourself for having it. I think it's the better choice. Shame has a different relationship connected through each gender, both feel it, again as humans without sociopath  tendencies. For women "Do it all" and "Do it perfectly and Never let them see you sweat" A web of conflicting competing expectations about Who are supposed to be? "Bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and make you man happy"  while being everything for children, family of origin and friends both making new and keeping close ties with the old. You can see the plate spinner running and juggling one after another,  It is exhausting and unobtainable. for men is not it, it boils down to one thing,  "Do not be perceived as weak"  Men see the world as people needing them to be on a white horse, unable to "Fall down" or "Step Off". I propose there are some man that refuse to even get on the horse not letting other trust or rely on them They,  are out of fear of falling, never get on the horse. Make no mistake this in not just their friends, coaches, bosses and other men, this is women too. I would say this is women more. Shame is an ugly place, lonely but for most it's safer than Vulnerability.

                                   A women that can sit with a man in real Vulnerability and fear, and she has done some incredible  work. a man that can sit with a women who has just had it and he really listens rather than fixing it he has done a lot of work. Shame is an epidemic in our culture, we need to find our way out from under it to find our way back to each other. Empathy is key to find our way back to one another. Empathy is the antidote to Shame, Shame needs secrecy, silence and judgment. Guilt is so much easier to cope with than Shame. I would say every time we give in to shame and guilt  we betray ourselves and reinforce them in our lives.  But to sit in this place not only ourselves but to have the Grace to let other do the same it's the essence of real love and loving.  For some they will have no more than what the picture shows, one touch, one little piece of it, finger to finger and it's enough to sustain their whole life. But , Why would we settle for such scraps when we can move to a place of more connection? We have to understand shame and it's role in our humanness. Everyone is washed in the ill tides of shame, keeping us from being able to do so much more than can be summed up here by any other words here but Life or Love.

Here are the videos I referred to from  Brené Brown.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html