Moving

In my quest to write I have decided to move to word press sight. I have some new posts there and thought I would invite those who read me here to join me there. so here I am The new blog is called Platypus pondering here is the link:   http://platypuspondering.wordpress.com/

Flop sweat and sweat

the horror the is Jazzercise

  The time has come no more waiting in the back the horror of it all the painful twisting of muscle, being packed in like wriggling sardines still moving as the top of the can is sealed. Yes it is time to join the gym.. this anxiety build place for me this den of judgment and condemnation has again made it's way into my life. This is a good thing it is what I want but it is also scary for me having only had one good gym experience I am heavily relying on to make it through the door of this new one. This has been giving me nightmares for days thinking about this. Where perk tones bitches push there way through rooms of people to give me hurtful not helpful advice (yes this happens to me occasionally) or the Jazzercize nightmare of Psychedelic leotards that my Mom forced me to go to And last but not least Gym class with teachers that regularly taunted those not athletically inclined, cue memory of jerk wad Gym teacher being driving instructor making you do push ups in the middle of the street for hitting the curb parking in front of my boyfriends house both humiliation and the terror of being hit by a car. The horror associated with gyms and gym related people is huge! My nightmares differ occasionally on how I handle it some are rooms of people laughing at me some are the beat down of perky girl and my favorite the verbal smack down ending in her hopefully learning something (ok you got me I like the beat down too). 

I remember this at the Y when I was younger.
(Not her the equipment)

                                                  That said I have high hopes for the gym we are joining, like the one good experience with gyms that I have joined there are great things a pool good equipment people who help design a work out for you and the best part a movie theater with exercise equipment in it so no one can see me doing my thing, this is the best part for me. I loved the gym we joined years ago something about having people that would know if I did not go and the cheapness in me of not wanting to pay for something I did not use worked for me I went daily loved it so much made friends with some of the people who worked there and really would have continued to go had I not busted my knee up, got seriously ill and lost my job all in the same few months. This is the feeling I am hoping to build on supportive people not the knee busting out of workness. That is the plan hope it turns out that way for me and to the bin of judgment I am trying to be positive and not expect the worst.

                          For me I am ok with me I love my self where I am this took a long time a lot of effort and so much love from those in my life seriously I have the best people ever in my life. This is about being more active free to do the things I want to do. Healthier not stick figure or barbie perfect not that I think that is ever possible for me in the slightest. The me I am expecting to find under all this is a curvy girl with big hips big boobs and attitude. Yeah here's hoping I find here under here. Hello are ya there come out come out who ever you are.

When apples attack

                                          Sorry I have been away I cut my self you would think this is not such a big deal because it is just a thumb but when one types with 2 hands and forgets one has stitches it is painful. How did I do this? well in my quest for eating healthier I was making and apple peanut butter pita with agave when the apple attacked me I was as shocked as anyone. I was unaware of the sinister side of apples only have known them for their deliciousness and vitamins before, their blood thirsty nature was unknown to me before. thanks to our new super sharp knives the apple got a really good shot in after I realized I was not going to stop bleeding on my own I went to the clinic just down the road. as we got in the car to go the radio blared "you cut me me open and I keep bleeding keep keep bleeding..." I found this hilarious my hubby did not and thought I might be suffering shock or something as I laughed while I bleed next to him. So we get there and they take me back almost right away because really how often does one get attacked by an apple. They stitch me up 5 stitches on my thumb should have been 6. now you may think big whoop 5 stitches and 6 days later and your still complaining about it. remember thumbs are not that big  5 should of been 6 stitches takes you from next to the thumb to diagonally 2/3s of the way to the other side of the nail, that is a lot of the thumb.

                                So a few things I have noticed besides I space bar with my left thumb is that for a women to dress without using her thumbs is near impossible if she wishes in any way shape or form to where a bra not happening with out help. If you have a dog that loves you she will give you slobbery apple piece after she hunted it down and killed the offending fruit when you get home from the hospital. You will have to keep her from trying to devotedly help you heal your thumb even in your sleep and she tries to sneak up and just clean it up for ya while you rest. Also when one so hunting down a very fast black spider that ran down the wall right by your head before you were just about to go to sleep you will mistake your own stitches for said spider on your thumb at least 3 times possibly 4. There is a lot of time spent thinking about the Hollywood movies and tv shows that  show people stitching them selves up with just a wince and you thinking what frigging liars they are because you had only 3/4 numbing in your last 2 stitches and winced and while they were putting the numbing stuff on you kicked the table and sucked air. frigging Hollywood no one is tough enough to do that with out at least gritting their teeth. then you think wow I have seen way too many movies with those scenes in them. then then you go to you have seen to many movies in general. Then you think maybe just maybe movies and TV has screwed with your view of the world and how it works.. nah that's crazy: back to the list of this affected by a stabbed thumb...  One can not do dishes and dishes will take over the entire kitchen.  No one finds the keep bleeding being on the radio while you bleed is funny as you do and finally: NO one believes apples attacked you. Apples being fruity are mistaken for sweet and tasty but beware the apple waiting  to pounce. They made a movie about the harmless tomatoes when it is the apple you should be warned of.

Imploding

                                   Once again this week I was faced with my need for people to like me, not just that but approve of me and feel included. One of the things I love most about my husband is his wicked sense of humor, his impish way or needing to go wild once in a while. I adore this and encourage it, keeps me on my toes and challenges me to stay witty or at least looking at the world a little more off beat. However there are times I truly would implode if I could when he burst forth and to his delight (and also the delight of most of our friends) bursts forth with jerkdom of the best meaning whimsy. I would like to curl into my elf and implode little a sci-fy imp just a folding in with a little flash of light then gone. There is a delight in the making people uncomfortable that escapes me.

                                 I hate that need to feel accepted all the time, not just me but I need everyone in the group to feel included and excepted. It is a sickness, really even people that I do not know I do not want them to feel left out or pushed off in anyway. I know there are times I have done this and just horrified m self as words left my lips meaning to be casual and welcoming but outside my head just go all bitchy and wrong. Ugh. communication is hard enough without having to worry all the time about if everyone is ok or not. I feel like a dork holding up a "Like me, please" sign all the time. I think Facebook was made by people like this. It's exhausting! Why is there this need to be accepted so much?, Really? Who cares what someone you just met thinks of you? and if they are included: I do, I desperately do. It's an illness, I swear it is. In Grade School there was my birthday party, I had wanted everyone to feel included so I invited every girl in class to my house, making it 5th grade girl hell. I remember sitting upstairs crying up set as the divisions a girl meanness only tween and teen girls can have wondering how wanting everyone to feel welcome had gone so wrong.

                                  I'm at a loss for how to be rid of this. I know it is a long standing  problem for me, in some ways I have made strides, I speak my mind more even if I think it will upset others. In those cases I have tried to be very careful but still be true to myself rather than just being silent because it is easier. Conflict is not easy for me, it is hard for me not to just loose myself so that someone else can feel ok. I had done that a lot of my life standing up for myself, it has been a hard road but for one I am glad I went down. I have felt better since. I am unsure how to free myself from caring so much what other think. I know it's partly my nature as someone who naturally encourages others but I think there is a healthy and unhealthy thing to it too. Just like standing up for yourself; there is the healthy way to say "I love you" or care about you but I can not be in relationship with you while you treat me this way. But, What is the healthy way to step back from caring what others think? I still feel bad with the healthy boundaries I have had to set because I know how hurt people can be because they can not understand your need for it. I do not know what it feels like, but I'm needing to find out.

What to get for the father who found everything he wanted on Facebook

Father

               This is the first Father's day my Hubie has wanted to celebrate since we have been married. He has been a father for 22 years but his son was lost to him years ago to circumstances he could not control. This last year in November our prayers we answered and he found his son on Facebook of all things.  He had never given up hope but had little of it in ever finding him again. Things have been slow in the getting to know you part but the joy of finding his lost son has not faded.

Son

                It was really the most miraculous thing ever. He had gotten a friend request from one of his ex's niece because his brother had entered his school and home town in and a friend of his friend found him then the niece found him through that. and in her friends as soon as he saw his face He  knew this was his son. Neither of us could stop smiling for days! after a well crafted letter saying all the things that lived in his heart all these years he made contact and we found out we were Grandparents! They have talked a little since then. Never again will Facebook be taken so lightly in this house anyway.

Grandson

                 So this being the first Father's day after that I am kinnda stumped as to what to do for him about it. It is such a big deal. We have not been able to have children of our own and until this last November My bonus son had seemed like a virtual person. someone you knew was there but never saw or heard anything about other than when we would pray for him together or separately. I am so excited to celebrate this day with him and just take the time to really soak in all this year has brought us.

       For a number of years Fathers day has been a downer day for us. My hubies Dad died a number of years ago and my own father and I have been estranged for a number of years. Throw in a child you have been missing for almost 20 years and boom you have a day you would like to forget.I love when things get redeemed something so hurtful and painful because a thing of joy and celebrating. So for all those who's Father's day is not what you hoped and is a sad reminder of thing you lost or never had I hope your day can be redeemed as well.

How did that happen?

                        I have a hard time alining my self with being a christian most times. Not because I  do not love Jesus or am not a follower of his way but because of what the word has come to be associated with. I was watching a show on PBS about our founding fathers and their struggle to write the constitution of the US and the times and reasoning around that. For a people who came from a land where the monarch and the church aligned under pain of death letting people worship as they wished was a bold dream never before given to a people. A boldness that was fallowed by an out poring of the holy spirit. Also accompanied by a crack down of the established churches of the time as they feared this freedom.

                      I know a few of the things fallowing the ways of Jesus has Effected the world. The right for women to vote and be heard in the public arena, fighting against abuse on women and children, end of slavery, the humane treatment of prisoners, care for widows the poor,  orphans , and the ill, stopping child labor in the US, the red cross and salvation army still care for the poor and those in war and disasters, the YMCA, and laws that are for all people where previously they had been power birth right influenced. So why is this such a contradiction to what it is seen as today. Where people shout at others holding offensive signs and are known more for what they are against than what they are for.

                                         I a world full of red faced talking heads shouting against this and against that . UGh who needs it. There is that annoying christian saying that goes if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything.  What about standing for love standing for the oppressed standing for people. I love people people are the best people I know. Since when does loving someone mean you have to agree with everything they say and do. If that is a requirement we would be very lonely people or just not know each other very well if this was the case.
                                      

                                         I look at the raging debate over gay marriage and all I can see is cherry picking of verses you do not understand mixed with homophobia that pushes people God loves further from him. How would you feel if you are constantly told someone hates you. If you were thinking about the person rather than who they love or how they do that the behavior see today would not happen. I look at the history of marriage and just less than a generation ago my marriage would be illegal, being interracial. I had an uncle who was with the same partner for years they loved each other so much you could tell even as a child I knew they loved each other it did not scar me to know this. If they had the choice I do think they would have gotten married it pains me to think they could not. Talking the religion out of it they are Americans they pay taxes my religious right should not stop them from having their civil rights.

                                   I am not sure that this did much as far as a post if I made any points or not or even if this is a coherent string of words it just has been simmering in me a long time. I long for followers of Jesus to be known for what he was about freeing the enslaved , loving your neighbor, and  the fierce rebellion against the oppressors. After all it is what they tried to kill him for.

Facepalm

                       It is hard for me to write today the day after the day after the vote in WI is done. It should not be so hard but since I love to write about community lifting each other up and inclusiveness when I see a vote that to me symbolizes the turning our back on Women and children our future tossed out. Money from little men that toy and tinker with the world to make it suit them and their pockets to hell with everyone else and their right to education, health and equality: Even to hell with being able to stand up and say this is wrong. It makes it hard for me to write or feel like what I right matters.

                            I have never been particularly proud to be from WI, I admire things about it but pride was never part of that. I honestly have never wanted to live my whole life here a lot of my marriage I have been trying to convince my husband to move, thought that would have been easier since he is not from here. Last year was the first real pride I had in WI seeing hundreds of thousands of peaceful protesters standing up fighting for others. In my experience here that was a rare quality not helping one another but to publicly do so with drums and vigor. There is a lot of neighbor leaning on each other people quietly being kind to one another standing up for this person or that but this was different this was devotion to something bigger than the packers. The thing that makes even the most hardened line backer love being part of a that team with such devotion: being pored out into the community into real life being used for a purpose other then sport idles.

                            The narrative I wanted to hear was that people cared that women were being set back, that people saw education and those giving their lives for other peoples children in more than dollar signs, that jobs were not more important that the strip mines that are going to poison an environment that has been cared for and preserved carefully, that men not even from here that pored money into an election to line there pockets would be seen through and a criminal that pits a states people against each other to concur it would be seen as decisive leading people to remove him and find common ground to tread. (I know huge run on sentence.) Instead I feel like I got bitch slapped with the fact that if you take peoples unsettled fear and uncertainty in life and blame others as the cause you win there devotion for doing so. With general sweeping declarations and fascist actions can win the hearts of a people. It is hard to put a word such a Fascist on to a situation we are in with out seeing Hitler death camps around, or for thinking the person saying this is being dramatic. When you look at that started and what is going on now in our country and my state I can not help but draw the parallels. I think we do not learn from history because we separate it into parts. the war is told here, the camps and repercussions are told there, this is the political time here,   and  the real life of people here. In doing so we strip it of the value we rely on it for to teach us. Germany was ripe for the fascist that took over when they did it was an unsure economic time people had been breaking out of conventional thinking taking on more modern ways, So in swoops this group that plays on their virtues and called people "back" to fiscal responsibility and the way things should be the old ways that worked for people before us "traditional" thinking. Need to retrain the minds hire Joseph Gerbbels to "show and tell" them what the "real" news was Fox news as the Gerbbel propaganda of our day doing the same all Preying on peoples deep insecurities about this new life and that changes happening would not bring new developments and possibly improve their lives no it would lead them to destruction and humiliation. It does not sound that different to me than the tea party people and Walkers brown bag ads.

                               Being an optimist people often seem to think I do not see the world as it is,  to believe better things than I actually see rose colored glasses and all. I long to think that money can not buy every thing or everyone,  people do not what to be lied to by the pied piper or at least recognize the tune and the death it leads too, and  criminals get punished not elected. I know in my heart these things happen regularly but the blatant ones get caught right? I hate the part in the story when it looks like the good person is ground into the dust and there will be no rise to stop the bad. That darkness will not only win but dominate. I cringe at it as much as I hate the sap ending the wraps it all up neat and clean it is so much worse when the bad guy is standing victorious. but I suppose either side of that is an extreme in life. But it how I feel right now. Life will balance out and the world will right it's self right? I suppose that is what the German people who resisted thought as they saw the rising Nazi culture too. (Que the Darth Vador music don don don don da don)

                        

I was not going to but...

Ok I am from WI and can not not say something about this historic recall going on. I have been waiting for this day since the teachers and public workers froze their butts off in Madison last year, or in front of palm trees depending if you watch Fox news or not. I was an independent for 5 years before all this happened in my state but can not be any longer. The way Scott Walker has played on people and torn our state apart is unconscionable. Wi is a pretty laid back state for the most part. People are good people. To have this burst out in such a way like this makes my heart break, and having a Governor who in his own words divided us intentionally. Shame on you sir. SHAME! It is no secret to who I am for, I am for the people of WI no people should be divided and concurred by an official who is supposed to be serving their best interests. More of the issues bother me and I could talk at length about then but am not going to because none is as important as this is. This is what democracy looks like! Recall WI!!!!!!!

I'm right and you are stupid

              When did we stop listening to each other? I get the people getting paid to sling mud being this way but as humans one person to another when did another opinion become a threat? Are we so insecure in what we think that we can not allow for others to have their own thoughts. This is just not in political arguments it is in all discussions if you can call them that. Listening to others can expand our own world, most of us are trapped in a very small world view, other people have other experiences that we do not.

            People wonder all the time why more people vote for Dancing with the Stars than give a crap about things that actually impact their lives. I think it is this kind of talk that is driving people to focus on the trivial. People are rabid about their ideas and even if someone is a little interested in something they get blasted as soon as they ask or look into it with negativity and hostility, they then just check out again.  We take our selves way to seriously, we are more than our opinions as humans. It is not a bad thing to evaluate our ideas from time to time. If they are worth keeping they will make it if they are not we should have the courage and humility to  admit it and move on.

                                              Is being right worth loosing relationship over or berating a person for? When did a need to be right become more important than another person? I am not saying we should not have an opinion or state said opinion in fact I think it necessary. However I am not willing to let that be all that matters.

even if you shake

Ugh I fell like I write this all the time. I get so down on my self when I can't find anything interesting to write about. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer when the world rears up an gut checks me I loose all perspective. I for get each of us has a view that is like no other my view is my own and sharing it helps me sort it but also allows others to share their views and perspective widening my own giving me a better view than my navel I have been pondering with the limited view life gives. I may not shatter the earth with my brilliance/ quirky voice but I will at least speak.

I was listening to a poet today called Sarah Kay her ted talk, at the end she recited her poem and in it she was talking about Hiroshima and the blast burning the rocks and evaporating the people in the blast and the rocks being burnt except where the people had shielded it with there bodies leaving a white mark of their out line, a positive image. I want that, not to be vaporized but to leave a positive mark. it does not have to be big it can just be an out line but I want when the world finally vaporizes me for the mark that is left is of where I blocked the darkness. for some part to remain where the darkness of life can not take over that because I was here because I spoke because I had the courage to be who I was made to be.

God that sounds good, right? Sounds like someone so full of optimism you would think the world never touched them with darkness that light just free flows from their eyes and finger tips rather than the anxiety laden person who doesn't have the patience to wait for the page to load so she plays a game while she does everything person actually writing this. But is the truth of how I feel inside, no matter how much soul crushing radiative ash making crap life brings this is all I have. Don't get me wrong I have some very good things in my life I would not give up the relationships experiences and things that have formed me into this neurotic women I am, but all I own in my life is that. I can own my voice I can own the time I place into loving well. I may not be the most brilliant my words may be spoken better by others but the uniqueness that is me can not. SO I am going to stand on the words of a person I forgot who they were but not what they said that said speak even if your voice shakes in the hopes that someday even if they can not name me my words will bring that kind of courage to someone else.

Talking Russian Monkey

                                               I was thinking today about the messages we receive. The cold war with Russia has been over for decades hell the country that was the embodiment of every villain I grew up with as a child of the US does not even exist any more. Yet most times in my dream when there is a villain or someone to be suspicious of they have a heavy Russian accent. The messages of  childhood implanted so deep in my brain that more years of my life have past since I heard those message but still happened when the monkey tells me to do something in my dream with a thick Russian accent I stop and think there is something wrong going on here: Not just because it is a talking monkey that never entered into it it was the accent that tipped me to the problem. Made me wonder about all the messages we receive I have not met many Russian people but the ones I have have been wonderful.  If I think about it the Borg freak me out so much more than any people on Earth ever could, Do the actions of a few people or their leaders have the right to dictate how we see a people as a whole? There should be no reason this reaction still plagues my dreams. I think this is something to think about. Even if talking monkeys and the Borg seem more fun to think about.

                                       

                                         These things in movies and on TV did not seem a big deal to me then and honestly till I could not shake the Russian monkey today I had not thought much about it it just was what it seemed part of what was happening in the world right they were just being topical, relevant. Weren't they? Maybe but how much was true and how much was fear and propaganda? Are the people we having conflict with really as we see them or does our conflict by it's nature distort our view of things. Where anything they do is filtered through the our pain and defenses. Bring this down to a personal level out of the realm of nations if Mo and I bump into each other and our relationship is fine then no big deal but if mo and I bump into each other and we had just had a fight or are having a strain in some way on our relationship real or imagined then there are motives attached to it and I am going to give her a piece of my mind and the heads and fingers start to wag. right? both are the same action but the feel of it is different for us. I would say that I think of that feeling that motive is the same thing as war propaganda put out by other nations. someone move in or upgrades there shoes (or weapons) next to us and if we are ok with them we are like OMG I love your shoes can I get a closer look? BUT if we are not ok with them we are like OMG did you see those shoes really you think you can pull them off. who do you think you are? our own personal propaganda. Take a step back they are just a nice pair of shoes no more no less in the other example it is just a bump no more no less.

                                              Rather than taking a situation for what it is we make it more than it has to be. rather than asking if everything is ok and having some hard conversations with people we accuse and build our propaganda against them. I can say I am not above doing this I have had a hard time learning this to slow down and ask more questions not thinking I know what is going on all the time. This does not mean every situation is going to be great or easy but it does let you into the other persons point of view and can lead to better understanding of each other and a deeper relationship. I can't say I have mastered this or anything but I am working on this not easy change for me to make I come from a long line of propaganda makers but I am working on it.

The trench

                               Why is change so friggin hard you think in a world full of flux we would all be so used to it it would seem weird without it. Sigh but it is not that way. I had a friend describe changing habits this way the other day. "we all have ruts in our brains deep ways we do everything in our lives. as we try to change those we are digging new ones it is easy to slip back into the old ones." I like a loath that idea: it describes how uncomfortable we feel while making the changes but also leaves us in a pit once in a while. this oddly has given me new motivation. As the idea of being confined in a trench in my mind is not appealing to me. not many pleasant things happen in a pit or trenches for that matter.

                               Change is a part of who we are or should be. I love the commercial with the grown man with the bike helmet on on one of those push scooters saying these streets are all I have ever known.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnCSY8YHDEA
It cracks me up because what if we all had chosen to stay there? With every new thing we do there is risk but the risk of being a 40 year old living like that guy is so much greater. We would miss out on so much of life if we let it.

The Others

           I have been thinking this morning about a challenge a friend of mine made to me to think of  the 10 things that are most important to me. with all the things going in politics here in WI and around our country I am thinking of Arizona and North Carolina as I write this One jumps to mind I wanted to share here. I have been noticing it all day in looking at the propaganda posts of all sides the cartoons and "news" posts is that the old ways are still effective. Making some one other than us makes them distant and then we can cast all our fear and negativity on them. It is dangerous in my mind to do so all propaganda has started this way all hate lives here. When someone is unlike us we distrust them because after all if they had the same information as us they would believe as we do, and if they do have the same information they must be stupid or evil wanting destruction of us all.

                 Look at the stereo types placed in cultures The Indians wanted to kill us, the Micks were rats taking over. IN our own day look what is said about people that are Arab, Black, or of Hispanic decent in the name of saving our people / protecting our borders or gay marriage. They are going to bring the destruction of us all. We will live in jejad, and the Mexicans are going to over run us, and the gays will bring about the down fall of marriage. The call for this is is that they are other than us they are not like us, their values are different so they are flawed. This has all been said before Russians in the cold war, the Irish in the turn of the century were going to over run our nation The end of slavery and Jim crow laws were going to bring down our economy and letting couples from other faiths or races marry was going to bring down the institution it self.

                               If the border thing is so true why is it always the southern border we worry about I am closer to the Canadian border both our our allies there are as many Canadian people here illegally as any other.  No one disparages the  pick up hockey team from there, or the very polite people at the coffee shop, But the very polite people buy salsa are so different? The equality of all people in our nation has done so much to enrich our lives as a people so many people from other cultures have added to us as a people not taken away.

         Couples inter marry with other religions and races (my self being one) and very live happy lives. This was not so in just the generation before us. Hundreds of thousands of Arab people live in our country and want it to do well for their children and them selves because it is their land too. That actions of a few horrible people should not taint our view of all people. Most serial killers have been white do other people need to worry that we will go all Dexter on them?
              The moment we make someone different from our selves an "other" it makes it ok to do things say things we could not do when we see them as our selves as valuable. It allows fear to rule us, fear makes a poor ruler. If someone is valuable even if they are different from us, if not only that but they can offer us a wider view of the world then we hold in our singular look at it. Giving perspective and wisdom to us that other wise would be lost showing things we would not want to see or would gloss over, makes us stronger. It takes hate out of it. How can you hate someone like you how can you hate one of us. Hate never rings perspective never brings growth it keeps one trapped. I listened to a TEd talk the other day about being wrong and the one thing that stood out to me in it is that being wrong has no feeling it feels very much like being right, till we are proven wrong. If all we do is hang out with those like us there is so much we could be wrong about and never know. I am a firm believer Love wins every time Love is stronger than hate. In Love for others there is not room for making someone other than your self they are like you human. Love can cast out fear, there is no reasoning with fear and hate. It does not make us free it enslaves us limits who are as a people: makes who we will be smaller then who we could be. Both as a nation a people and human-beings.

Flying death monkeys

                                   Bees are like beans we all know we need them one to pollinate flowers the other to unclutter our insides. But one is a flying death and the other causes moments we all rather would not have. I do not how ever hold the same hate for beans that I hold for bees. Beans can improved in flavor by spices and other things, Bees can not. People always say we can learn so much from bees  they are hard workers well organized. But there other lessons To learn too.
     
                            Bees have a life span of about 1 year but physiologically they could live 5 to 6 years. They work them selves to death they limit their intake to only what is necessary when leaving to get pollen. I am not advocating for gluttony or laziness, just taking care of our selves. Rather than just suffering with hunger in some attempt to loose weight rather find a healthy thing have, moderation in all things but constantly depriving your self is not good. I am not talking about eating healthy and doing what is good for your body I am talking about waiting just a little longer than you have to to eat or drink something not just once in a while but regularly. some would call this disciplined others self control. this last week I have been looking at how I treat my self I have strive to be kind  loving others and compassionate this how ever I have not applied to my self.

                                  In the bible there is a quote that says love your neighbor as you love your self. The traditional view of this is that we treat our selves so well and others so poor. How ever it is clear to me no one is harder on us than us. Even to deep down meanest of us is harder on them selves. We beat our selves and starve our selves from things that are good for us things we need to live. Why would we not be kind to our selves treat our selves as we would treat our best friend or an honored guest. Why does that feel selfish to respect our selves. I have no answers in this I am struggling to find it my self. I guess it calls me back to  the tattoo I got a few years ago it says learning to live loved. that has meant many things over time. but learning to actually implementing it for my self has been spotty at best. I think it is something that we need to do for our selves so that we can treat others as we treat our selves or will be doing disservice to both.

The thief

Wanted for theft the subject shown is crafty and adept at thievery. Her specialty is Socks however she does branch out into kitchen towels she also has been known to dabble in tissue box emptying.

 If you find her approach carefully the subject is known to evade being taken into custody by licking and snuggling till you are neutralized. the subject answers to the name of Lucy, or Lu. 

I had to give props to my Lu for all her efforts I found so many socks in the couch today I am surprised we have any left. In fact it has been so nice out there have been no socks latly I found about 3 kitchen towels too. Honestly I know she does it but have yet to catch the crafty girl in the act.

Paradox

I am still so distracted about the trip next year I put pictures every where on the computer it is my cover picture my screen saver my wall paper. I have gone southern mad. I am not sure what it is about the south I loved visiting there as a child the glossed over history and the dark underbelly, beautiful flowers plants air plants that add mystique, old plantations beautiful and sad with history of oppression, The beaches and wildlife, the iron work and just how different it feels from here. I love it! I am so excited to get to go there and see a house that belonged to an 3 or 4 time great grandfather of mine. Tom has been wanting to take me there since we found out the place existed. I was not sure I wanted to be do really want to see it see where they walked see where they lived what they were like.

                    It is weird to think of them being slave owners and doing horrible things that went with that. Finding my family history has been both very fun and not so much all at the same time because of finding people like that in my past where their lives were fascinating yet they were not people of great moral values. May be more a product of their times but it still feels wrong to a person who believes in freedom and honoring and respecting others so much. This will be the first time I have been back down south since I have known about this I wonder if it will change my view. AS a child the drama of gone with the wind filled my head with the dreams of a different time. I did a hell of Scarlet impression, my mom loved it got me out of a lot of tuff spots. But as I grew older and learned the history I was so embarrassed of how much I loved it. There is so much good about the south not just the food but that is high on the list. the music and richness lives there Alligators and dolphins. so much history and so much new that is good too. I don't know if I will ever get over my love of the south but I am in good company so many artists and musicians never have either. There was a part of the book I was reading with my book club that talked about paradox and how that is where interest lives spark of life, I think the south is that for me. So much beauty so much darkness so much life so many ghost tours. (Hee hee hee ) I am excited to see how I see this word as an adult and see it for the first time in my husbands eyes.

wonderlust engage.

                                The art of Whimsy and spontaneity is lost I think in many ways. I find it one of most important things we can hold. It keeps us young it keeps us from being crushed by life. The ability to be dumb and loud and silly is the most important thing we loose as we age. Seriousness of life can drowns it out from our lives. As I planned a trip yesterday with my husband and we wrote our dreams for this time away, we both struggled to actually hope we could do all the things we wanted to do to find something that fit us and was what we wanted not what we thought we needed. I can think of few of our trips that have been just what we wanted out of it we make considerations here and changes there to accommodating both each other and our budgets needs. Some times it is what we wanted some times it is what we settled for. I have never been so excited about a trip in years I can not stop thinking about it I want so badly to be go now all ready and packed.

                       I never had thought about our trip this way before. I think this has relaunched my love of travel that had been sucked dry by the utilitarian ways in witch we have traveled in the last maybe more than 10 years. I feel like a kid excited about Christmas coming the day after it came for the next year. I am going to be working very hard this year to be ready, seams so silly to me that this is going to be be the thing that motivates me to make so many of the changes I want to make. I think it is that finding a piece of us that has been gone too long the couple that woke up one night years ago and just took off for the week not even knowing where we were going. We had so much fun I forgot we were still there. I loved finding them again even if they are a little smarter and planned to have money for gas and food when they go. But I can not wait to travel with them again!

Only I could...

So I decided today to write a blog about a practice I have started since some friends of mine and I started doing a book club about this one book Practical Genius, love the book read it if you can. In this book one of the challenges in it is to take in beauty every day really soak it in. like going to a museum and find one piece of art that calls to us and feel it write down your thoughts about it this could also be done with great literature read something beautiful really soak it in not just read and go on. So I started doing this but had not written down my thoughts about it so I figured if I am going to do this I want to share them with people and have them share with me. Kind of a I'll show you mine if you show me your kindda feel to it. so I did I looked up a very famous museum been in movies and everything  and looked through found the piece and wrote down my thought really one by one wrote them out I am figgin odd ball because I came to the conclusion in my head that this beautiful statue was the birth place for sci-fi and the modern block buster alien invasion movie. really I did (shakes head), only I could take a statue of Nike and make it Super 8 movie, or Battle Star Galactica.  here it is if you would like to read it. http://platypus-takes-in-beauty.blogspot.com/