Imploding

                                   Once again this week I was faced with my need for people to like me, not just that but approve of me and feel included. One of the things I love most about my husband is his wicked sense of humor, his impish way or needing to go wild once in a while. I adore this and encourage it, keeps me on my toes and challenges me to stay witty or at least looking at the world a little more off beat. However there are times I truly would implode if I could when he burst forth and to his delight (and also the delight of most of our friends) bursts forth with jerkdom of the best meaning whimsy. I would like to curl into my elf and implode little a sci-fy imp just a folding in with a little flash of light then gone. There is a delight in the making people uncomfortable that escapes me.

                                 I hate that need to feel accepted all the time, not just me but I need everyone in the group to feel included and excepted. It is a sickness, really even people that I do not know I do not want them to feel left out or pushed off in anyway. I know there are times I have done this and just horrified m self as words left my lips meaning to be casual and welcoming but outside my head just go all bitchy and wrong. Ugh. communication is hard enough without having to worry all the time about if everyone is ok or not. I feel like a dork holding up a "Like me, please" sign all the time. I think Facebook was made by people like this. It's exhausting! Why is there this need to be accepted so much?, Really? Who cares what someone you just met thinks of you? and if they are included: I do, I desperately do. It's an illness, I swear it is. In Grade School there was my birthday party, I had wanted everyone to feel included so I invited every girl in class to my house, making it 5th grade girl hell. I remember sitting upstairs crying up set as the divisions a girl meanness only tween and teen girls can have wondering how wanting everyone to feel welcome had gone so wrong.

                                  I'm at a loss for how to be rid of this. I know it is a long standing  problem for me, in some ways I have made strides, I speak my mind more even if I think it will upset others. In those cases I have tried to be very careful but still be true to myself rather than just being silent because it is easier. Conflict is not easy for me, it is hard for me not to just loose myself so that someone else can feel ok. I had done that a lot of my life standing up for myself, it has been a hard road but for one I am glad I went down. I have felt better since. I am unsure how to free myself from caring so much what other think. I know it's partly my nature as someone who naturally encourages others but I think there is a healthy and unhealthy thing to it too. Just like standing up for yourself; there is the healthy way to say "I love you" or care about you but I can not be in relationship with you while you treat me this way. But, What is the healthy way to step back from caring what others think? I still feel bad with the healthy boundaries I have had to set because I know how hurt people can be because they can not understand your need for it. I do not know what it feels like, but I'm needing to find out.