Moving

In my quest to write I have decided to move to word press sight. I have some new posts there and thought I would invite those who read me here to join me there. so here I am The new blog is called Platypus pondering here is the link:   http://platypuspondering.wordpress.com/

Viva

                               I always had the dream of being an Artist a mad wild hippy woman that had three kids wild and free with names that matched the land and spirits that soared and inspired others to ride the wind and live with gusto. My soul mate would be wild and free, fun and passionate, sportive and encouraging: We would be in love but never have to have to have it on paper never tied down or anchored to anything but attached willingly to some. I would constantly be covered in clay and ink from my projects. We would live in distant lands: simply, but well. The art of life would eb and flow and it would be good. The writing always done by hand never on something  that so bastardized it like a computer, at the very least a type writer. I would  make prints on linen and canvas sculpt in clay and rock built things that moved and inspired, The artist life full of color and simple grandeur. 

                                  I got a few of those things I dreamed of the important ones. I want to think some may still come. I find it funny still that the girl that was going to be so wild and free has been married so long. although it does not feel unfree, it feels more so free in many ways. I miss this girl in the last few years I have been refinding her. I know I feel like I write this often but it is true. I forgot for years about the poems and stories I used to write with a friend and how much I loved it.I was only remembering how much people told me not to do it because of my dyslexia. I could get lost and loved getting lost in two things and that is still true to this day I get lost in writing and Creating art. I love it, I feel the most alive when I do these things. With all the cuts from the broken glass never really bothers me I long for the feel of clay dried and carved wet and pliable molded with my hands twisted into works that mark the heart.

                                I found it funny when I looked at my Myers Brigs personality thing it was so right on the edge of two of the things for the most part I am a ISFP- Introverted Sensing Feeling  Perceiving, I am so strong to the right on all this it is like the classic person for this type, but in the S one I am so close to the middle I could be an N iNtuitive. I sit on the balance of this witch is funny because the one INFP personality is known as the artist, and the other ISPF is known for never loosing their wonder and writing. The two thing I most wanted to do was to write and create.

                              Not even for anyone else just for me. To know that no one else did this just me. I our world it is increasingly hard to find things that have not been done. Everyone wants the cookie cutter the polished perfect thing. I get uncomfortable with too much polish on things on people give me something with some personality with some dents with something other than the norm. I once told my husband if I ever fall into that life with the standard house and the car that looks like everyone else and the  white walls of life medicate of kill me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ridovIfoWdA It's like putting fireflies in a jar, yeah they glow but not as bright and it kills them, I just can't do it. I need color I need different, it is telling to me that the first thing I bought with my very first paycheck was a one of a kind watch from an artist in a little shop in town. I had never seen anything like it.

                                        I still dream of this life and add more of it to my own life now, I hope some day in those far flung places I will find us old and wrinkled and oh so happy. Life is too short be who you are ment to be stop trying to be what everyone else says you should be.

Leting my Geek flag fly!

                   In my ongoing struggle to stop people please I am admitting my geek tendencies. I lean to the geek side more often than not. After years of geek denial I have come to this with sad recognition I have missed out on geek pride after being a closeted geek for so many years. There were other factors being the youngest child with little hand eye coordination leads to watching your sibling play games with your dad and totally missing out on the the joy of video gamer brother hood. Also being late to the computer coolness/ possible tone o' money maker and use. Sigh, the wasted years in hiding my love of Sci-FY for years I missed so so many awesome movies and TV shows, the one liners, I could have been disappointed they were canceled so much earlier than I found them on Netflix, IE. Pushing Daisies and Firefly. (sniffle) I am grieving to much to talk about that. I never had the brains or more the will to study till it got cool and you could blow stuff  up for a living with science or Math: However the Scie-Fy lore and nerd culture I am down with.

the horror

                 This lack of Video gamer love and tech things has me wondering: Can one be a geek with out a huge obsession with technology, comic books, and video games? I was looking up Comi-con because for years I have seen pictures of all my geek heroes there so There I must go. As I was looking yesterday for a possible trip to the 2014 venue just a little dreaming/ planing I noticed all the people were mostly comic book people, them it hit me. Comic- con, NOOOOOOO!!!! had my dreams been dashed? I am not apposed to comics in them selves but am at a loss as two where to start. Does not reading this make me less Geek than I think. For years the lack of video game love has kept me from letting my geek flag fly. Was I now not ineligible for the holy grail of trips?

Sigh.... Captain; oh my Captain.

           I admit my geekness is unique to me I love off beat English humor, steam punk (Yes! love the fashion but have to think of it as western to watch), most supernatural things (but not all I don't like Zombies they freak me out unless it is funny but love Wear wolves and vampires but hate Twilight). I read but not a lot, I get most of the jokes on Big Bang Theory (but not all), I know what Dolphins sing and whales think when they fall from the sky, and get a kick out of dressing up and going out in public with friends for no particular reason (I do think this more hipster than geek). Occasionally I will bust out laughing at things or make jokes or show "funny" videos when hanging out with my non geek friends that result in silence staring while crickets chirping. And I will say this for now and for ever Nathan Fillion will always be my Captain, even though Castle is awesome.

           UGh or is this whole thing about my need for approval and and wanting to find a group that I "fit" in.

          Sigh I guess this too must be yet another thing I am a Platypus in fitting and not fit in all at the same time.

We're up Oak Creek

                     I wanted to write about this yesterday but had to take time to gather my thoughts they were so scattered. The first thing I heard actual news wise about the Oak creek shootings in WI was the interview with policeman saying he had put the guy down that had entered shot 6 people including an officer. I had just got done talking to my husband about oh crap he shot a cop that guy is not making it out a live we will never know why this deranged man did this. Not that anyone can wrap their mind around hate, ignorance and plan crazy that goes into something like that. It urked me at the term 'put down', I know, bad reaction to a way of looking at this. It was so big I could not wrap my head around this happening hours away from me. I heard my friend through Facebook wondering if her brother was in the fire fight and worrying he was the one shot. The interviews started to come out the wailing people and horror of it all crept into my brain. Of being an officer walking into that situation and the families knowing they do. I have thought of that before since my brother in-law is an officer, but I had a weird video game image of walking into the smoke of gun fire and hearing people calling fear pumping because it could be any person there you don't know who the shooter is. Over whelmed but the images of the families waiting for their loved ones and the crying I had to turn it off. It was too much to process for a slow processor like me.

                       It was not till the next day I saw his hateful picture with the Nazi symbol  behind him with vampire teeth on his guitar strap and the new of his hate music being popular made me ill. I am not violent but I was so glad at that moment the officers had done what they had. I was appalled that I could feel the anger I did that a white supremacist was still around and had done such a horrible thing. I pride my self in not judging others and trying to understand but there was no understanding here I was mad and glad he was dead. Then I saw the glaring truth or hate is hate breads more of the same, but my heart knew the second it saw the symbol I hated this man and was ok with that even as in my head I was not. Then I started to hear the explanations from the media of the difference between Sikhs and Muslims as if killing Muslims in hateful rage was ok but to confuse them with others was not.  And knowing that difference would make you not shoot oh lets see.... um let me think.. any of them. Really we are going to debate if he possibly confused one people for another in error like it makes it ok? What does that say to our Muslim neighbors facing this kind of ignorance that we could possibly be ok if he had shot the "right" minority.

not that I am saying it's just fox

                          I have to say this kind of talk I hear  from news people where the fire of hatred are stoked with a wink and smile with a morning zoo crew grin, it bothers me. there has been a tapping into fear and stoking that hate and dissatisfaction of doing something about all this insecurity they are building in certain people done by them that should be held to account. The weak minded and prone to violent people hear these messages too about the Mexicans taking advantage of us and our systems and the Muslims trying to take over with Sharia law and make us all were burkas and do the hokey pokey or what ever the message is from the latest fear monger. They see nothing being done about a threat made up to keep people on edge so they can easily take rights or make questionable policies based on race. Without being called a bigot. so these unstable people besides in ignorance to "do something about it." and wham everyone is shocked that in a land where the discourse between the top running presidential candidates could be at best described as infantile some idiot takes it upon him self to take out "unwanted" people. Words are powerful thoughts have a strength that does not go away when is someone going to hold this stoking of unrest and fear of those not like us accountable for the actions brought by it.

                               Then we wait to see if the "christian" they choose to voice will come out on the side of they are attacking our religion and right to worship or it is God's judgment for us: abortion, gay rights, or parking closer to the store when we could walk if want to leaving the places for those who need it. This bothers me so much, I am a follower of Jesus believe it or not. (I am not going to debate if I am christian enough with you in the comments so save your breath) SO this what God is doing these days? Guess he missed the whole punishing those for genocide, war crimes, sex trade, letting people starve so we can make a profit, and raping of women as a weapon of war, but these things is what he is cracking down on now. Wow really I have to say this you do not speak for me! Stop giving these dicks a microphone and a platform to speak on they do not represent Christ or those that follow him.

                             And now we start the talk about guns and how they do not shoot people and it being disrespectful to the victims to talk about guns so close to the incident. "Only people who follow laws will follow the law so if we regulate the automatic bad ass gun it will just leave them in the hands of the criminals". Followed by the please of people just to talk about it, followed by a "do you want the government to run over you? when our founding fathers had their muskets...." sigh,  the same talk you don't even have to have the actual conversation any more it drones on,  hit repeat and repeat as more psycho men gun down good people. All bought legally within days of the event. Since our Founding Fathers did not have bombs and tanks to worry about... they are regulated. I am fairly sure talking about this will be ok and actually having a new actual conversation not trying to make shocking statement that slam prove your point and your done out of here unproductive chatter we have been seeing.

All this goes on while the victims sit an suffer.  My heart goes out to them, those who lived the shooting and their families seeming to be forgotten in all this those that follow their belief and are now living in fear of hate taking them out. You are not forgotten. To the Muslims in the US it would not have been ok if it had been you. We need to start holding those using this fear for their gain in our government accountable. We should be holding the new corporations accountable for the dumb way they cover this kind of thing and we should be reaching out in love to those around us. You can't educate hate like if a Nazi guy understands the difference between the two religions it makes any difference, No, it is his hate of others that is the issue. I think until this changes we will see more of this unbalanced hate needing a target and innocent people paying the price. We must be better than this. America, we must stop this decent in thought we have been going on we must speak up, we must learn about and embrace our neighbors so that they do not live in fear but know acceptance and we all can gain from each other rather than missing out on who we could be. Lets be the nation we once were. Holding those ideals true for all in our nation not just the few the while the like us. Lets live what that document every bigot in America is hold up as a shield and Let All Men Be Treated As Equals.

 I leave you with the words of the pastor's son and wife as interviewed by Anderson Cooper.
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/07/anderson-cooper-wisconsin-sikh-temple_n_1751874.html?utm_hp_ref=media

Curiosity

            Ok so how is the world not jumping up and down that we landed on Mars. It's Mars! Really people? Get all geeked out over the moon and the red planet gets no love. I honestly had not even heard they were launching something to go there. Had anyone else? Am I alone in my ignorance? It's not like I check NASA's status everyday to find out what is new in space. I generally just enjoy the stars and the moon.  How cool is it we have a robot on Mars. I have visons of Marvin the Martian and other aliens dancing in my head. but there so far are rocks. sigh, that will have to do for now I guess.

           With the way things go in Sci-FY movies not sure why people would be so excited to meet the aliens and other life forms: with all the butt probing and psycho death war mongering types represented in films. I read a quote from a scientist (I can't remember the name of ) when asked about ET he said "If it is true it is the only time and best example of a secret government has been able to keep.". He makes a good point. I am not sure I believe in ET but I do think it would be cool if there was. Can you imagine? How cool would it be to meet ET for real hiding behind your stuffed animal pile. I may be watching to much Sci-FY, but this is where my mind drifted as I dreamed about being on mars. it all stopped with the image of the guys head exploding as he was pushed into mars' atmosphere, forget the name of that one had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.

                I know it takes a lot of money to do go to Mars and I am even surprised by myself as I honestly love we are still pushing back into discovery. In a world where so much is known, we are still hungry and pushing to know more. Dream on scientist, push back against the tide of Jersey Shore wannabe's and the culture fighting for the bottom of the Heap. Lift up more than body or coolness. Did anyone else see the guy with the Mohawk? That is the Flight Director, Babak Ferdowski. How cool is that? Still rocking personal style and personality but awesome at his job and rock star smart. Why is it the dumb getting lifted up in our culture? Frustrates me. we have smart young people thinking all they are is a body and the dumber the better. Don't we want more for them? Don't we want well rounded people that can think of themselves in more than one term or in more than one set of circumstances? WE are so much a product of what we have been told we are, tell a young person they can't and the majority of them will not.

                   I was listening to a story the other day of a runner from South Africa Oscar Pistorius, was born without fibulas and grew up without anyone setting limits on him he competed in normal sport. Was so good a coach picked him up and he ended up in the paralympics, he was so good there he is now and Olympian competing this week in London. He had to fight with the board and have experts testified that his prosthetic was not an unfair advantage. That's how good he is. What could the young people in your life do if you encouraged them?

Every four years

On Guard!

          I am a geek, yes you know this by now but it's true. I am a total Olympics geek. I love it all Fencing to white water rafting Yes sign me up to watch. It is the weirdest thing ever four years I end up glued to the tv loosing sleep because I have to know how the Fencing team did. I would never watch most of this at any other time. Once ever 4 years I am an expert wondering why the judges gave a break to the Chines diver they obviously had a bigger splash than Mexico did are they blind. Hate the Chines drivers so smug, bastards.

Holy crap!

          I am not sure where this started when I was young I would watch and try to do the gymnastic things in the basement leading to sprains and broken things (the uncoordinated should not try graceful things), Working at a expensive private school during the summer that brought in former pro tennis people to teach tennis while watching the Olympics with them was very cool (ok that was a highlight for me.)  Having a friend that almost went was also cool, there are so many memories of this that just make it awesome. Then there was the awesomeness for an adventuring girl or wanna be adventurer to know the whole world was watching. Awesome!

SAnka training.

                    Years later when I married a man from another country I found out that last part not so much true. The never watched the Olympics in Mexico and if not there where else were they not watching was Cool Runnings even true? This was earth shattering, I have changed this for my hubby anyway and changed him into a nut like me. He actually maybe more so he knows all the names and that.

Dive! Dive!

                                             I love the struggle the blow out games the guy that had never rowed before a few months ago that came and finished his first race. YES! Bring it all. I am annoyed this year by NBC's editing of the games really dude this is not some lamo reality show this is fine the way it is. Yesterday it was obvious when Mexico fell out of the diving metal running and they stopped showing them, we still want to see the competition, And there are more than 4 guys diving right? What's with leaving out the tribute to the people that died in the bombing in London. Really you think us so self serving and self centered we do not care. It is the TV equivalent to the ugly American traveler that insults everything and only eats and drinks only coke, and spray cheese on crackers when they go to France or Italy. Then there is the news people with the spoilers tell who won what before they show the game/ match or what ever it is called. Has the modern succubi or our culture finally gotten so bad it has wrecked the Olympics? Kinda yeah, I hate to say it but it has for me a bit I still watch but knowing who wins kinda takes the edge out of the race or the competition.

Stop Glaring at me I didn't call you old!

                                          The there is the adds ok I might buy the Subway commercial but I am so not buying that any of these elite athletes ate McDonald's food ever.  Why is it some of the most unhealthy stuff ever tries to attach it self to a very healthy thing. Am I just getting old that these things are bothering me now? Is it youth that brings so much of the magic of the games? MAybe, I like the dream of it the with good people working hard living right being silly in videos: yes, love that. However I do not need to know one of the swimmers on the team likes one night stands vs. relationships. I guess in the world of instant info that is what allows me to know / over know all of this is both fun blessing and I never needed to know the STD of that person all at the same time. It is not the Bachelor If you start giving me the hook up report I am done, really that is not what this is about. One last thing what is with the lack of quality of the reporters? Calling Phelps Old after the gold relay, or just lack of professionalism. Seriously repeating them selves because it seems to me like they do not know what they are talking about or they are rereading the prompter this has happened 7 times since I started counting it. Our crap new reporters reporting has now wrecked the Olympics. They used to have people that were actually in the sport that knew what was what, now they are all trying to be the morning zoo crew and loosing the whole meaning. Not everything has to be a punch line, also a call from Justin Beber is not the end all top call you can get. It is still better to get a call from the president maybe read a book report spreader of information.

Dig! Dig!

                          Sigh, Maybe beach volley ball or track Cycling will sooth me. Whisking me back to the days when my sister and I put holes in the ceiling fencing. I do think this acting out what is happening on the screen made it more fun. The other night at the gym when I went with my Hubby while we were lifting weights and walk/ running on the tread mill it was so much more fun to watch with no sound. Maybe the child in me just wants to sprain her ankle again with the joy of winning gold while doing it. Watching the flag rise while you ice your foot, good times good times. Medal on Mike medal on!

In search of....

            I went to my 20th reunion this weekend, I never thought I would. High School was such a hard time for me I never thought I would want to go back. In the last few years I have been struggling to heal my self from the inside out. Plus the extra weight I still carry from when I was so sick, not that I do not know it saved me but the fear of judgment. ugh. I have been struggling  letting go of the negative and taking a new road positivity. I can not say I am great at this, I am not. However I am trying, it has cost me a lot but I have gained so much more. Honestly if I had not I am not sure I would still be here at all the crushingness of it was killing me. I found me, I found life, contentment, and strength I never knew I had so far. SO part of this new me is facing things that might be hard or painful taking their power away. So my Goal besides seeing people I have not seen in 20 years was to face this to see if my unhappiness with me and my life had tainted how I saw those days.

             SO I took my Rescue remedy and went (best thing ever!). The first day I was supposed to go with some people I know to a informal meet and greet at a bar down town. Here it was going into a bar where you are unsure you are going to recognize anyone let alone if you like each other or got along at all.. AAAAAAAAAAAA..... It was terrifying. No one was in the bar that looked our age. so fighting the urge to slam 2 tequila shots and leave I ordered one drink for me one for my hubby. And we ventured out to the porch and it was dark but bright so I could not see any faces like walking in to a spotlight I started to sweat from nerves, oh my God how am I going to recognize anyone? I got all the way to the end of the patio and still my eyes had not adjusted too well went one face started to looked like I might know her and she got up saying my name and giving me a huge hug. I felt my body sigh with relief. I looked around and one by one the names and faces clicked inside my head and as we sat it was an ease of conversation and not too uncomfortable silences, jokes and just a fun time made me so glad I could go. I left more free than when I went in it was a great night I knew I could do this! One down one to go. Bring it Bitches you can't take me down.

               The next morning at like 6 am I woke up with a splitting tension headache and defending how great I felt about the night before, seriously almost screaming mid sentence of no I had a great time as I woke up.  SO I broke out the rescue remedy and so Advil and Tom prayed for me and I did too. and the room actually felt lighter my head felt a little better and We went back to sleep and woke up fine. I think mostly it was a retraining my brain that caused this, taking back the people from the ick I felt growing up revising the broken girl that away felt unwanted and shoved aside and seeing how many people actually cared about her. Because they were all great dynamic people (seriously I am impressed with how cool my class is)  it was not them that made me miserable it was me and how I felt about that time tainting my view.  Wiping that taint off is no small task for queen of the awkward like me but it was starting to go.

                  Next comes dinner with a few people we opted out of  the awesome home town favorite pizza for the new Margarita place, best choice ever. There were a few of us and an a fiend that was there with her mother in-law, we had so much fun I think my hubby blushed all the way through dinner, which takes  a lot but prepped him for the night.

                 Then we met up with a friend and drove out because it was too much to think of going in alone. In the parking lot it was so odd to know everyone walking in, but my nerves were still shaky so I said a few quick hi's and before I could loose my never I went inside. Found my name tag and headed for the bar. it was very crowded and like hot and sticky with all the people in there shoulder to shoulder, plus my nerves were making me sweat. Name tag on I found some friends and started talking. and started to calm down. I ran into a few people and was still feeling awkward and unsure but then I found my groove and it was great. I taking with some people I had not known well in school but have gotten to know a little now and respect through facebook.  and the night went on like that I ran into person after person that I was so glad to talk too. A few awkward times of brain freeze but hey what fun would life be with out them. My husband made friends caused trouble with some random biker guys and was being a social butterfly he is by the end of the night. I found my self being the person that wants everyone to be included sitting back scanning the crowd looking for anyone not connecting or alone, but there was none. I had to stop my self from just sitting back and flouting in that peace enjoying seeing people connecting so well and feeling the love of it.The time was too short there were people I wanted to talk to so much more but the not liking  middle of a crowd with loudness thing was working against me, and I seriously just wanted to have coffee with everyone sit down a dish talk about life and laugh. But I am better one on one or small group of people I get over whelmed by the number of people I wanted to talk to other wise. SO after all my fear of shyness taking over me, the lack of shyness and over wanting to talk was the issue.

              I walked away making peace with my past me and refinding friends I never really lost and appreciating them all over again for who they are. So sad there were people I missed talking before the end, and joyfully finding people I missed talking to. I am not sure anyone will find this interesting or not but my brain would not let me sleep till it was typed out. If you have a reunion GO, be free from what ever is stopping you from wanting to see the best part of those days: the ones you laughed with, got in trouble with and just enjoyed the company of. Live free let nothing hold you down even if it is you or your sight of things being what is pinning you.

Flop sweat and sweat

the horror the is Jazzercise

  The time has come no more waiting in the back the horror of it all the painful twisting of muscle, being packed in like wriggling sardines still moving as the top of the can is sealed. Yes it is time to join the gym.. this anxiety build place for me this den of judgment and condemnation has again made it's way into my life. This is a good thing it is what I want but it is also scary for me having only had one good gym experience I am heavily relying on to make it through the door of this new one. This has been giving me nightmares for days thinking about this. Where perk tones bitches push there way through rooms of people to give me hurtful not helpful advice (yes this happens to me occasionally) or the Jazzercize nightmare of Psychedelic leotards that my Mom forced me to go to And last but not least Gym class with teachers that regularly taunted those not athletically inclined, cue memory of jerk wad Gym teacher being driving instructor making you do push ups in the middle of the street for hitting the curb parking in front of my boyfriends house both humiliation and the terror of being hit by a car. The horror associated with gyms and gym related people is huge! My nightmares differ occasionally on how I handle it some are rooms of people laughing at me some are the beat down of perky girl and my favorite the verbal smack down ending in her hopefully learning something (ok you got me I like the beat down too). 

I remember this at the Y when I was younger.
(Not her the equipment)

                                                  That said I have high hopes for the gym we are joining, like the one good experience with gyms that I have joined there are great things a pool good equipment people who help design a work out for you and the best part a movie theater with exercise equipment in it so no one can see me doing my thing, this is the best part for me. I loved the gym we joined years ago something about having people that would know if I did not go and the cheapness in me of not wanting to pay for something I did not use worked for me I went daily loved it so much made friends with some of the people who worked there and really would have continued to go had I not busted my knee up, got seriously ill and lost my job all in the same few months. This is the feeling I am hoping to build on supportive people not the knee busting out of workness. That is the plan hope it turns out that way for me and to the bin of judgment I am trying to be positive and not expect the worst.

                          For me I am ok with me I love my self where I am this took a long time a lot of effort and so much love from those in my life seriously I have the best people ever in my life. This is about being more active free to do the things I want to do. Healthier not stick figure or barbie perfect not that I think that is ever possible for me in the slightest. The me I am expecting to find under all this is a curvy girl with big hips big boobs and attitude. Yeah here's hoping I find here under here. Hello are ya there come out come out who ever you are.

When apples attack

                                          Sorry I have been away I cut my self you would think this is not such a big deal because it is just a thumb but when one types with 2 hands and forgets one has stitches it is painful. How did I do this? well in my quest for eating healthier I was making and apple peanut butter pita with agave when the apple attacked me I was as shocked as anyone. I was unaware of the sinister side of apples only have known them for their deliciousness and vitamins before, their blood thirsty nature was unknown to me before. thanks to our new super sharp knives the apple got a really good shot in after I realized I was not going to stop bleeding on my own I went to the clinic just down the road. as we got in the car to go the radio blared "you cut me me open and I keep bleeding keep keep bleeding..." I found this hilarious my hubby did not and thought I might be suffering shock or something as I laughed while I bleed next to him. So we get there and they take me back almost right away because really how often does one get attacked by an apple. They stitch me up 5 stitches on my thumb should have been 6. now you may think big whoop 5 stitches and 6 days later and your still complaining about it. remember thumbs are not that big  5 should of been 6 stitches takes you from next to the thumb to diagonally 2/3s of the way to the other side of the nail, that is a lot of the thumb.

                                So a few things I have noticed besides I space bar with my left thumb is that for a women to dress without using her thumbs is near impossible if she wishes in any way shape or form to where a bra not happening with out help. If you have a dog that loves you she will give you slobbery apple piece after she hunted it down and killed the offending fruit when you get home from the hospital. You will have to keep her from trying to devotedly help you heal your thumb even in your sleep and she tries to sneak up and just clean it up for ya while you rest. Also when one so hunting down a very fast black spider that ran down the wall right by your head before you were just about to go to sleep you will mistake your own stitches for said spider on your thumb at least 3 times possibly 4. There is a lot of time spent thinking about the Hollywood movies and tv shows that  show people stitching them selves up with just a wince and you thinking what frigging liars they are because you had only 3/4 numbing in your last 2 stitches and winced and while they were putting the numbing stuff on you kicked the table and sucked air. frigging Hollywood no one is tough enough to do that with out at least gritting their teeth. then you think wow I have seen way too many movies with those scenes in them. then then you go to you have seen to many movies in general. Then you think maybe just maybe movies and TV has screwed with your view of the world and how it works.. nah that's crazy: back to the list of this affected by a stabbed thumb...  One can not do dishes and dishes will take over the entire kitchen.  No one finds the keep bleeding being on the radio while you bleed is funny as you do and finally: NO one believes apples attacked you. Apples being fruity are mistaken for sweet and tasty but beware the apple waiting  to pounce. They made a movie about the harmless tomatoes when it is the apple you should be warned of.

Savannah on my mind.

             I know all 3 of you reading my blog are going to tire of hearing about this by March But I am loving the South these day re introducing my self with the lore and striving freedom of the oppressed and the warmth of the people and the free guide books to Savannah on Kindle. I love it all of it the movies good and bad the books and pictures.

            I remember when I was young we went down there and brought back some of the air plants and moss they died and lot their allure as soon as we got back to the snow. You have to have grand Live oaks with dripping Spanish moss on them for it to work properly. Come to think of it it may just be the oak tree Spanish moss thing I love so much part of it any way I seriously love the stuff the more drippy gray wispy stuff there is the more in love with the photo I am. The slow relaxed life is appealing too. Sigh I was made for it, except I would die in flames with the heat of it all. If that did not take me my head might explode and the number of bugs. But other than that it is fabulous! I know it can get touristy and be in horror with the forest Gump non existing bench being a horror for all but the romance of it is not lost on me. I have to say I find it funny that one of the reasons that we are going to this place is because My husband is so excited I am related to some one who owned a plantation down here. I was more reluctant because I do not think a brother of my great great great great grandfather is really a relative but I am excited to see the place any way.

           Savannah has me firmly in it's grip love the whole thing and want to move there now. Sigh that may never be but I love the idea of it. That maybe because I think it will be like the sugar baker girls in the show Designing Women, or may be fried green Tomatoes. Maybe We could snow bird there, oh and I promise not to ram any snot nose girls car. Pretty please, oh your right I am my mothers daughter I might ram their car.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXZs3mjGlQU . I loved that part in that movie OH it makes me think of my Mom every time I watch it or hear about it. The first thing is the name Mom always called it fried green Zucchinis because she loved them and could not fathom green tomatoes being good. Have you ever had a relative do something that ends up in a movie a few years after they did it? Yeah my mom tore down a wall in the house one day granted it was a half wall but while we at school and my Dad at work she just tore it down. It was awesome and kindda like mom tore down a wall while you did math today. Just the way Kathy bates played in the modern part of the story was was so like Mom. Sigh I miss her.

Imploding

                                   Once again this week I was faced with my need for people to like me, not just that but approve of me and feel included. One of the things I love most about my husband is his wicked sense of humor, his impish way or needing to go wild once in a while. I adore this and encourage it, keeps me on my toes and challenges me to stay witty or at least looking at the world a little more off beat. However there are times I truly would implode if I could when he burst forth and to his delight (and also the delight of most of our friends) bursts forth with jerkdom of the best meaning whimsy. I would like to curl into my elf and implode little a sci-fy imp just a folding in with a little flash of light then gone. There is a delight in the making people uncomfortable that escapes me.

                                 I hate that need to feel accepted all the time, not just me but I need everyone in the group to feel included and excepted. It is a sickness, really even people that I do not know I do not want them to feel left out or pushed off in anyway. I know there are times I have done this and just horrified m self as words left my lips meaning to be casual and welcoming but outside my head just go all bitchy and wrong. Ugh. communication is hard enough without having to worry all the time about if everyone is ok or not. I feel like a dork holding up a "Like me, please" sign all the time. I think Facebook was made by people like this. It's exhausting! Why is there this need to be accepted so much?, Really? Who cares what someone you just met thinks of you? and if they are included: I do, I desperately do. It's an illness, I swear it is. In Grade School there was my birthday party, I had wanted everyone to feel included so I invited every girl in class to my house, making it 5th grade girl hell. I remember sitting upstairs crying up set as the divisions a girl meanness only tween and teen girls can have wondering how wanting everyone to feel welcome had gone so wrong.

                                  I'm at a loss for how to be rid of this. I know it is a long standing  problem for me, in some ways I have made strides, I speak my mind more even if I think it will upset others. In those cases I have tried to be very careful but still be true to myself rather than just being silent because it is easier. Conflict is not easy for me, it is hard for me not to just loose myself so that someone else can feel ok. I had done that a lot of my life standing up for myself, it has been a hard road but for one I am glad I went down. I have felt better since. I am unsure how to free myself from caring so much what other think. I know it's partly my nature as someone who naturally encourages others but I think there is a healthy and unhealthy thing to it too. Just like standing up for yourself; there is the healthy way to say "I love you" or care about you but I can not be in relationship with you while you treat me this way. But, What is the healthy way to step back from caring what others think? I still feel bad with the healthy boundaries I have had to set because I know how hurt people can be because they can not understand your need for it. I do not know what it feels like, but I'm needing to find out.

What to get for the father who found everything he wanted on Facebook

Father

               This is the first Father's day my Hubie has wanted to celebrate since we have been married. He has been a father for 22 years but his son was lost to him years ago to circumstances he could not control. This last year in November our prayers we answered and he found his son on Facebook of all things.  He had never given up hope but had little of it in ever finding him again. Things have been slow in the getting to know you part but the joy of finding his lost son has not faded.

Son

                It was really the most miraculous thing ever. He had gotten a friend request from one of his ex's niece because his brother had entered his school and home town in and a friend of his friend found him then the niece found him through that. and in her friends as soon as he saw his face He  knew this was his son. Neither of us could stop smiling for days! after a well crafted letter saying all the things that lived in his heart all these years he made contact and we found out we were Grandparents! They have talked a little since then. Never again will Facebook be taken so lightly in this house anyway.

Grandson

                 So this being the first Father's day after that I am kinnda stumped as to what to do for him about it. It is such a big deal. We have not been able to have children of our own and until this last November My bonus son had seemed like a virtual person. someone you knew was there but never saw or heard anything about other than when we would pray for him together or separately. I am so excited to celebrate this day with him and just take the time to really soak in all this year has brought us.

       For a number of years Fathers day has been a downer day for us. My hubies Dad died a number of years ago and my own father and I have been estranged for a number of years. Throw in a child you have been missing for almost 20 years and boom you have a day you would like to forget.I love when things get redeemed something so hurtful and painful because a thing of joy and celebrating. So for all those who's Father's day is not what you hoped and is a sad reminder of thing you lost or never had I hope your day can be redeemed as well.

How did that happen?

                        I have a hard time alining my self with being a christian most times. Not because I  do not love Jesus or am not a follower of his way but because of what the word has come to be associated with. I was watching a show on PBS about our founding fathers and their struggle to write the constitution of the US and the times and reasoning around that. For a people who came from a land where the monarch and the church aligned under pain of death letting people worship as they wished was a bold dream never before given to a people. A boldness that was fallowed by an out poring of the holy spirit. Also accompanied by a crack down of the established churches of the time as they feared this freedom.

                      I know a few of the things fallowing the ways of Jesus has Effected the world. The right for women to vote and be heard in the public arena, fighting against abuse on women and children, end of slavery, the humane treatment of prisoners, care for widows the poor,  orphans , and the ill, stopping child labor in the US, the red cross and salvation army still care for the poor and those in war and disasters, the YMCA, and laws that are for all people where previously they had been power birth right influenced. So why is this such a contradiction to what it is seen as today. Where people shout at others holding offensive signs and are known more for what they are against than what they are for.

                                         I a world full of red faced talking heads shouting against this and against that . UGh who needs it. There is that annoying christian saying that goes if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything.  What about standing for love standing for the oppressed standing for people. I love people people are the best people I know. Since when does loving someone mean you have to agree with everything they say and do. If that is a requirement we would be very lonely people or just not know each other very well if this was the case.
                                      

                                         I look at the raging debate over gay marriage and all I can see is cherry picking of verses you do not understand mixed with homophobia that pushes people God loves further from him. How would you feel if you are constantly told someone hates you. If you were thinking about the person rather than who they love or how they do that the behavior see today would not happen. I look at the history of marriage and just less than a generation ago my marriage would be illegal, being interracial. I had an uncle who was with the same partner for years they loved each other so much you could tell even as a child I knew they loved each other it did not scar me to know this. If they had the choice I do think they would have gotten married it pains me to think they could not. Talking the religion out of it they are Americans they pay taxes my religious right should not stop them from having their civil rights.

                                   I am not sure that this did much as far as a post if I made any points or not or even if this is a coherent string of words it just has been simmering in me a long time. I long for followers of Jesus to be known for what he was about freeing the enslaved , loving your neighbor, and  the fierce rebellion against the oppressors. After all it is what they tried to kill him for.

Who do we want to be

DO we think Oliver had it good?

AM I missing something? I do not understand the republican point of view have they no idea what history says about a people who have a few wealthy with the benefits and the poor with more burden. Have they never heard of the serfs or read any Charles dickens hell even seen some of the movies or plays from the times. There is a reason the robber stole from the rich and gave to the poor was the peoples hero. I hear the rest and it sounds so reasonable everyone should pay their own way, sounds fine till you look at the very poor who can not and the very rich who want to pay less. I am tired of the bashing of the poor, even if they are on drugs they have children that deserve to be able to eat why should they suffer because they were delt a bad hand. As Americans we can be so generous to starving people in every nation I was impressed by the hearts and that of those donating to Hatti and after the tsunami.

                                    If you live in America and are poor starving that is where compassion ends. There is this belief that if you live here you can pick your self up and if you are not making it you are lazy and it is your own fault. I have had friends who do not look like they need help that have needed help very much but have been treated badly by the very agencies that are supposed to help them. why is it our working poor work so hard and are still unhelped by their own efforts or the help of others. I am not talking about life time abusers of the system I am talking about hard working people falling on hard times. We as a nation are the 3rd worst nation for poverty in the developing world. One out of six people in our nation is being helped by some sort of aid, one out of 5 children are living in poverty. these are not someone's children across the ocean on another land or some imaginary line on a map this is our children in our nation and all I hear is how we need to stop caring for them. who is going to? are we willing to start seeing children looking like bones walking in our streets in schools?

                                    People are so afraid of loosing the kingdoms they built or being inconvenienced  they are willing to through everyone else under the bus. Right to work sounds great we want to work but right to work means you work with no rights. With employers who treat you like a trade-able commodity taking out life insurance on employees betting they will commit suicide or die and they will collect there inheritance from you. Not only working every last drip they can out of you but profiting if it kills you sooner.

                                I remember writing a paper about child labor and how it was ended reading about the thousands of children that lost limbs and fingers in the works of the factory, I was disturbed at the idea that the adults in control could use people that way. women and children where cheaper to hire. Do we really want to go back to those days? I think we are. Corporations being called people they are psychopaths as people. I have heard in history that is why the14th amendment was passed that is when companies started claiming such rights. Sad that even one of the shinning examples of something we did right can be twisted into ugliness. Is this who we want to be in America? DO we want to be the land of the free and the home of the brave or the land of the enslaved and the home of the afraid?