Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

                                I woke up yesterday with this urge to do bad things to chain smoke all day and drink large quantities of alcoholic beverages while laying in the sun with out sun screen, go swimming directly after eating, tear the tags off the pillows and the mattress,  run with sharp objects, eat fried chicken by the bucket, Make a face to see if it stays that way, and in general just plow a few years off my life and add a few on to any sentence handed out by a judge. If there had been something I had been told was bad for me I was just a Itching to try it out. I was unsure why this side was making it's appearance in my life. I had a great night the night before was happy no one was trying to act on my will to change it? Why the sudden urge to break every "rule" I could think of. Then I remembered a conversation I had with a dear friend over a glass or bottle of wine. She had asked me when was the last time I had made any thing art wise. In all honestly it had been a good amount of time and now that I think of it all my day dreams had turned to broken glass paint brushes and the feel of slick clay as you mold it. Hummm could this be the source of all my unbridledness I was feeling. Turns out it was. Ugh I am so stupid why do I not do the things I love. You can not leave an artist cooped up too long or they go wild inside if not out worldly.

                                   Even as I pulled out my supplies and though of what I would make, I felt the calm rolling in the fresh breeze of creativity running out of my heart to play for others to see and dance in freedom. I felt my soul sigh relief, as the day ended and my hands were sore from snapping glass and my back ached from leaning over the table I was so happy I needed that I needed that. Why do I do that why do I wait till I am going to go off the rails till I do something I love to do? I don't know I was going to buy a guitar the other day and didn't because I have literally 3 new thing I own and want to try am excited to do and have not tried yet. Why? Does anyone else do this? Ugh man I don't get it. This makes me so happy and as long as it does not take over it should not be a problem unless it becomes my job which would be so very cool I could not stand it. then I could write and create all day long and I think I might just glow like a light bulb if that was true.

Viva

                               I always had the dream of being an Artist a mad wild hippy woman that had three kids wild and free with names that matched the land and spirits that soared and inspired others to ride the wind and live with gusto. My soul mate would be wild and free, fun and passionate, sportive and encouraging: We would be in love but never have to have to have it on paper never tied down or anchored to anything but attached willingly to some. I would constantly be covered in clay and ink from my projects. We would live in distant lands: simply, but well. The art of life would eb and flow and it would be good. The writing always done by hand never on something  that so bastardized it like a computer, at the very least a type writer. I would  make prints on linen and canvas sculpt in clay and rock built things that moved and inspired, The artist life full of color and simple grandeur. 

                                  I got a few of those things I dreamed of the important ones. I want to think some may still come. I find it funny still that the girl that was going to be so wild and free has been married so long. although it does not feel unfree, it feels more so free in many ways. I miss this girl in the last few years I have been refinding her. I know I feel like I write this often but it is true. I forgot for years about the poems and stories I used to write with a friend and how much I loved it.I was only remembering how much people told me not to do it because of my dyslexia. I could get lost and loved getting lost in two things and that is still true to this day I get lost in writing and Creating art. I love it, I feel the most alive when I do these things. With all the cuts from the broken glass never really bothers me I long for the feel of clay dried and carved wet and pliable molded with my hands twisted into works that mark the heart.

                                I found it funny when I looked at my Myers Brigs personality thing it was so right on the edge of two of the things for the most part I am a ISFP- Introverted Sensing Feeling  Perceiving, I am so strong to the right on all this it is like the classic person for this type, but in the S one I am so close to the middle I could be an N iNtuitive. I sit on the balance of this witch is funny because the one INFP personality is known as the artist, and the other ISPF is known for never loosing their wonder and writing. The two thing I most wanted to do was to write and create.

                              Not even for anyone else just for me. To know that no one else did this just me. I our world it is increasingly hard to find things that have not been done. Everyone wants the cookie cutter the polished perfect thing. I get uncomfortable with too much polish on things on people give me something with some personality with some dents with something other than the norm. I once told my husband if I ever fall into that life with the standard house and the car that looks like everyone else and the  white walls of life medicate of kill me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ridovIfoWdA It's like putting fireflies in a jar, yeah they glow but not as bright and it kills them, I just can't do it. I need color I need different, it is telling to me that the first thing I bought with my very first paycheck was a one of a kind watch from an artist in a little shop in town. I had never seen anything like it.

                                        I still dream of this life and add more of it to my own life now, I hope some day in those far flung places I will find us old and wrinkled and oh so happy. Life is too short be who you are ment to be stop trying to be what everyone else says you should be.

Meteor Love

                       There is a meteor shower this weekend! I am excited to see it! I don't know that I can say I have just sat and watched a meteor shower ever. there was one time we were chaperoning a youth retreat provably this time of year and we sat on a bench while patrolling for sneaky teenagers or not so sneeky because we knew already where they were going, I do not remember seeing any. I am thinking tonight maybe I will make a picnic and a bottle o' wine and whisk my hubby out in search or a dark spot where we can cuddle up and watch the stars. OR we could find some friends build a fire and drink our wine and watch too. either way that would be a great night.

                     I love that we do little things like this, we have made an effort to make special times just to be. It works for us. I had miss calculated our year we have been married I thought it was 18 for most of this year but it is 17. Still nothing to sneeze at, At my 20th reunion this last summer I had a friend come up to my husband and say he thinks we are the longest married couple in the class. I don't know it has not seemed so long I love spending time with my hubby. I look forward every call every text I get. The sound of His voice and the way he says my name is like no one else in the world. He is my support, my soft place to land, my encourager, truth teller when no one else would dare, the eyes that see through all my crap, and the humor that has kept me laughing and taking life with ease, the heart so big I have yet to see the limit, and the only man that can still surprise me even after all these years.

                         I knew when I met him I would marry him: it scared me to death. 3 months later he was my hubby. It is so cheesy to say but he dreamed of me when he was a kid and knew I was t be his wife, he forgot until he saw me then those dreams came back to him. IT had to be no man would have put up with how mean I was the first week to him I wanted nothing to do with him. Ugh I hate that story it makes me sound like such a jerk, and think about it it is the story people always ask you about. He looks like a saint and I look like a crab. Sigh, I may have to make up a new how we met story. I was always afraid with how quick we married that it would burn out so fast but every year every day I love him a little more. I never thought this would be me, for those that only know me now as a sappy romantic. Honestly in my head some times when I hear my self talk about it even our own story of love and how much I actually Love him, the cynic in me groans and rolls her eyes. I was never going to marry it was crap who wanted that. turns out: I did want that but not just with anyone. He had to be sweet, he had to be kind, he had to be thoughtful, Quirky, and fully mine.

                      I am not saying we are perfect (I want to be very clear on that) I am not saying we do not have our stuff, oh honey  we do. We Learned to fight with respect and talk things out years ago: that has made life so much sweeter for us. You have so much less to get over to remember how much you mean to each other when you do that. We try to talk things out before they become big thing and blow up. I  have to say it is not easy it is hard to admit when your are being a jerk when you are than to have to hold that line to win a battle only to loose part of what you have. To win what?

                             Oh that went a different place I was going to go with this post but I think I will leave it at that get out do something spontaneous with your love or people in your life that mean the world to you. Talk things out listening to each other not just talking at each other.  Don't put it off if: they mean something to you call them get together with them. if they mean something to you I am fairly sure you mean something to them too. unless you are a stalker or Dexter then your way of getting together with some what less what I am would recommend.

                          ( I feel like I need to add a disclaimer to this I know not everyone is safe in their live in their relationships. I have been very blessed with the man I spend my life with. If you are being hit or abused. there are places that can help you. You are worth so much more, no one ever has the right to lay hands on you No one ever! There is no deserving it. seek help, people love and count on you, if you can not do it for you do it for them.)

Leting my Geek flag fly!

                   In my ongoing struggle to stop people please I am admitting my geek tendencies. I lean to the geek side more often than not. After years of geek denial I have come to this with sad recognition I have missed out on geek pride after being a closeted geek for so many years. There were other factors being the youngest child with little hand eye coordination leads to watching your sibling play games with your dad and totally missing out on the the joy of video gamer brother hood. Also being late to the computer coolness/ possible tone o' money maker and use. Sigh, the wasted years in hiding my love of Sci-FY for years I missed so so many awesome movies and TV shows, the one liners, I could have been disappointed they were canceled so much earlier than I found them on Netflix, IE. Pushing Daisies and Firefly. (sniffle) I am grieving to much to talk about that. I never had the brains or more the will to study till it got cool and you could blow stuff  up for a living with science or Math: However the Scie-Fy lore and nerd culture I am down with.

the horror

                 This lack of Video gamer love and tech things has me wondering: Can one be a geek with out a huge obsession with technology, comic books, and video games? I was looking up Comi-con because for years I have seen pictures of all my geek heroes there so There I must go. As I was looking yesterday for a possible trip to the 2014 venue just a little dreaming/ planing I noticed all the people were mostly comic book people, them it hit me. Comic- con, NOOOOOOO!!!! had my dreams been dashed? I am not apposed to comics in them selves but am at a loss as two where to start. Does not reading this make me less Geek than I think. For years the lack of video game love has kept me from letting my geek flag fly. Was I now not ineligible for the holy grail of trips?

Sigh.... Captain; oh my Captain.

           I admit my geekness is unique to me I love off beat English humor, steam punk (Yes! love the fashion but have to think of it as western to watch), most supernatural things (but not all I don't like Zombies they freak me out unless it is funny but love Wear wolves and vampires but hate Twilight). I read but not a lot, I get most of the jokes on Big Bang Theory (but not all), I know what Dolphins sing and whales think when they fall from the sky, and get a kick out of dressing up and going out in public with friends for no particular reason (I do think this more hipster than geek). Occasionally I will bust out laughing at things or make jokes or show "funny" videos when hanging out with my non geek friends that result in silence staring while crickets chirping. And I will say this for now and for ever Nathan Fillion will always be my Captain, even though Castle is awesome.

           UGh or is this whole thing about my need for approval and and wanting to find a group that I "fit" in.

          Sigh I guess this too must be yet another thing I am a Platypus in fitting and not fit in all at the same time.

Curiosity

            Ok so how is the world not jumping up and down that we landed on Mars. It's Mars! Really people? Get all geeked out over the moon and the red planet gets no love. I honestly had not even heard they were launching something to go there. Had anyone else? Am I alone in my ignorance? It's not like I check NASA's status everyday to find out what is new in space. I generally just enjoy the stars and the moon.  How cool is it we have a robot on Mars. I have visons of Marvin the Martian and other aliens dancing in my head. but there so far are rocks. sigh, that will have to do for now I guess.

           With the way things go in Sci-FY movies not sure why people would be so excited to meet the aliens and other life forms: with all the butt probing and psycho death war mongering types represented in films. I read a quote from a scientist (I can't remember the name of ) when asked about ET he said "If it is true it is the only time and best example of a secret government has been able to keep.". He makes a good point. I am not sure I believe in ET but I do think it would be cool if there was. Can you imagine? How cool would it be to meet ET for real hiding behind your stuffed animal pile. I may be watching to much Sci-FY, but this is where my mind drifted as I dreamed about being on mars. it all stopped with the image of the guys head exploding as he was pushed into mars' atmosphere, forget the name of that one had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.

                I know it takes a lot of money to do go to Mars and I am even surprised by myself as I honestly love we are still pushing back into discovery. In a world where so much is known, we are still hungry and pushing to know more. Dream on scientist, push back against the tide of Jersey Shore wannabe's and the culture fighting for the bottom of the Heap. Lift up more than body or coolness. Did anyone else see the guy with the Mohawk? That is the Flight Director, Babak Ferdowski. How cool is that? Still rocking personal style and personality but awesome at his job and rock star smart. Why is it the dumb getting lifted up in our culture? Frustrates me. we have smart young people thinking all they are is a body and the dumber the better. Don't we want more for them? Don't we want well rounded people that can think of themselves in more than one term or in more than one set of circumstances? WE are so much a product of what we have been told we are, tell a young person they can't and the majority of them will not.

                   I was listening to a story the other day of a runner from South Africa Oscar Pistorius, was born without fibulas and grew up without anyone setting limits on him he competed in normal sport. Was so good a coach picked him up and he ended up in the paralympics, he was so good there he is now and Olympian competing this week in London. He had to fight with the board and have experts testified that his prosthetic was not an unfair advantage. That's how good he is. What could the young people in your life do if you encouraged them?

Every four years

On Guard!

          I am a geek, yes you know this by now but it's true. I am a total Olympics geek. I love it all Fencing to white water rafting Yes sign me up to watch. It is the weirdest thing ever four years I end up glued to the tv loosing sleep because I have to know how the Fencing team did. I would never watch most of this at any other time. Once ever 4 years I am an expert wondering why the judges gave a break to the Chines diver they obviously had a bigger splash than Mexico did are they blind. Hate the Chines drivers so smug, bastards.

Holy crap!

          I am not sure where this started when I was young I would watch and try to do the gymnastic things in the basement leading to sprains and broken things (the uncoordinated should not try graceful things), Working at a expensive private school during the summer that brought in former pro tennis people to teach tennis while watching the Olympics with them was very cool (ok that was a highlight for me.)  Having a friend that almost went was also cool, there are so many memories of this that just make it awesome. Then there was the awesomeness for an adventuring girl or wanna be adventurer to know the whole world was watching. Awesome!

SAnka training.

                    Years later when I married a man from another country I found out that last part not so much true. The never watched the Olympics in Mexico and if not there where else were they not watching was Cool Runnings even true? This was earth shattering, I have changed this for my hubby anyway and changed him into a nut like me. He actually maybe more so he knows all the names and that.

Dive! Dive!

                                             I love the struggle the blow out games the guy that had never rowed before a few months ago that came and finished his first race. YES! Bring it all. I am annoyed this year by NBC's editing of the games really dude this is not some lamo reality show this is fine the way it is. Yesterday it was obvious when Mexico fell out of the diving metal running and they stopped showing them, we still want to see the competition, And there are more than 4 guys diving right? What's with leaving out the tribute to the people that died in the bombing in London. Really you think us so self serving and self centered we do not care. It is the TV equivalent to the ugly American traveler that insults everything and only eats and drinks only coke, and spray cheese on crackers when they go to France or Italy. Then there is the news people with the spoilers tell who won what before they show the game/ match or what ever it is called. Has the modern succubi or our culture finally gotten so bad it has wrecked the Olympics? Kinda yeah, I hate to say it but it has for me a bit I still watch but knowing who wins kinda takes the edge out of the race or the competition.

Stop Glaring at me I didn't call you old!

                                          The there is the adds ok I might buy the Subway commercial but I am so not buying that any of these elite athletes ate McDonald's food ever.  Why is it some of the most unhealthy stuff ever tries to attach it self to a very healthy thing. Am I just getting old that these things are bothering me now? Is it youth that brings so much of the magic of the games? MAybe, I like the dream of it the with good people working hard living right being silly in videos: yes, love that. However I do not need to know one of the swimmers on the team likes one night stands vs. relationships. I guess in the world of instant info that is what allows me to know / over know all of this is both fun blessing and I never needed to know the STD of that person all at the same time. It is not the Bachelor If you start giving me the hook up report I am done, really that is not what this is about. One last thing what is with the lack of quality of the reporters? Calling Phelps Old after the gold relay, or just lack of professionalism. Seriously repeating them selves because it seems to me like they do not know what they are talking about or they are rereading the prompter this has happened 7 times since I started counting it. Our crap new reporters reporting has now wrecked the Olympics. They used to have people that were actually in the sport that knew what was what, now they are all trying to be the morning zoo crew and loosing the whole meaning. Not everything has to be a punch line, also a call from Justin Beber is not the end all top call you can get. It is still better to get a call from the president maybe read a book report spreader of information.

Dig! Dig!

                          Sigh, Maybe beach volley ball or track Cycling will sooth me. Whisking me back to the days when my sister and I put holes in the ceiling fencing. I do think this acting out what is happening on the screen made it more fun. The other night at the gym when I went with my Hubby while we were lifting weights and walk/ running on the tread mill it was so much more fun to watch with no sound. Maybe the child in me just wants to sprain her ankle again with the joy of winning gold while doing it. Watching the flag rise while you ice your foot, good times good times. Medal on Mike medal on!

Really this can't be a win for me

             Why is change so hard? Even when you really want it and really do want change it is such a struggle to actually do it to go out the door and take a new path. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this pains me to no end I am not a rut girl I love new I love the different I always want to be original. I have vivid memories of this being  a trait I carried long before I knew what it was. In preschool we took a trip to the post office to mail valentines to our mom's and Dad's we all lined up one by one we march wedding procession styal up the the boxes one by one everyone dropped theirs into the one mail hole ignoring the other perfectly good one next to it. step by step we get closer and before I knew it I was there ready to drop my mail. Boop in it went into the other slot no one else used as my teacher shrieked that I had put mine in the out of town one. I did not care it was mine mail and I wanted to other one. Then there is the questionable fashion choices like the lime green see through head band I wore as sun glasses because no one else had them (Punky Brewster was my hero and fashion Icon). So there have been problem with this I was under the impression change was not one of them, come on if you are going to be original does that not include regular change?

            But here I am trying t push through this slightly premid life crisis and boom I am not wanting change of fighting it being my own worst enemy. I am sure in my very core there are few if any one at this gym I am going to that even notices I am there and yet I can not get over them just being there. Stupid they would so go out of business if I was the only one going but ugh the though of being mocked really gets to me. Thank you Mr. Kiffer and the whole of Jr. high. Not to mention life in general. But now no one is stopping me but me, I am literally defeating my self.  Why can't facing fears be like a movie montage or better yet sitcom half hour never brought up again again till a flash back show. No life has to be about facing that fear any way every time going and keep pressing on. shit life sucks, what sick bastered made this system. Nice to have my own worst enemy looking me in the mirror with all the amo of my past failers and mockings to throw in my face. One trip two trips a whole week of trips miss a few days and slammo again struggling going alone. I will not be the weapon of my own defeat. I will not be the reason I give up on this. I am going to do this I am so sick of stopping my self and letting me defeat me. screw that this woman is leaving that girl behind and do this.

I'm right and you are stupid

              When did we stop listening to each other? I get the people getting paid to sling mud being this way but as humans one person to another when did another opinion become a threat? Are we so insecure in what we think that we can not allow for others to have their own thoughts. This is just not in political arguments it is in all discussions if you can call them that. Listening to others can expand our own world, most of us are trapped in a very small world view, other people have other experiences that we do not.

            People wonder all the time why more people vote for Dancing with the Stars than give a crap about things that actually impact their lives. I think it is this kind of talk that is driving people to focus on the trivial. People are rabid about their ideas and even if someone is a little interested in something they get blasted as soon as they ask or look into it with negativity and hostility, they then just check out again.  We take our selves way to seriously, we are more than our opinions as humans. It is not a bad thing to evaluate our ideas from time to time. If they are worth keeping they will make it if they are not we should have the courage and humility to  admit it and move on.

                                              Is being right worth loosing relationship over or berating a person for? When did a need to be right become more important than another person? I am not saying we should not have an opinion or state said opinion in fact I think it necessary. However I am not willing to let that be all that matters.

Nourish

I have been working on a healthier life for my self and have found it interesting how much I try to make my self suffer for it. Not just in depriving my self, contrary to popular belief people who weight more than they are supposed to do medicate with food but also are very much into making them selves suffer in it.   I found a saying the other day that is sticking with me. Fear makes you cling to the strangest things. This is true in this fear of failing makes me not eat all I am supposed to eat of the good things and when I do this that makes me spin off into unhealthy behaviors. This is so true for me in life not just trying to be healthy.

                   I wonder what life would really be like if I treated my self well nourished my self well and lived well. not extravagantly that would just be uncomfortable for me but well. I am on a mission to find out taking what I need not just the scraps I allow my self out of a lack of care or business really taking time to care and do what is right for a good life. Even writing that I feel the need to disclaim about not being selfish and self centered how sad is that. Just taking time to actually take care twists in my head to being something abhorrent to me. (sigh) Maybe one day this will be second nature to me but as for now I am setting alarms to eat lunch take a break in the after noon to stretch and enjoy 10 min minimum to care for my self. I am hoping making these appointments with my self is a good step in the right direction.

The trench

                               Why is change so friggin hard you think in a world full of flux we would all be so used to it it would seem weird without it. Sigh but it is not that way. I had a friend describe changing habits this way the other day. "we all have ruts in our brains deep ways we do everything in our lives. as we try to change those we are digging new ones it is easy to slip back into the old ones." I like a loath that idea: it describes how uncomfortable we feel while making the changes but also leaves us in a pit once in a while. this oddly has given me new motivation. As the idea of being confined in a trench in my mind is not appealing to me. not many pleasant things happen in a pit or trenches for that matter.

                               Change is a part of who we are or should be. I love the commercial with the grown man with the bike helmet on on one of those push scooters saying these streets are all I have ever known.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnCSY8YHDEA
It cracks me up because what if we all had chosen to stay there? With every new thing we do there is risk but the risk of being a 40 year old living like that guy is so much greater. We would miss out on so much of life if we let it.

Paradox

I am still so distracted about the trip next year I put pictures every where on the computer it is my cover picture my screen saver my wall paper. I have gone southern mad. I am not sure what it is about the south I loved visiting there as a child the glossed over history and the dark underbelly, beautiful flowers plants air plants that add mystique, old plantations beautiful and sad with history of oppression, The beaches and wildlife, the iron work and just how different it feels from here. I love it! I am so excited to get to go there and see a house that belonged to an 3 or 4 time great grandfather of mine. Tom has been wanting to take me there since we found out the place existed. I was not sure I wanted to be do really want to see it see where they walked see where they lived what they were like.

                    It is weird to think of them being slave owners and doing horrible things that went with that. Finding my family history has been both very fun and not so much all at the same time because of finding people like that in my past where their lives were fascinating yet they were not people of great moral values. May be more a product of their times but it still feels wrong to a person who believes in freedom and honoring and respecting others so much. This will be the first time I have been back down south since I have known about this I wonder if it will change my view. AS a child the drama of gone with the wind filled my head with the dreams of a different time. I did a hell of Scarlet impression, my mom loved it got me out of a lot of tuff spots. But as I grew older and learned the history I was so embarrassed of how much I loved it. There is so much good about the south not just the food but that is high on the list. the music and richness lives there Alligators and dolphins. so much history and so much new that is good too. I don't know if I will ever get over my love of the south but I am in good company so many artists and musicians never have either. There was a part of the book I was reading with my book club that talked about paradox and how that is where interest lives spark of life, I think the south is that for me. So much beauty so much darkness so much life so many ghost tours. (Hee hee hee ) I am excited to see how I see this word as an adult and see it for the first time in my husbands eyes.

Looking back

                  So I can not divorce my self from the things that I write in my other blog about beauty today, this painting I posted today reminded me so much of my Dad's parents. My grandfather Jim had so much heart, I always remember wanting to be around him. sitting by him while he talked of the south Pacific in the war and how he would go back someday shooting riffles that knocked me on my butt in his back yard. His kind eyes smiling out at everyone. I do not think I went any where with him that everyone in the place did not know him. He smoked so much his voice was low and comforting. He was so short hardly even 5 ft. tall It was a right of passage to be taller than him. But no one could eclipse him any where he went. He was quiet but friendly and such a loving man.

                   My grandmother and him were so funny together I remember when I was 5 watching him mow the lawn he walked over to this flower bed around a tree took down the brinks and mowed the flowers then replaced the bricks. and continued to mow. I found it odd it was not till 3 hours later when my grandmother went out to water her flowers that I heard he yelling about him mowing them and how she could not understand how he could do it she had put the brinks there to stop him and he still gets them with the brinks unmoved.. I laughed but never told. They had such a funny relationship to me they called each other old crab and old crow with such affection. Too hard headed to admit they loved each other you could see it without the words. They made such a funny couple with my grandpa being so short and grandma being so tall seeming to me as child to be almost 6 ft. tall.

            My grandmother was a harder one to know with all her German stubbornness she loved but was not so much with the affection. She was a wild women in many was going to biker rallies and gay bars with her sons, a fire deep with in her. I do remember her coming to take care of us with my Grandpa when my parents went away for vacation. Sitting on the couch with them and her arms wrapped around me talking to me and tickling me. Other times swimming with her in the lake in Arkansas and stopping at any yard sale we could find every where. With all her toughness she put out there was a tender heart underneath. She was a Rosy the Riveter in during the war going to work to support her family and the men fight in the war. She had lots of determination.

                I am not trying to say they did not have their faults just that I loved them and miss them. Parts of them I would like to not know and other parts I long for more of. I miss you love you both. Relationships can be so hard with people living so far apart hell there hard living so close together.  I think it is important to take time to look and remember those that have past and not editing them to suit us ether hard or just good but to remember the whole person. I wish I had known them both better but cherish what I did have.

            I am not sure the blog world will care about this post much but I hope it stirs you to look back at some people in your life you have lost.

Only I could...

So I decided today to write a blog about a practice I have started since some friends of mine and I started doing a book club about this one book Practical Genius, love the book read it if you can. In this book one of the challenges in it is to take in beauty every day really soak it in. like going to a museum and find one piece of art that calls to us and feel it write down your thoughts about it this could also be done with great literature read something beautiful really soak it in not just read and go on. So I started doing this but had not written down my thoughts about it so I figured if I am going to do this I want to share them with people and have them share with me. Kind of a I'll show you mine if you show me your kindda feel to it. so I did I looked up a very famous museum been in movies and everything  and looked through found the piece and wrote down my thought really one by one wrote them out I am figgin odd ball because I came to the conclusion in my head that this beautiful statue was the birth place for sci-fi and the modern block buster alien invasion movie. really I did (shakes head), only I could take a statue of Nike and make it Super 8 movie, or Battle Star Galactica.  here it is if you would like to read it. http://platypus-takes-in-beauty.blogspot.com/

Why am I still so surprised?

                                    I was watching "Who do you think you are?" on Friday and Helen Hunt was the person they were researching. She had found out her great great grandmother had been a part of the Christian Women's Temperance movement and had a big reaction to it. In our Day being christian has become more about being against stuff than for things. The image and things said on a large scale in our nation we deserve that reaction. Today it made political news that Jimmy Carter left the Baptist church because of their view on women and what that view breeds in that church culture. I mourn that Christ the One who came to bring freedom and healing has been seen so much as the one who brings bondage and harm.

                                      Later in the show when Helen looked into what the organization stood for she was very proud of what it did. The Women's Christian Temperance movements were where women had a voice before they did, they stood at a time of rampant alcoholism from wounded men coming home alcoholics from being traumatized by war and all kinds of abuse against women and children. bringing light to dark hidden places saying it was wrong.  This movement turned into the suffrage movement gaining women the right to vote be counted as worthy of their opinion mattering, helping men overcome addictions and find healing and getting children out of factories. So why is it over one hundred years later Women in the church looked at with unequal eyes?


                                       Our culture has had to do the job of seeing women as worthy and abuse as wrong. I'm tired of strong smart christian women having to make apologies for their brains and positions they earned and are qualified for in the church. I have been reading Bio's on church pages of the male and female pastors both are qualified with the degrees but only one has felt the need to make the descriptions of themselves into but I cook and garden too. Trying to prove that even though they're competent and deserve their job but they are girly too. It's the equivalent of the smart pretty girl acting dumb so the boys will like them. "But I love to garden and cook. Oh and chocolate, lets not forget the chocolate, not that I eat to much of it have watch my girly figure". Pay no attention to the degrees competence and brain behind the curtain. Why are there no strong women held up from the Bible in the church? or if they are, their strengths are muted on  how God used them, they  are shushed. Where are the volumes about Deborah the judge who ruled and lead the armies into battle?, or even the Proverbs women actually being a savvy business women of her day not the parts held up for women to emulate or passages that declared our equality saying that we are neither slave nor free male or female.


                                       It is not just the men-women. It is time we stop apologizing for our strengths or accepting the negative words assigned to a strong women. Humility is not saying "I am a worm, I am a worm" It's standing in the truth of who we are, good and bad,  accepting our skills and talents and not making them seem more or less than they are. We are more than capable to run more than potlucks and child care. Women's groups can be dynamic places where we tackle life and get real with the grit of it. It is time for the women to stand and be equal,  Why is this such a threat? I will never know. The mousy women that holds her toughts and minds her place while being a chef in the kitchen, Really? Is that our ideal?

                                   Why is it that there are never sermons on men manning up and accepting their wives,  girlfriends and daughters that are being capable and intelligent women that need support love and encouraging to stand in the shoes God gave them? There is all this back story being thrown at men about all they need is the respect of a women, really? I know a few women that want to be disrespected, and I do not think God said anything about respecting men as his goal. God says He loves them, God says He is no respecter of men. I think it's crap. I think respect is built into love in the true from on the word the dictionary defines respect as esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment. I think esteeming a person's worth and other things is mandatory in love. 

                                        Even in the way we talk about abstinence it is all about the women, every christian movie has a dad standing up and fighting for his daughters purity. Where is the movie about the son?  Or teaching respect for women.  Why is there no strong mother fighting to teach her son to respect himself and women? Not saying it is not happening but Why is that not being held up as an ideal? Why is it in every christian blog the end is for their kids even though they were strong headed as young kids it prepared them to be a missionary? Why did it not position them to take on other jobs a lawyer a  crusader for the rights of people with AIDS? being bullied by the system because none stands up for them, a Police Officer fighting for our community every day, or a Physical Therapist who helps those hurt get back into action or just a Therapist who helps heal the mind. 

                                             I think it's high time we the church start living and reading what the Bible actually says within it's culture rather than letting people tell us what it says within our own. As modern people we look at the passages about slavery and can detach from that as a cultural reference for the time it was written. we do that with so many things written there but pick a few things out to  be outraged about.  Not many keep a Kosher home nowadays.  I am not sure this post has strung together anything more than my frustration in seeing women diminish themselves to secure their position without intimidating insecure men. We all are stronger and better people when we lift one another up. there is enough for everyone, Your gifts, even if they are similar to another; your gifts with your twist on them and your bent, no one else can do what you specifically can do. We are made to fit together not by making one less so you seem to stand out but by shinning in our love.

                           

The Fallin

I have been sick for a number of days with the flu, my inflammation has been so bad it swelled up my ears so I could not hear. My energy has been zapped and I have been unable to do much other than watch Netflix on my Kindle Fire because even though my ears were swelled almost shut, if I put the little attachment speaker to my ear I could hear it. So, I started watching The Guardian, it looked interesting and had Simon Baker in it so that made it worth a look worst case scenario I get to watch Simon Baker.

                           The story is interesting in this show, it is about a man Nick Fallin who lost his mother when he was very young and was left with a father who had no idea what to do with him so he sent him away to a Boarding School. He was left alone with no one and ended up making a success of his life on the outside, great corporate lawyer but his life was out of control, he was into drugs and was caught but because of who his dad was he was given probation and community service in a non for profit law firm that fights for children and the disadvantaged people.
He is a very good lawyer and does an excellent job but his goal to start is to do his time and sees money as a very big solution for the people. He runs from one to the other, so hurried, not able to take it in, overwhelmed by life and the pressures of two full time jobs now, one with hard detail work, the other one with hard to deal with facts. The battle for his time it's a huge conflict between the corporate work and the work he finds interesting even if he will not admit it. The lack of ability to conceit to his father and others is so painfull to watch. The stories of the kids mirror his own life and being shut down emotionally, he has a hard time connecting to it on the surface to anyone let alone the threads being pulled on his heart, he feels everything very deeply. Every time he seems to get it together he blows it up, his life, his job, everything. He is unwilling to look at his problem seeing him self as being in control until it just becomes so clear he can't look at it anymore but unequipped to deal with it, he hits rock bottom, finally finds some help but some things are too broken to fix and he has lost everything he finds, all he has left is to fight for what it's right and do what he can to be a better man. I hope I did not wreck it for you. I tried to be vague so if you want to watch it you still can without a spoiler bothering you.

                                        I found this such a gripping story for life in general, at least for me, life has seemed this way for a while. I functioned well on the outside looking like I had it together to some degree, playing the game; it's just business right. Playing by what everyone expects of you, ticking the boxes, moving along on the path made for you until it became clear to me when my body gave out sending me on what seemed like a fall. I could not stomach, the road the was killing me inside and it started to show more, the more I tried to patch here and patch there, trying to work and just make it through my probation time, I failed to see the heart vs. expectations, I made the wrong choices sometimes and other times made the right ones. Not making the connections in front of me, being human and hating it, making the responsible choice, wanting to be this person I could just never seem to be or how to get there. Unable to know what to do with the awakening of my heart and all that brought, feeling more like the bring to life of my soul was more of a problem than healing.

The circumstances of everyone's life is different but we all face the choice of shutting down and going along or doing what feeds our souls.

                   Being in a basic isolation tank for going on three weeks with a sermon for a series bring to light many things I had not seen in myself or at least in this way. Everyone gives up on the one that acts out and can't go along. It takes courage to stand with others and love them when you can't understand their reaction because you have not walked their steps. A few good people will stand up if you are lucky. The scenarios for the placement of each in bad situations, some seem unfair, some seem to punish the victim, others reward the offender. Everyone deserves a life, everyone has someone fighting for them even if they do not like the place they end up. The Guardian's job is to do with diligence, to know where the best place is for each one and make a recommendation for their care. For a while I have hated watching so many people suffer feeling like the system of life failed them. Not liking where they were placed even when they are doing their best circumstances and wounds both their own and others just changed what should have been.

For no good reason talented and amazing people I knew lost and suffered, I saw the connection to my own losses, not that I put myself on the same platform as they were, they were great. I just was here serving my sentence. I find my self seeing this with a different view today having the sermon of the show making it to my heart. I could be OK, I could get along and join the normal wave that appears to look better, more prestigious while dying inside changing who I am, not being able to take a genuine face value because I feel so twisted, there has to be another motive. Living in a world that does not know me because the "Me, I am" is a threat to that world being ok for me.

Or I can sacrifice it all, sacrifice the image of myself and what I wanted it to look like and live, really live with an open heart without protecting myself, just being me. doing what makes me passionate and what I was made for. The whole "Me" meeting the "Me I used to show the world" and blending of the two being the true self I was made to be, To live fully. I choose to live even if it means having less, when it means. I will be embarrassed. I care so much, But happy.

Bring down a thug!!!!!!

                           Years ago I heard of night walkers children walking the night to not be taken captive and made to be solders and sex slaves for war lords in Africa. I was devastated to know there were people out there who would do this to young children. We hear please like these so often heart breaking situations that are worlds away oceans separate us more than  cultures or languages do. It is so much easier to turn it off or not hear about it than to know and stay with the feeling that there is nothing we can do about it. An impotence comes with that heart break but inability to actually effect a change.

                               For two or 3 days I have been seeing this mans face all over facebook from different people those that would in real life have no reason or place to have met each other unless I brought them together. I found it interesting but I do not often watch or read things a lot of people post like this because Like the video of the man who shot his daughter computer I just don't want to engage in conversations about it because people tend to not like my views. So if I do not see it I do not have too have that conversation. Because opinions about things such as Dad should actually talk to his child not publicly shame her with a violent act of shooting her computer are not really well revived by all. Even after I watched an interview where I watched him intimidate his Daughter shut her up belittle her and answer for her. Ya know stuff like that. 

                           How ever Today I watched this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

and encourage you to do so also. There are a few action steps we can do to bring down this lower than life thug will you join me?  Even in looking up this video to put on there I came across peoples videos that said "Who cares I live in 'merica" REally?! We are the greatest nation on earth because we do care. Would you want someone to care that your child was so unsafe they had to roam the night to be safe. What a short sided narrow view of the world you live in It makes us all smaller when this happens anywhere! WE are the human race the moment we stop looking at that and valuing that we become less than that. Then people like this man Kony win.

The Desert Place

Oh, Monday can be such a bitch when she wants to be. Woke up to hear of yet another friend that is at the breaking point if not beyond that. My heart breaks for them, so many reaching for hope to find none. The person struggling with illness only to find more and more  different types of illnesses coming their way. The couple trying and trying for children only to loose one after another. There is nothing to say, there are no words that seem big enough, no actions seem to fit. It is killing my certitudes about life. I am Sue Heck at the core of who I am, I watched "The Middle" for the first time and knew, the girl who gets so excited to be a part of something and never makes it but has a bounce back rate of like mine is being tortured in me.

                          We have lost so much in the last years; I lost my health, my job, our house, my husbands job, my family and our money. We gained a few things. I would never never want to be without, we gained friends that are family to us. My husband found a job that he loves even if it pays just slightly above what he made on unemployment from the other one, and a deep deep appreciation for Jesus and a more honest relationship with him.
                         I mourn the things I lost. I have always been the Sue with an optimism that could not be kept down, that is fading a bit more to the side of being a slave to hope. I think it might be easier to be without but can't drop. I never was unaware of the bad like most people thought I was. I just chose to not entertain it. But when I go dark, I go very dark.

                     There are those that pull out the Christian phrases and Bible verses that seem in time of hardships; just mock and make one feel less than because "why is that not be true for me?"

       Or the GCB's in life gloating over people's pain because it proves them to be not worthy or flawed. It is hard to sit in pain with people, so much easier to sit in celebration with those celebrating. Facing the hard life sucking soul crushing things that everyone comes in contact with sooner or later is the things nightmares are made of.  This is why people feel so lonely in the face of the big ugly in life.
                            The end of certitudes in my life has been so hard on me. It is so much easier to cling to behaviors and rules of life; "if I do this this will happen" and if it does not then the beating of ourselves up at least gives us something to do in the face of it rather than the void of "I did what I was supposed to" and it still crushed. I mean there are things that have no reason when you do a + b you get c, but, What do you do when you add it up and it comes out duck, not even a freaking letter? There is no reason it should not be working, every story has an ark, right? It can't just keep plummeting. I have no answers for that. I can no longer say "I know",  there is much firm ground left. It is hard for me to go to this place. I have struggled to go to the sparkly happy twirly bow on it through writing  this whole thing: making the grand Disney ending we all long for: the Hallmark movie we could all write when we were 10 but love and watch anyway. I seriously every other sentence wanted to write the but now answer for it all. What does one do when there is none?

                                       Yes, Jesus will be with the person and us walking them through it. But to hurry through just to make others or your self more comfortable robs us and belittles the person going through it. Sometimes all one can do is sit next to the fire with the person in it, and when the time is right offer a little distraction and a lot of prayers. I have to say right now that sucks, I want to do more. To have answers that really work, some boot strap to offer that isn't busted off yet from pulling trying to get up. I am rung dry of tears and starved for the Knight in white saving at least one person I know from this breaking . Someone, anyone that is not kicked to death once they are down. I am left with so little answers and so many more questions.

                                     Sorry, this is so dark. I hate this view and fear the vulnerability of saying this and conclusions people will make of it. I felt I needed to say this and get it out of my head. The desert in life is not a fun place to be but there is life there. I look at the world God created for quest of life, the lush jungles are great but not without struggle, mountain meadows no one sees and think our lives are much like the land spaces God made but the desert place is such a hard place dotted with so few oasis . Be one for someone starving for it today while prayers that seem more like begging than firm ground it used to feel like. Certitude is starved but continues to cling to life and the Father holding all of you close.

I am not sure why it is so hard to talk about weight not like anyone looking at me would be like OMG I never noticed how did you hide it all these years. It has been a sensitive subject for me for years not that I am afraid to talk about it, but when you randomly get assaulted by people verbally for it in public it becomes an issue. No seriously I have had people run across rooms down blocks and be held back like a person in a fight trying to "help" me: it is not helpful. If you are doing helpful hints to strangers in public to those who do not ask you word of advice unsolicited hints are not advice they are critique and damaging. Stop it!  Also a word to those who tease to help someone make a change Stop it! Last group if you are at the same group to loose weight or make a change you are in no position to judge other that are there for the same, enjoy the comradeship leave the I need to make my self feel better by by mocking and cutting others down at home.
These thing do make it hard to be vulnerable about where you are and the struggle to change, and no not exaggerating real examples and more behind all.

     Sorry sorry. In this day and age it is the thing you do not want to be is Fat. You can be a drug user you can be an abuser all that but fat even gain a few pounds and Bam you are done no redemption. Even if you loose it you are mocked and monitored look at Kristy Alley. It is a little different for men they are more respected when they are heavier my friends cousin lost several hundred pounds and had to gain 75 back because it was effecting his job. But in the land of the 15 inch waist of Angelina how dose one make it when you do not. Don't get me wrong I love all she has over come and what she stands for but eat something!!! In my home town they just arrested a couple for not feeding their baby there was a lot to it but one thing I am talking about is they had the Baby in the hospital on Iv's trying to get the weight up and they snatched her out without Dr. consent because she gained a pound in 3 days way less than she needed to gain. Really we look at those poor kids who survived neglect like not being fed and surviving eating the walls and your first thought is that is so sad but they are trim kids. I know we are not all that messed up but it feels that way some times.

       Having been on diets since I was 5 it is hard to look at with optimistic point of view.  But I am committed to making healthy choices not being on a diet. The out look is so much easier for me to enjoy the process along the way. I am also so grateful for the love and support I have revived not pressure at all but the cheering on and understanding has been awesome. So step by step leaf by leaf I walk this road. Trying to be vulnerable and honest along the way.

      I do not want to make this bog all about weight but I am feeling this today so this is today and what I had to say.