I am not sure why it is so hard to talk about weight not like anyone looking at me would be like OMG I never noticed how did you hide it all these years. It has been a sensitive subject for me for years not that I am afraid to talk about it, but when you randomly get assaulted by people verbally for it in public it becomes an issue. No seriously I have had people run across rooms down blocks and be held back like a person in a fight trying to "help" me: it is not helpful. If you are doing helpful hints to strangers in public to those who do not ask you word of advice unsolicited hints are not advice they are critique and damaging. Stop it!  Also a word to those who tease to help someone make a change Stop it! Last group if you are at the same group to loose weight or make a change you are in no position to judge other that are there for the same, enjoy the comradeship leave the I need to make my self feel better by by mocking and cutting others down at home.
These thing do make it hard to be vulnerable about where you are and the struggle to change, and no not exaggerating real examples and more behind all.

     Sorry sorry. In this day and age it is the thing you do not want to be is Fat. You can be a drug user you can be an abuser all that but fat even gain a few pounds and Bam you are done no redemption. Even if you loose it you are mocked and monitored look at Kristy Alley. It is a little different for men they are more respected when they are heavier my friends cousin lost several hundred pounds and had to gain 75 back because it was effecting his job. But in the land of the 15 inch waist of Angelina how dose one make it when you do not. Don't get me wrong I love all she has over come and what she stands for but eat something!!! In my home town they just arrested a couple for not feeding their baby there was a lot to it but one thing I am talking about is they had the Baby in the hospital on Iv's trying to get the weight up and they snatched her out without Dr. consent because she gained a pound in 3 days way less than she needed to gain. Really we look at those poor kids who survived neglect like not being fed and surviving eating the walls and your first thought is that is so sad but they are trim kids. I know we are not all that messed up but it feels that way some times.

       Having been on diets since I was 5 it is hard to look at with optimistic point of view.  But I am committed to making healthy choices not being on a diet. The out look is so much easier for me to enjoy the process along the way. I am also so grateful for the love and support I have revived not pressure at all but the cheering on and understanding has been awesome. So step by step leaf by leaf I walk this road. Trying to be vulnerable and honest along the way.

      I do not want to make this bog all about weight but I am feeling this today so this is today and what I had to say.

Should I stay or should I go now

FOr those that do not know I am Dyslexic, now there are many types of dyslexia mine happenes to be eye hand cowardination on
top of moving letters and numbers around. so sport and physical activity has always been torcher for me. Gym class was a nightmare. Exjock jerks running the class with drill sargent mannerisums and sencitivity of a sociopath. Not exactly the warm friendly place that invited one to try and fail or try and not do as well as you could. To top that off I grew up with a sister who was very athletic and just naturally good at those things. Never able to live up to the sister I admired and so wanted to be like, but never could. I started to view those kind of activities as torcher. Competion became viewed as someone standing over me saying you suck and stomping my throught. So for most of my life  I have avoided those type of activities and became kind of judgmental about those that took part in them. I so had the Revenge of the Nerds view of the world. Oger was going to humiliate me if I ventured out and tried so why try.

I have met a few people that chalenged my mind set people with huge hearts that ran marathons and took on physical chalenges just for the chalenge. A part of me always waited for the inner Jock from the 80's movie to come out and regect me as the art geek or just plain geek. This is so imbarising to actually write down but it is what is going on in my heart every time I choose as a women with more fluff than stuff to step out and face excersize and the riducual I was sure to face. So 4 months ago I asked the Lord to help me with this, I was ready to step out and make some healthier changes start to walk every day I really wanted to. So the next day a friend of ours asks my husband to be a part of the tough mudder. Incase you have never
heard of this it is 10 mile run laced with 25 crazy obsticals that are stupid hard like 12 foot walls not just wall WALLS, run through
fire, climb a greesed half pipe, and elctroshock staion and so much more things I never want to do. So my husband who had never even just taken a walk for fun started to train for this. I was afraid of so many things first that he would change from the loving funny warm hearted man I fell in love with to Oger who would abandon me for a short little beautiful blond bimpo after mocking me to a bloody stain on the floor. Needless to say my part of the "I will do this with you" happened so much less as the fear rose up in me. He would faithful get up almost every day and head to the gym or for a run and I would both cringe and be proud of him waiting for the shoe to drop.

So four months later we are heading for the event. He is all ready to go in full Nacho Libre costume on I tyed off the mask and he runs 3 miles to the starting line of the 10 miles race with 25 obsticals while I pay his parking pull out my chair to watch. I was with my sister, my soul sister and their children. After finding out how far away the start is and registration It slowly dawms on me I am not going to make it all day and my husband just gave me his keys, money and glasses 2 of which he can not drive home with out. I
enjoyed waching the chalenges and seeing people help each other  over very hard things they could not do alone but the stranger or team memeber next to them helped them do it. So my sister takes the kid to find a bathroom while my soul sister and I walking slower start off in what we think is the starting line, but soon becomes more a death march for me in the heat. We flagged down one of the carts driving around and I was going to ask for a ride but as I walk up looking in the eyes of the jocks sitting in it I was
unable to ask my voice shrank backand I froze up and they looked at me and said "we are working no people on the carts." and drove off. In my mind the laugh minacally as they did so.

So we marched on unknown to us taking the longest way posible to the next obstical and I was done. there was shade there so I set up and my soul sister went off to find the kids, my sister, food, water, and the start line. a few min later a clever sassy text for a friend of mine that was uable to come pops into my mind so I go to pull out my phone to find it gone. Alone with jocks and no smart remarts to be typed. I really started to watch I saw a few people I was dreading run by but the majority were people helping each other cheering each other on chalenging and celbrating togeather. I was shocked the first time I saw this at the greezed half pipe but convinced my self they were just helping their friends and it was a fluke. But as I watched the people I noticed some of the strongest people giving a hand to people they odviously did not know. It turns out watching this that the thousands of people who signed up to torcher them selves spent the time helping everyone around them running jumping and over coming fears. It was the best example of comunity I have ever seen. My husband came across a 70ish year old women taking on this chalenge and she was
stuck on a high jump unable to jump down in the water her friends had all asked her to jump with them and jumped she was stuck up there he held out his hand and said I am a super hero jump with me and she did, she let go of her fear and took the leep.

Wow what an example of life and how we are suposed to live.
So sitting on the sun watching this we had to leave before my husband finished I was just a short time away from hitting the ground and not getting up again. Littereally as we went to the parking lot I felt my eyes closing and I was going down. My sister dumped water on my head and the air in the car revived me. When I talked to my husband and I heard all the stories and how he finished I cryed I was never so proud of anyone ever in my life. He then told me he had called my phone and one of the mudders was going to mail it home to me, I hold it in my hand now a few days later.

So now I am left with a chalenge to my Ogger jock look at sports and those that do them. I am left with the chalenge to take up the chalenge and run at the wall trusting someone will be there to catch my arms and help me up.
 Can I venture on to the course?
I  am willing to try I am willing to trembling step by step venture into a world that has mocked me and made me feel small all my life? 
Could this mudder type world be for me too or just for others but I can watch but never be really excpted by.
This is the place I stand do you feel this way in places of your life like all the wall is there and your bloody from running into it but there is no way around it. I feel the thunder as I step on the feild with a close up lens on the camera each blade of grass curling around the shoe the contrast of colors very evedent will I dare to go?