Viva

                               I always had the dream of being an Artist a mad wild hippy woman that had three kids wild and free with names that matched the land and spirits that soared and inspired others to ride the wind and live with gusto. My soul mate would be wild and free, fun and passionate, sportive and encouraging: We would be in love but never have to have to have it on paper never tied down or anchored to anything but attached willingly to some. I would constantly be covered in clay and ink from my projects. We would live in distant lands: simply, but well. The art of life would eb and flow and it would be good. The writing always done by hand never on something  that so bastardized it like a computer, at the very least a type writer. I would  make prints on linen and canvas sculpt in clay and rock built things that moved and inspired, The artist life full of color and simple grandeur. 

                                  I got a few of those things I dreamed of the important ones. I want to think some may still come. I find it funny still that the girl that was going to be so wild and free has been married so long. although it does not feel unfree, it feels more so free in many ways. I miss this girl in the last few years I have been refinding her. I know I feel like I write this often but it is true. I forgot for years about the poems and stories I used to write with a friend and how much I loved it.I was only remembering how much people told me not to do it because of my dyslexia. I could get lost and loved getting lost in two things and that is still true to this day I get lost in writing and Creating art. I love it, I feel the most alive when I do these things. With all the cuts from the broken glass never really bothers me I long for the feel of clay dried and carved wet and pliable molded with my hands twisted into works that mark the heart.

                                I found it funny when I looked at my Myers Brigs personality thing it was so right on the edge of two of the things for the most part I am a ISFP- Introverted Sensing Feeling  Perceiving, I am so strong to the right on all this it is like the classic person for this type, but in the S one I am so close to the middle I could be an N iNtuitive. I sit on the balance of this witch is funny because the one INFP personality is known as the artist, and the other ISPF is known for never loosing their wonder and writing. The two thing I most wanted to do was to write and create.

                              Not even for anyone else just for me. To know that no one else did this just me. I our world it is increasingly hard to find things that have not been done. Everyone wants the cookie cutter the polished perfect thing. I get uncomfortable with too much polish on things on people give me something with some personality with some dents with something other than the norm. I once told my husband if I ever fall into that life with the standard house and the car that looks like everyone else and the  white walls of life medicate of kill me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ridovIfoWdA It's like putting fireflies in a jar, yeah they glow but not as bright and it kills them, I just can't do it. I need color I need different, it is telling to me that the first thing I bought with my very first paycheck was a one of a kind watch from an artist in a little shop in town. I had never seen anything like it.

                                        I still dream of this life and add more of it to my own life now, I hope some day in those far flung places I will find us old and wrinkled and oh so happy. Life is too short be who you are ment to be stop trying to be what everyone else says you should be.

Curiosity

            Ok so how is the world not jumping up and down that we landed on Mars. It's Mars! Really people? Get all geeked out over the moon and the red planet gets no love. I honestly had not even heard they were launching something to go there. Had anyone else? Am I alone in my ignorance? It's not like I check NASA's status everyday to find out what is new in space. I generally just enjoy the stars and the moon.  How cool is it we have a robot on Mars. I have visons of Marvin the Martian and other aliens dancing in my head. but there so far are rocks. sigh, that will have to do for now I guess.

           With the way things go in Sci-FY movies not sure why people would be so excited to meet the aliens and other life forms: with all the butt probing and psycho death war mongering types represented in films. I read a quote from a scientist (I can't remember the name of ) when asked about ET he said "If it is true it is the only time and best example of a secret government has been able to keep.". He makes a good point. I am not sure I believe in ET but I do think it would be cool if there was. Can you imagine? How cool would it be to meet ET for real hiding behind your stuffed animal pile. I may be watching to much Sci-FY, but this is where my mind drifted as I dreamed about being on mars. it all stopped with the image of the guys head exploding as he was pushed into mars' atmosphere, forget the name of that one had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.

                I know it takes a lot of money to do go to Mars and I am even surprised by myself as I honestly love we are still pushing back into discovery. In a world where so much is known, we are still hungry and pushing to know more. Dream on scientist, push back against the tide of Jersey Shore wannabe's and the culture fighting for the bottom of the Heap. Lift up more than body or coolness. Did anyone else see the guy with the Mohawk? That is the Flight Director, Babak Ferdowski. How cool is that? Still rocking personal style and personality but awesome at his job and rock star smart. Why is it the dumb getting lifted up in our culture? Frustrates me. we have smart young people thinking all they are is a body and the dumber the better. Don't we want more for them? Don't we want well rounded people that can think of themselves in more than one term or in more than one set of circumstances? WE are so much a product of what we have been told we are, tell a young person they can't and the majority of them will not.

                   I was listening to a story the other day of a runner from South Africa Oscar Pistorius, was born without fibulas and grew up without anyone setting limits on him he competed in normal sport. Was so good a coach picked him up and he ended up in the paralympics, he was so good there he is now and Olympian competing this week in London. He had to fight with the board and have experts testified that his prosthetic was not an unfair advantage. That's how good he is. What could the young people in your life do if you encouraged them?

Facepalm

                       It is hard for me to write today the day after the day after the vote in WI is done. It should not be so hard but since I love to write about community lifting each other up and inclusiveness when I see a vote that to me symbolizes the turning our back on Women and children our future tossed out. Money from little men that toy and tinker with the world to make it suit them and their pockets to hell with everyone else and their right to education, health and equality: Even to hell with being able to stand up and say this is wrong. It makes it hard for me to write or feel like what I right matters.

                            I have never been particularly proud to be from WI, I admire things about it but pride was never part of that. I honestly have never wanted to live my whole life here a lot of my marriage I have been trying to convince my husband to move, thought that would have been easier since he is not from here. Last year was the first real pride I had in WI seeing hundreds of thousands of peaceful protesters standing up fighting for others. In my experience here that was a rare quality not helping one another but to publicly do so with drums and vigor. There is a lot of neighbor leaning on each other people quietly being kind to one another standing up for this person or that but this was different this was devotion to something bigger than the packers. The thing that makes even the most hardened line backer love being part of a that team with such devotion: being pored out into the community into real life being used for a purpose other then sport idles.

                            The narrative I wanted to hear was that people cared that women were being set back, that people saw education and those giving their lives for other peoples children in more than dollar signs, that jobs were not more important that the strip mines that are going to poison an environment that has been cared for and preserved carefully, that men not even from here that pored money into an election to line there pockets would be seen through and a criminal that pits a states people against each other to concur it would be seen as decisive leading people to remove him and find common ground to tread. (I know huge run on sentence.) Instead I feel like I got bitch slapped with the fact that if you take peoples unsettled fear and uncertainty in life and blame others as the cause you win there devotion for doing so. With general sweeping declarations and fascist actions can win the hearts of a people. It is hard to put a word such a Fascist on to a situation we are in with out seeing Hitler death camps around, or for thinking the person saying this is being dramatic. When you look at that started and what is going on now in our country and my state I can not help but draw the parallels. I think we do not learn from history because we separate it into parts. the war is told here, the camps and repercussions are told there, this is the political time here,   and  the real life of people here. In doing so we strip it of the value we rely on it for to teach us. Germany was ripe for the fascist that took over when they did it was an unsure economic time people had been breaking out of conventional thinking taking on more modern ways, So in swoops this group that plays on their virtues and called people "back" to fiscal responsibility and the way things should be the old ways that worked for people before us "traditional" thinking. Need to retrain the minds hire Joseph Gerbbels to "show and tell" them what the "real" news was Fox news as the Gerbbel propaganda of our day doing the same all Preying on peoples deep insecurities about this new life and that changes happening would not bring new developments and possibly improve their lives no it would lead them to destruction and humiliation. It does not sound that different to me than the tea party people and Walkers brown bag ads.

                               Being an optimist people often seem to think I do not see the world as it is,  to believe better things than I actually see rose colored glasses and all. I long to think that money can not buy every thing or everyone,  people do not what to be lied to by the pied piper or at least recognize the tune and the death it leads too, and  criminals get punished not elected. I know in my heart these things happen regularly but the blatant ones get caught right? I hate the part in the story when it looks like the good person is ground into the dust and there will be no rise to stop the bad. That darkness will not only win but dominate. I cringe at it as much as I hate the sap ending the wraps it all up neat and clean it is so much worse when the bad guy is standing victorious. but I suppose either side of that is an extreme in life. But it how I feel right now. Life will balance out and the world will right it's self right? I suppose that is what the German people who resisted thought as they saw the rising Nazi culture too. (Que the Darth Vador music don don don don da don)

                        

The trench

                               Why is change so friggin hard you think in a world full of flux we would all be so used to it it would seem weird without it. Sigh but it is not that way. I had a friend describe changing habits this way the other day. "we all have ruts in our brains deep ways we do everything in our lives. as we try to change those we are digging new ones it is easy to slip back into the old ones." I like a loath that idea: it describes how uncomfortable we feel while making the changes but also leaves us in a pit once in a while. this oddly has given me new motivation. As the idea of being confined in a trench in my mind is not appealing to me. not many pleasant things happen in a pit or trenches for that matter.

                               Change is a part of who we are or should be. I love the commercial with the grown man with the bike helmet on on one of those push scooters saying these streets are all I have ever known.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnCSY8YHDEA
It cracks me up because what if we all had chosen to stay there? With every new thing we do there is risk but the risk of being a 40 year old living like that guy is so much greater. We would miss out on so much of life if we let it.

The Others

           I have been thinking this morning about a challenge a friend of mine made to me to think of  the 10 things that are most important to me. with all the things going in politics here in WI and around our country I am thinking of Arizona and North Carolina as I write this One jumps to mind I wanted to share here. I have been noticing it all day in looking at the propaganda posts of all sides the cartoons and "news" posts is that the old ways are still effective. Making some one other than us makes them distant and then we can cast all our fear and negativity on them. It is dangerous in my mind to do so all propaganda has started this way all hate lives here. When someone is unlike us we distrust them because after all if they had the same information as us they would believe as we do, and if they do have the same information they must be stupid or evil wanting destruction of us all.

                 Look at the stereo types placed in cultures The Indians wanted to kill us, the Micks were rats taking over. IN our own day look what is said about people that are Arab, Black, or of Hispanic decent in the name of saving our people / protecting our borders or gay marriage. They are going to bring the destruction of us all. We will live in jejad, and the Mexicans are going to over run us, and the gays will bring about the down fall of marriage. The call for this is is that they are other than us they are not like us, their values are different so they are flawed. This has all been said before Russians in the cold war, the Irish in the turn of the century were going to over run our nation The end of slavery and Jim crow laws were going to bring down our economy and letting couples from other faiths or races marry was going to bring down the institution it self.

                               If the border thing is so true why is it always the southern border we worry about I am closer to the Canadian border both our our allies there are as many Canadian people here illegally as any other.  No one disparages the  pick up hockey team from there, or the very polite people at the coffee shop, But the very polite people buy salsa are so different? The equality of all people in our nation has done so much to enrich our lives as a people so many people from other cultures have added to us as a people not taken away.

         Couples inter marry with other religions and races (my self being one) and very live happy lives. This was not so in just the generation before us. Hundreds of thousands of Arab people live in our country and want it to do well for their children and them selves because it is their land too. That actions of a few horrible people should not taint our view of all people. Most serial killers have been white do other people need to worry that we will go all Dexter on them?
              The moment we make someone different from our selves an "other" it makes it ok to do things say things we could not do when we see them as our selves as valuable. It allows fear to rule us, fear makes a poor ruler. If someone is valuable even if they are different from us, if not only that but they can offer us a wider view of the world then we hold in our singular look at it. Giving perspective and wisdom to us that other wise would be lost showing things we would not want to see or would gloss over, makes us stronger. It takes hate out of it. How can you hate someone like you how can you hate one of us. Hate never rings perspective never brings growth it keeps one trapped. I listened to a TEd talk the other day about being wrong and the one thing that stood out to me in it is that being wrong has no feeling it feels very much like being right, till we are proven wrong. If all we do is hang out with those like us there is so much we could be wrong about and never know. I am a firm believer Love wins every time Love is stronger than hate. In Love for others there is not room for making someone other than your self they are like you human. Love can cast out fear, there is no reasoning with fear and hate. It does not make us free it enslaves us limits who are as a people: makes who we will be smaller then who we could be. Both as a nation a people and human-beings.

Paradox

I am still so distracted about the trip next year I put pictures every where on the computer it is my cover picture my screen saver my wall paper. I have gone southern mad. I am not sure what it is about the south I loved visiting there as a child the glossed over history and the dark underbelly, beautiful flowers plants air plants that add mystique, old plantations beautiful and sad with history of oppression, The beaches and wildlife, the iron work and just how different it feels from here. I love it! I am so excited to get to go there and see a house that belonged to an 3 or 4 time great grandfather of mine. Tom has been wanting to take me there since we found out the place existed. I was not sure I wanted to be do really want to see it see where they walked see where they lived what they were like.

                    It is weird to think of them being slave owners and doing horrible things that went with that. Finding my family history has been both very fun and not so much all at the same time because of finding people like that in my past where their lives were fascinating yet they were not people of great moral values. May be more a product of their times but it still feels wrong to a person who believes in freedom and honoring and respecting others so much. This will be the first time I have been back down south since I have known about this I wonder if it will change my view. AS a child the drama of gone with the wind filled my head with the dreams of a different time. I did a hell of Scarlet impression, my mom loved it got me out of a lot of tuff spots. But as I grew older and learned the history I was so embarrassed of how much I loved it. There is so much good about the south not just the food but that is high on the list. the music and richness lives there Alligators and dolphins. so much history and so much new that is good too. I don't know if I will ever get over my love of the south but I am in good company so many artists and musicians never have either. There was a part of the book I was reading with my book club that talked about paradox and how that is where interest lives spark of life, I think the south is that for me. So much beauty so much darkness so much life so many ghost tours. (Hee hee hee ) I am excited to see how I see this word as an adult and see it for the first time in my husbands eyes.

Messy

I was thinking today about the romance of things and how that romantic idea sometimes stops us from actually injoying life. Confused ok let me elaberate.

I love the romance of fishing the boat the water relecting

the sky the silence with just the ripples of water on the boat sides. the gental sway of the water rising and falling as the sun kisses your skin:  a soft breeze adds just the right amount of freshness. The struggle with the fish as he fights for his life and the fishermen or women struggle to land the massive fish.

that sanitarily lands on your plate with sauce on the side, and little Baby potaoes browned just slightly on the side.

This is a noble idea of fishing that longers in my brain the reality of fishing in my minds eye is that you get on a smelling boat with water in the bottem and the bugs swarm you as you make your way out to where you are going to fish at you swat away the hords of bug the humming of them never stops and the spead boat runs past almost knocking your som much smaller boat over. You cast out and catch nothing but manage to feed the fish as you bait flies way as you cast. So you pull it back in, as you are putting the new bait on you stab your self with the hook and start to bleed.

 As your casting you catch it on the tree behind you. You struggle to get it out of the tree limb it breaks loose hitting the shirt of the person who is with you. finally you make it into the river with bait in place.

The sun beats down on you breakign through the 5 LB of sunscrean you put on and bakes you like a cake. The bobble bobs down you wait knowing the fish will be back the bobber goes onder and you jerk up on the line snaggin what feels like a huge monster under the water. as you fight to ge tthe fish in when the water gives way and the fish shows Himself to you. He turns out to be too small to keep and he must go back in. So at the end of the day of fishing after you stop at the emergancy room for a quick tenis shotand a few quick stitches on your thumb that would not stop bleeding. from the rust hook that ripped you thumb open and a target stop for the shirt you need to replace from the same hook. you have to gut the fish just bairly big enough to keep with smell and funky stuff ripped out of said fish and put it into the freezer. As you dial for pizza because the thought of fish is making you ill at the moment. Now you might think this is an exageration but these are all actulual fishing memories for me except I think we stopped at JC Pennies not Target for the shirt in full desclosure.

This is what I mean about the romance of the thing destroying the actuall idea of the activity. HAs that ever happened to you? I face this all the time In my mind Life is like a Movie perfectly framed and plotted for every screan there is never any Bugs tring to kill you so they can brag to their Bug buddies. (Yeah that is right I implied Bugs are gangs waiting to kill you. ) there is never offencive oders or sweat in places I may get banned for mentioning. you may glisten with a little sweat on the brow but nothing more. WE may face a trail in our life experiance a huge loss but by the next 3 sceans or 2 hours that is done it will not change the essance of who you are for years.

But life is not like that Life is grit in your teeth as you fight through heart break and sturggles. Some times in life when I am most on track and doing what I know I am made for is when I feel the least sure of my self the confidant in what I am doing because the dream in my head interfears with the reality of what that actally fleshes out to be is unrecognisable. I have been bleassed in my life to have many of the things I dreamed of as a girl I have a quirky group of friends that are fun and funny yet deep and real some newer some older I planned my life with as a geeky preteen girl. I have a hot hubby with an acent from a forine land and a heart that should be on display some where the most beautiful I have ever seen: He loves me like crazy for which I have no explination. We may not have much as far as things and cars but we have what we need.

I think about the romatic notions that could make me dissatisfied with my life yeah we can not aford a lot of things trips are years apart and new things are few and far between. I do not get to see my friends daily or weekly for that matter but I do see them often. We have not been able to have children and my health has not been the best. I could micro scope in on the things that anoy me about my husband. But what would this get me? My life may not be an ideal picture on a post card or even make a good christmas letter. I did that one year sat down to writeout a chirstmas letter because we just felt so great and I had time so I did and when I went to the standered form of what people write int he letters It was the most depressing thing I have ever read. It was wierd to me how different it felt vs. how it read. So I choose life the real grit and strif hopes and crushing blows bad smells and sunburns and all. The romancic ideal or ideal just numb you to the treasure that actually awaits int he failing and struggle of real life.

I had a friend of mine described the grossness of birth with the water breaking the blood the poop and guts that come with birthing a baby, If that is how we come into the world how can we expect to live a life other than how we entered it. messy.
But we wait don't we: we wait till the Baby is all washed up with the blanket wrapped just so and the little yamica hat babies wear is on their head and sleeping 

so there is no crying in the picture. There was even a huge up roar over the artist Jill Greenberg the took candy away from children to
capture the pure sadness.

People were out raged! Not that life is always sad or hard but Those times and the hard parts make the joy so much brighter. If we sanitize the bad we will not ever feel the joy and contentment of Life. It has been my experiance that as I face things things look them in the eye brings so much more than the disapointment and beating our selves up for wrecking the image.

We are so obsesed with the romance of things sanitizing things into beautiful picture  that leave so many feeling inadiquit. Reality is relity the messy is life. You cna be Lerical and build a pretty picture and dramatise it all you want and I love me a good dramatisation, but real is real the rest is just going to rob you of life and happiness.