even if you shake

Ugh I fell like I write this all the time. I get so down on my self when I can't find anything interesting to write about. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer when the world rears up an gut checks me I loose all perspective. I for get each of us has a view that is like no other my view is my own and sharing it helps me sort it but also allows others to share their views and perspective widening my own giving me a better view than my navel I have been pondering with the limited view life gives. I may not shatter the earth with my brilliance/ quirky voice but I will at least speak.

I was listening to a poet today called Sarah Kay her ted talk, at the end she recited her poem and in it she was talking about Hiroshima and the blast burning the rocks and evaporating the people in the blast and the rocks being burnt except where the people had shielded it with there bodies leaving a white mark of their out line, a positive image. I want that, not to be vaporized but to leave a positive mark. it does not have to be big it can just be an out line but I want when the world finally vaporizes me for the mark that is left is of where I blocked the darkness. for some part to remain where the darkness of life can not take over that because I was here because I spoke because I had the courage to be who I was made to be.

God that sounds good, right? Sounds like someone so full of optimism you would think the world never touched them with darkness that light just free flows from their eyes and finger tips rather than the anxiety laden person who doesn't have the patience to wait for the page to load so she plays a game while she does everything person actually writing this. But is the truth of how I feel inside, no matter how much soul crushing radiative ash making crap life brings this is all I have. Don't get me wrong I have some very good things in my life I would not give up the relationships experiences and things that have formed me into this neurotic women I am, but all I own in my life is that. I can own my voice I can own the time I place into loving well. I may not be the most brilliant my words may be spoken better by others but the uniqueness that is me can not. SO I am going to stand on the words of a person I forgot who they were but not what they said that said speak even if your voice shakes in the hopes that someday even if they can not name me my words will bring that kind of courage to someone else.

Talking Russian Monkey

                                               I was thinking today about the messages we receive. The cold war with Russia has been over for decades hell the country that was the embodiment of every villain I grew up with as a child of the US does not even exist any more. Yet most times in my dream when there is a villain or someone to be suspicious of they have a heavy Russian accent. The messages of  childhood implanted so deep in my brain that more years of my life have past since I heard those message but still happened when the monkey tells me to do something in my dream with a thick Russian accent I stop and think there is something wrong going on here: Not just because it is a talking monkey that never entered into it it was the accent that tipped me to the problem. Made me wonder about all the messages we receive I have not met many Russian people but the ones I have have been wonderful.  If I think about it the Borg freak me out so much more than any people on Earth ever could, Do the actions of a few people or their leaders have the right to dictate how we see a people as a whole? There should be no reason this reaction still plagues my dreams. I think this is something to think about. Even if talking monkeys and the Borg seem more fun to think about.

                                       

                                         These things in movies and on TV did not seem a big deal to me then and honestly till I could not shake the Russian monkey today I had not thought much about it it just was what it seemed part of what was happening in the world right they were just being topical, relevant. Weren't they? Maybe but how much was true and how much was fear and propaganda? Are the people we having conflict with really as we see them or does our conflict by it's nature distort our view of things. Where anything they do is filtered through the our pain and defenses. Bring this down to a personal level out of the realm of nations if Mo and I bump into each other and our relationship is fine then no big deal but if mo and I bump into each other and we had just had a fight or are having a strain in some way on our relationship real or imagined then there are motives attached to it and I am going to give her a piece of my mind and the heads and fingers start to wag. right? both are the same action but the feel of it is different for us. I would say that I think of that feeling that motive is the same thing as war propaganda put out by other nations. someone move in or upgrades there shoes (or weapons) next to us and if we are ok with them we are like OMG I love your shoes can I get a closer look? BUT if we are not ok with them we are like OMG did you see those shoes really you think you can pull them off. who do you think you are? our own personal propaganda. Take a step back they are just a nice pair of shoes no more no less in the other example it is just a bump no more no less.

                                              Rather than taking a situation for what it is we make it more than it has to be. rather than asking if everything is ok and having some hard conversations with people we accuse and build our propaganda against them. I can say I am not above doing this I have had a hard time learning this to slow down and ask more questions not thinking I know what is going on all the time. This does not mean every situation is going to be great or easy but it does let you into the other persons point of view and can lead to better understanding of each other and a deeper relationship. I can't say I have mastered this or anything but I am working on this not easy change for me to make I come from a long line of propaganda makers but I am working on it.

Nourish

I have been working on a healthier life for my self and have found it interesting how much I try to make my self suffer for it. Not just in depriving my self, contrary to popular belief people who weight more than they are supposed to do medicate with food but also are very much into making them selves suffer in it.   I found a saying the other day that is sticking with me. Fear makes you cling to the strangest things. This is true in this fear of failing makes me not eat all I am supposed to eat of the good things and when I do this that makes me spin off into unhealthy behaviors. This is so true for me in life not just trying to be healthy.

                   I wonder what life would really be like if I treated my self well nourished my self well and lived well. not extravagantly that would just be uncomfortable for me but well. I am on a mission to find out taking what I need not just the scraps I allow my self out of a lack of care or business really taking time to care and do what is right for a good life. Even writing that I feel the need to disclaim about not being selfish and self centered how sad is that. Just taking time to actually take care twists in my head to being something abhorrent to me. (sigh) Maybe one day this will be second nature to me but as for now I am setting alarms to eat lunch take a break in the after noon to stretch and enjoy 10 min minimum to care for my self. I am hoping making these appointments with my self is a good step in the right direction.

The trench

                               Why is change so friggin hard you think in a world full of flux we would all be so used to it it would seem weird without it. Sigh but it is not that way. I had a friend describe changing habits this way the other day. "we all have ruts in our brains deep ways we do everything in our lives. as we try to change those we are digging new ones it is easy to slip back into the old ones." I like a loath that idea: it describes how uncomfortable we feel while making the changes but also leaves us in a pit once in a while. this oddly has given me new motivation. As the idea of being confined in a trench in my mind is not appealing to me. not many pleasant things happen in a pit or trenches for that matter.

                               Change is a part of who we are or should be. I love the commercial with the grown man with the bike helmet on on one of those push scooters saying these streets are all I have ever known.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnCSY8YHDEA
It cracks me up because what if we all had chosen to stay there? With every new thing we do there is risk but the risk of being a 40 year old living like that guy is so much greater. We would miss out on so much of life if we let it.

The Others

           I have been thinking this morning about a challenge a friend of mine made to me to think of  the 10 things that are most important to me. with all the things going in politics here in WI and around our country I am thinking of Arizona and North Carolina as I write this One jumps to mind I wanted to share here. I have been noticing it all day in looking at the propaganda posts of all sides the cartoons and "news" posts is that the old ways are still effective. Making some one other than us makes them distant and then we can cast all our fear and negativity on them. It is dangerous in my mind to do so all propaganda has started this way all hate lives here. When someone is unlike us we distrust them because after all if they had the same information as us they would believe as we do, and if they do have the same information they must be stupid or evil wanting destruction of us all.

                 Look at the stereo types placed in cultures The Indians wanted to kill us, the Micks were rats taking over. IN our own day look what is said about people that are Arab, Black, or of Hispanic decent in the name of saving our people / protecting our borders or gay marriage. They are going to bring the destruction of us all. We will live in jejad, and the Mexicans are going to over run us, and the gays will bring about the down fall of marriage. The call for this is is that they are other than us they are not like us, their values are different so they are flawed. This has all been said before Russians in the cold war, the Irish in the turn of the century were going to over run our nation The end of slavery and Jim crow laws were going to bring down our economy and letting couples from other faiths or races marry was going to bring down the institution it self.

                               If the border thing is so true why is it always the southern border we worry about I am closer to the Canadian border both our our allies there are as many Canadian people here illegally as any other.  No one disparages the  pick up hockey team from there, or the very polite people at the coffee shop, But the very polite people buy salsa are so different? The equality of all people in our nation has done so much to enrich our lives as a people so many people from other cultures have added to us as a people not taken away.

         Couples inter marry with other religions and races (my self being one) and very live happy lives. This was not so in just the generation before us. Hundreds of thousands of Arab people live in our country and want it to do well for their children and them selves because it is their land too. That actions of a few horrible people should not taint our view of all people. Most serial killers have been white do other people need to worry that we will go all Dexter on them?
              The moment we make someone different from our selves an "other" it makes it ok to do things say things we could not do when we see them as our selves as valuable. It allows fear to rule us, fear makes a poor ruler. If someone is valuable even if they are different from us, if not only that but they can offer us a wider view of the world then we hold in our singular look at it. Giving perspective and wisdom to us that other wise would be lost showing things we would not want to see or would gloss over, makes us stronger. It takes hate out of it. How can you hate someone like you how can you hate one of us. Hate never rings perspective never brings growth it keeps one trapped. I listened to a TEd talk the other day about being wrong and the one thing that stood out to me in it is that being wrong has no feeling it feels very much like being right, till we are proven wrong. If all we do is hang out with those like us there is so much we could be wrong about and never know. I am a firm believer Love wins every time Love is stronger than hate. In Love for others there is not room for making someone other than your self they are like you human. Love can cast out fear, there is no reasoning with fear and hate. It does not make us free it enslaves us limits who are as a people: makes who we will be smaller then who we could be. Both as a nation a people and human-beings.

Flying death monkeys

                                   Bees are like beans we all know we need them one to pollinate flowers the other to unclutter our insides. But one is a flying death and the other causes moments we all rather would not have. I do not how ever hold the same hate for beans that I hold for bees. Beans can improved in flavor by spices and other things, Bees can not. People always say we can learn so much from bees  they are hard workers well organized. But there other lessons To learn too.
     
                            Bees have a life span of about 1 year but physiologically they could live 5 to 6 years. They work them selves to death they limit their intake to only what is necessary when leaving to get pollen. I am not advocating for gluttony or laziness, just taking care of our selves. Rather than just suffering with hunger in some attempt to loose weight rather find a healthy thing have, moderation in all things but constantly depriving your self is not good. I am not talking about eating healthy and doing what is good for your body I am talking about waiting just a little longer than you have to to eat or drink something not just once in a while but regularly. some would call this disciplined others self control. this last week I have been looking at how I treat my self I have strive to be kind  loving others and compassionate this how ever I have not applied to my self.

                                  In the bible there is a quote that says love your neighbor as you love your self. The traditional view of this is that we treat our selves so well and others so poor. How ever it is clear to me no one is harder on us than us. Even to deep down meanest of us is harder on them selves. We beat our selves and starve our selves from things that are good for us things we need to live. Why would we not be kind to our selves treat our selves as we would treat our best friend or an honored guest. Why does that feel selfish to respect our selves. I have no answers in this I am struggling to find it my self. I guess it calls me back to  the tattoo I got a few years ago it says learning to live loved. that has meant many things over time. but learning to actually implementing it for my self has been spotty at best. I think it is something that we need to do for our selves so that we can treat others as we treat our selves or will be doing disservice to both.

The thief

Wanted for theft the subject shown is crafty and adept at thievery. Her specialty is Socks however she does branch out into kitchen towels she also has been known to dabble in tissue box emptying.

 If you find her approach carefully the subject is known to evade being taken into custody by licking and snuggling till you are neutralized. the subject answers to the name of Lucy, or Lu. 

I had to give props to my Lu for all her efforts I found so many socks in the couch today I am surprised we have any left. In fact it has been so nice out there have been no socks latly I found about 3 kitchen towels too. Honestly I know she does it but have yet to catch the crafty girl in the act.

Paradox

I am still so distracted about the trip next year I put pictures every where on the computer it is my cover picture my screen saver my wall paper. I have gone southern mad. I am not sure what it is about the south I loved visiting there as a child the glossed over history and the dark underbelly, beautiful flowers plants air plants that add mystique, old plantations beautiful and sad with history of oppression, The beaches and wildlife, the iron work and just how different it feels from here. I love it! I am so excited to get to go there and see a house that belonged to an 3 or 4 time great grandfather of mine. Tom has been wanting to take me there since we found out the place existed. I was not sure I wanted to be do really want to see it see where they walked see where they lived what they were like.

                    It is weird to think of them being slave owners and doing horrible things that went with that. Finding my family history has been both very fun and not so much all at the same time because of finding people like that in my past where their lives were fascinating yet they were not people of great moral values. May be more a product of their times but it still feels wrong to a person who believes in freedom and honoring and respecting others so much. This will be the first time I have been back down south since I have known about this I wonder if it will change my view. AS a child the drama of gone with the wind filled my head with the dreams of a different time. I did a hell of Scarlet impression, my mom loved it got me out of a lot of tuff spots. But as I grew older and learned the history I was so embarrassed of how much I loved it. There is so much good about the south not just the food but that is high on the list. the music and richness lives there Alligators and dolphins. so much history and so much new that is good too. I don't know if I will ever get over my love of the south but I am in good company so many artists and musicians never have either. There was a part of the book I was reading with my book club that talked about paradox and how that is where interest lives spark of life, I think the south is that for me. So much beauty so much darkness so much life so many ghost tours. (Hee hee hee ) I am excited to see how I see this word as an adult and see it for the first time in my husbands eyes.