The Fallin

I have been sick for a number of days with the flu, my inflammation has been so bad it swelled up my ears so I could not hear. My energy has been zapped and I have been unable to do much other than watch Netflix on my Kindle Fire because even though my ears were swelled almost shut, if I put the little attachment speaker to my ear I could hear it. So, I started watching The Guardian, it looked interesting and had Simon Baker in it so that made it worth a look worst case scenario I get to watch Simon Baker.

                           The story is interesting in this show, it is about a man Nick Fallin who lost his mother when he was very young and was left with a father who had no idea what to do with him so he sent him away to a Boarding School. He was left alone with no one and ended up making a success of his life on the outside, great corporate lawyer but his life was out of control, he was into drugs and was caught but because of who his dad was he was given probation and community service in a non for profit law firm that fights for children and the disadvantaged people.
He is a very good lawyer and does an excellent job but his goal to start is to do his time and sees money as a very big solution for the people. He runs from one to the other, so hurried, not able to take it in, overwhelmed by life and the pressures of two full time jobs now, one with hard detail work, the other one with hard to deal with facts. The battle for his time it's a huge conflict between the corporate work and the work he finds interesting even if he will not admit it. The lack of ability to conceit to his father and others is so painfull to watch. The stories of the kids mirror his own life and being shut down emotionally, he has a hard time connecting to it on the surface to anyone let alone the threads being pulled on his heart, he feels everything very deeply. Every time he seems to get it together he blows it up, his life, his job, everything. He is unwilling to look at his problem seeing him self as being in control until it just becomes so clear he can't look at it anymore but unequipped to deal with it, he hits rock bottom, finally finds some help but some things are too broken to fix and he has lost everything he finds, all he has left is to fight for what it's right and do what he can to be a better man. I hope I did not wreck it for you. I tried to be vague so if you want to watch it you still can without a spoiler bothering you.

                                        I found this such a gripping story for life in general, at least for me, life has seemed this way for a while. I functioned well on the outside looking like I had it together to some degree, playing the game; it's just business right. Playing by what everyone expects of you, ticking the boxes, moving along on the path made for you until it became clear to me when my body gave out sending me on what seemed like a fall. I could not stomach, the road the was killing me inside and it started to show more, the more I tried to patch here and patch there, trying to work and just make it through my probation time, I failed to see the heart vs. expectations, I made the wrong choices sometimes and other times made the right ones. Not making the connections in front of me, being human and hating it, making the responsible choice, wanting to be this person I could just never seem to be or how to get there. Unable to know what to do with the awakening of my heart and all that brought, feeling more like the bring to life of my soul was more of a problem than healing.

The circumstances of everyone's life is different but we all face the choice of shutting down and going along or doing what feeds our souls.

                   Being in a basic isolation tank for going on three weeks with a sermon for a series bring to light many things I had not seen in myself or at least in this way. Everyone gives up on the one that acts out and can't go along. It takes courage to stand with others and love them when you can't understand their reaction because you have not walked their steps. A few good people will stand up if you are lucky. The scenarios for the placement of each in bad situations, some seem unfair, some seem to punish the victim, others reward the offender. Everyone deserves a life, everyone has someone fighting for them even if they do not like the place they end up. The Guardian's job is to do with diligence, to know where the best place is for each one and make a recommendation for their care. For a while I have hated watching so many people suffer feeling like the system of life failed them. Not liking where they were placed even when they are doing their best circumstances and wounds both their own and others just changed what should have been.

For no good reason talented and amazing people I knew lost and suffered, I saw the connection to my own losses, not that I put myself on the same platform as they were, they were great. I just was here serving my sentence. I find my self seeing this with a different view today having the sermon of the show making it to my heart. I could be OK, I could get along and join the normal wave that appears to look better, more prestigious while dying inside changing who I am, not being able to take a genuine face value because I feel so twisted, there has to be another motive. Living in a world that does not know me because the "Me, I am" is a threat to that world being ok for me.

Or I can sacrifice it all, sacrifice the image of myself and what I wanted it to look like and live, really live with an open heart without protecting myself, just being me. doing what makes me passionate and what I was made for. The whole "Me" meeting the "Me I used to show the world" and blending of the two being the true self I was made to be, To live fully. I choose to live even if it means having less, when it means. I will be embarrassed. I care so much, But happy.

Bring down a thug!!!!!!

                           Years ago I heard of night walkers children walking the night to not be taken captive and made to be solders and sex slaves for war lords in Africa. I was devastated to know there were people out there who would do this to young children. We hear please like these so often heart breaking situations that are worlds away oceans separate us more than  cultures or languages do. It is so much easier to turn it off or not hear about it than to know and stay with the feeling that there is nothing we can do about it. An impotence comes with that heart break but inability to actually effect a change.

                               For two or 3 days I have been seeing this mans face all over facebook from different people those that would in real life have no reason or place to have met each other unless I brought them together. I found it interesting but I do not often watch or read things a lot of people post like this because Like the video of the man who shot his daughter computer I just don't want to engage in conversations about it because people tend to not like my views. So if I do not see it I do not have too have that conversation. Because opinions about things such as Dad should actually talk to his child not publicly shame her with a violent act of shooting her computer are not really well revived by all. Even after I watched an interview where I watched him intimidate his Daughter shut her up belittle her and answer for her. Ya know stuff like that. 

                           How ever Today I watched this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

and encourage you to do so also. There are a few action steps we can do to bring down this lower than life thug will you join me?  Even in looking up this video to put on there I came across peoples videos that said "Who cares I live in 'merica" REally?! We are the greatest nation on earth because we do care. Would you want someone to care that your child was so unsafe they had to roam the night to be safe. What a short sided narrow view of the world you live in It makes us all smaller when this happens anywhere! WE are the human race the moment we stop looking at that and valuing that we become less than that. Then people like this man Kony win.

The Desert Place

Oh, Monday can be such a bitch when she wants to be. Woke up to hear of yet another friend that is at the breaking point if not beyond that. My heart breaks for them, so many reaching for hope to find none. The person struggling with illness only to find more and more  different types of illnesses coming their way. The couple trying and trying for children only to loose one after another. There is nothing to say, there are no words that seem big enough, no actions seem to fit. It is killing my certitudes about life. I am Sue Heck at the core of who I am, I watched "The Middle" for the first time and knew, the girl who gets so excited to be a part of something and never makes it but has a bounce back rate of like mine is being tortured in me.

                          We have lost so much in the last years; I lost my health, my job, our house, my husbands job, my family and our money. We gained a few things. I would never never want to be without, we gained friends that are family to us. My husband found a job that he loves even if it pays just slightly above what he made on unemployment from the other one, and a deep deep appreciation for Jesus and a more honest relationship with him.
                         I mourn the things I lost. I have always been the Sue with an optimism that could not be kept down, that is fading a bit more to the side of being a slave to hope. I think it might be easier to be without but can't drop. I never was unaware of the bad like most people thought I was. I just chose to not entertain it. But when I go dark, I go very dark.

                     There are those that pull out the Christian phrases and Bible verses that seem in time of hardships; just mock and make one feel less than because "why is that not be true for me?"

       Or the GCB's in life gloating over people's pain because it proves them to be not worthy or flawed. It is hard to sit in pain with people, so much easier to sit in celebration with those celebrating. Facing the hard life sucking soul crushing things that everyone comes in contact with sooner or later is the things nightmares are made of.  This is why people feel so lonely in the face of the big ugly in life.
                            The end of certitudes in my life has been so hard on me. It is so much easier to cling to behaviors and rules of life; "if I do this this will happen" and if it does not then the beating of ourselves up at least gives us something to do in the face of it rather than the void of "I did what I was supposed to" and it still crushed. I mean there are things that have no reason when you do a + b you get c, but, What do you do when you add it up and it comes out duck, not even a freaking letter? There is no reason it should not be working, every story has an ark, right? It can't just keep plummeting. I have no answers for that. I can no longer say "I know",  there is much firm ground left. It is hard for me to go to this place. I have struggled to go to the sparkly happy twirly bow on it through writing  this whole thing: making the grand Disney ending we all long for: the Hallmark movie we could all write when we were 10 but love and watch anyway. I seriously every other sentence wanted to write the but now answer for it all. What does one do when there is none?

                                       Yes, Jesus will be with the person and us walking them through it. But to hurry through just to make others or your self more comfortable robs us and belittles the person going through it. Sometimes all one can do is sit next to the fire with the person in it, and when the time is right offer a little distraction and a lot of prayers. I have to say right now that sucks, I want to do more. To have answers that really work, some boot strap to offer that isn't busted off yet from pulling trying to get up. I am rung dry of tears and starved for the Knight in white saving at least one person I know from this breaking . Someone, anyone that is not kicked to death once they are down. I am left with so little answers and so many more questions.

                                     Sorry, this is so dark. I hate this view and fear the vulnerability of saying this and conclusions people will make of it. I felt I needed to say this and get it out of my head. The desert in life is not a fun place to be but there is life there. I look at the world God created for quest of life, the lush jungles are great but not without struggle, mountain meadows no one sees and think our lives are much like the land spaces God made but the desert place is such a hard place dotted with so few oasis . Be one for someone starving for it today while prayers that seem more like begging than firm ground it used to feel like. Certitude is starved but continues to cling to life and the Father holding all of you close.

I am not sure why it is so hard to talk about weight not like anyone looking at me would be like OMG I never noticed how did you hide it all these years. It has been a sensitive subject for me for years not that I am afraid to talk about it, but when you randomly get assaulted by people verbally for it in public it becomes an issue. No seriously I have had people run across rooms down blocks and be held back like a person in a fight trying to "help" me: it is not helpful. If you are doing helpful hints to strangers in public to those who do not ask you word of advice unsolicited hints are not advice they are critique and damaging. Stop it!  Also a word to those who tease to help someone make a change Stop it! Last group if you are at the same group to loose weight or make a change you are in no position to judge other that are there for the same, enjoy the comradeship leave the I need to make my self feel better by by mocking and cutting others down at home.
These thing do make it hard to be vulnerable about where you are and the struggle to change, and no not exaggerating real examples and more behind all.

     Sorry sorry. In this day and age it is the thing you do not want to be is Fat. You can be a drug user you can be an abuser all that but fat even gain a few pounds and Bam you are done no redemption. Even if you loose it you are mocked and monitored look at Kristy Alley. It is a little different for men they are more respected when they are heavier my friends cousin lost several hundred pounds and had to gain 75 back because it was effecting his job. But in the land of the 15 inch waist of Angelina how dose one make it when you do not. Don't get me wrong I love all she has over come and what she stands for but eat something!!! In my home town they just arrested a couple for not feeding their baby there was a lot to it but one thing I am talking about is they had the Baby in the hospital on Iv's trying to get the weight up and they snatched her out without Dr. consent because she gained a pound in 3 days way less than she needed to gain. Really we look at those poor kids who survived neglect like not being fed and surviving eating the walls and your first thought is that is so sad but they are trim kids. I know we are not all that messed up but it feels that way some times.

       Having been on diets since I was 5 it is hard to look at with optimistic point of view.  But I am committed to making healthy choices not being on a diet. The out look is so much easier for me to enjoy the process along the way. I am also so grateful for the love and support I have revived not pressure at all but the cheering on and understanding has been awesome. So step by step leaf by leaf I walk this road. Trying to be vulnerable and honest along the way.

      I do not want to make this bog all about weight but I am feeling this today so this is today and what I had to say.

From Chocolate to Kale...Honestly KALE!

OK so I am back, I feel so silly about letting discouraging things and not valuing my voice and trusting I may have something silly if not interesting to say get in the way of posting. So what do I have to say for today?

I have been making striving for healthy living a thing in my life my whole life not just food but that is where I am starting talking about here. I took some advice from an expert on the Anderson show because it struck me as fitting my personality. Rather than depriving my self of the sugar I craved I scheduled it. Between 2 and 3 every day I would indulge in sugar/ sweets, also if some one offered I had to take and eat one. Had to...  I was weary of it at first and though at least this would be a really great holiday season this year. The first week was like oh yeah this is nice a little treat during the day no guilt for the first time ever. It was required so why beat your self up. Then Christmas came and I was so grateful for friends who actually eat well and the sweet count was not as high as I had thought. this was new mind set for me in it almost found my self begging in my mind just set the cookies or sweet bread down don't offer me any! Some times they did some times not. As the weeks and parties went on I found less and less delight in seeing something yummy brought out. I still appreciated the care and love that went into it and the taste but the duty to eat it was the WAh WAh  to my delight of the goodness..  I was still ok with sweets on new years holidays rocks come valentines day OMG I wanted salad! I wanted lentils (odd because I hate Lentils)! I was googling kale for gods sake. I started this last week after feel like I torturer  my self for several months with the the very thing I wanted so desperately to give up. I actually tossed out over half of my birthday cake first time ever for me doing that I just could not eat another bite.

           I have a dear friend that is doing weight watchers with a group of the most fab women ever and invited little old me!  For support hints venting celebrating and just general love. I am going to join weight watchers but have not yet I feel like such a fraud being in their support each other group (it does not start with hello my name is..) because I have yet to join. :/  I am really going in but I felt I had to walk out this thing I started to have the revolting of the sweets to keep me from falling back in old habits while I am bring me ones in to replace them.  So honestly I cheat in the best possible way at this time longing for raw snow peas while eating a cookie. Really it is true all my pinterest has switched from cake to smoothies and salad (healthy smoothies not even made with sugar one not the shakes made with ice cream you are calling smoothy so you can drink it with out guilt).

               So cut to this last week went I finally had had it with it. I freaked out about needing a salad to the surprised of my husband. The self whipping with millano cookies had to end or someone was going to get it. But the problem we still have a few remaining landmines in the house of very unopened bag of  good cookies and 3 servings of ice cream. I already  threw out my birthday cake can I really do this with the rest? I am hostage by my thrift in not wanting to waist but can not bring my self to bite one more spoon of it. Guilt and delight in eating it is replaced with revolting at the thought. Win I think for me today anyway.

                               Can this actually be working for me? Could it be that my discomfort with routine is so strong it has turned me against ice cream? That has yet to be seen but I am trusting the changes in my attitude for it will help. I also had a huge revelation the other day in eating my feelings which has always been the case for me. I had a very painful thing happen while I was in my forced sweets time. I made the connection between not going to a soother rather that facing the problem head one and dealing was the adult thing. I had never striven to be an adult the stuffy women of 1900 is what that brings to mind for me think the Dowager on Downtown Abby pinky raised at high tea and all. Not appealing to me at all, But the idea of a women standing in the face of over whelming force. Cut too Oprah as Miss Celie stabbing the knife in the table in the color Purple saying "till you do right by me." I can get behind that. So big girl Panties on we forge ahead.

                     I can not say I am making it this time, Yet. I qam changing for a healthier way but I can say in this moment I am happily munching salad spending my time looking out for healthy dinners and easy quick healthy breakfast smoothies OOOOOOOOOOO the smoothies I could bath in them and be the happy drowning in it. oh sorry about that.. The right amount the green crisp veggies and fresh fresh feel are all I long for at this moment. So I can not say I recommend the torcher your self with cookies and baked goods approach but so far it has pushed me to kale and I could not be happier about it. So we will see where this goes. I Vow here and now to be honest about where I am going with this It may take me to bear raw places but here we go  "loud and proud over pounds we go, I am going to beat those Bitches (the pounds) one at a time it will kill them not me." My new mantra.

Messy

I was thinking today about the romance of things and how that romantic idea sometimes stops us from actually injoying life. Confused ok let me elaberate.

I love the romance of fishing the boat the water relecting

the sky the silence with just the ripples of water on the boat sides. the gental sway of the water rising and falling as the sun kisses your skin:  a soft breeze adds just the right amount of freshness. The struggle with the fish as he fights for his life and the fishermen or women struggle to land the massive fish.

that sanitarily lands on your plate with sauce on the side, and little Baby potaoes browned just slightly on the side.

This is a noble idea of fishing that longers in my brain the reality of fishing in my minds eye is that you get on a smelling boat with water in the bottem and the bugs swarm you as you make your way out to where you are going to fish at you swat away the hords of bug the humming of them never stops and the spead boat runs past almost knocking your som much smaller boat over. You cast out and catch nothing but manage to feed the fish as you bait flies way as you cast. So you pull it back in, as you are putting the new bait on you stab your self with the hook and start to bleed.

 As your casting you catch it on the tree behind you. You struggle to get it out of the tree limb it breaks loose hitting the shirt of the person who is with you. finally you make it into the river with bait in place.

The sun beats down on you breakign through the 5 LB of sunscrean you put on and bakes you like a cake. The bobble bobs down you wait knowing the fish will be back the bobber goes onder and you jerk up on the line snaggin what feels like a huge monster under the water. as you fight to ge tthe fish in when the water gives way and the fish shows Himself to you. He turns out to be too small to keep and he must go back in. So at the end of the day of fishing after you stop at the emergancy room for a quick tenis shotand a few quick stitches on your thumb that would not stop bleeding. from the rust hook that ripped you thumb open and a target stop for the shirt you need to replace from the same hook. you have to gut the fish just bairly big enough to keep with smell and funky stuff ripped out of said fish and put it into the freezer. As you dial for pizza because the thought of fish is making you ill at the moment. Now you might think this is an exageration but these are all actulual fishing memories for me except I think we stopped at JC Pennies not Target for the shirt in full desclosure.

This is what I mean about the romance of the thing destroying the actuall idea of the activity. HAs that ever happened to you? I face this all the time In my mind Life is like a Movie perfectly framed and plotted for every screan there is never any Bugs tring to kill you so they can brag to their Bug buddies. (Yeah that is right I implied Bugs are gangs waiting to kill you. ) there is never offencive oders or sweat in places I may get banned for mentioning. you may glisten with a little sweat on the brow but nothing more. WE may face a trail in our life experiance a huge loss but by the next 3 sceans or 2 hours that is done it will not change the essance of who you are for years.

But life is not like that Life is grit in your teeth as you fight through heart break and sturggles. Some times in life when I am most on track and doing what I know I am made for is when I feel the least sure of my self the confidant in what I am doing because the dream in my head interfears with the reality of what that actally fleshes out to be is unrecognisable. I have been bleassed in my life to have many of the things I dreamed of as a girl I have a quirky group of friends that are fun and funny yet deep and real some newer some older I planned my life with as a geeky preteen girl. I have a hot hubby with an acent from a forine land and a heart that should be on display some where the most beautiful I have ever seen: He loves me like crazy for which I have no explination. We may not have much as far as things and cars but we have what we need.

I think about the romatic notions that could make me dissatisfied with my life yeah we can not aford a lot of things trips are years apart and new things are few and far between. I do not get to see my friends daily or weekly for that matter but I do see them often. We have not been able to have children and my health has not been the best. I could micro scope in on the things that anoy me about my husband. But what would this get me? My life may not be an ideal picture on a post card or even make a good christmas letter. I did that one year sat down to writeout a chirstmas letter because we just felt so great and I had time so I did and when I went to the standered form of what people write int he letters It was the most depressing thing I have ever read. It was wierd to me how different it felt vs. how it read. So I choose life the real grit and strif hopes and crushing blows bad smells and sunburns and all. The romancic ideal or ideal just numb you to the treasure that actually awaits int he failing and struggle of real life.

I had a friend of mine described the grossness of birth with the water breaking the blood the poop and guts that come with birthing a baby, If that is how we come into the world how can we expect to live a life other than how we entered it. messy.
But we wait don't we: we wait till the Baby is all washed up with the blanket wrapped just so and the little yamica hat babies wear is on their head and sleeping 

so there is no crying in the picture. There was even a huge up roar over the artist Jill Greenberg the took candy away from children to
capture the pure sadness.

People were out raged! Not that life is always sad or hard but Those times and the hard parts make the joy so much brighter. If we sanitize the bad we will not ever feel the joy and contentment of Life. It has been my experiance that as I face things things look them in the eye brings so much more than the disapointment and beating our selves up for wrecking the image.

We are so obsesed with the romance of things sanitizing things into beautiful picture  that leave so many feeling inadiquit. Reality is relity the messy is life. You cna be Lerical and build a pretty picture and dramatise it all you want and I love me a good dramatisation, but real is real the rest is just going to rob you of life and happiness.

The Award

So I have been invaded by Virus' in oour house this week. we had intirly too much phlem and on top of that we had a computer virus that shut us down. I am not a fan of IT person I love when they just hyjack your computer and do it, but hate it when they take their smug know all things additude and look down on those that think it was a great feat to learn to copy and paste. I have about a 5 min tolerance for this, less when I did what they said and they corect me with something they did not say.

My hubby on the other hand has buckets and buckets of it. Seriously he should be up for staint hood. He spent 5 hours for 3 days on line dealing with It people. There has to be a merit badge or trophy for this some where. An award show I am sure is going to be calling either that or the punked people will be popping out any min,

 I should do my makeup for Ashton <3.

Seems to me life hands out awards for all the wrong things Matters that really matter never get awarded or noticed for the most part. Good parenting scarificing and nurturing the soal of the child to grow and become the person they were born to be, Being kind hearted and patience is never celbrated. How did we get things so backwards? They are always the things we notice whenthey are gone but never see often when they are there. so I anted to take the time to say it I love how much patience my husband has probly why he can put up with me and all my madness. I also love that at the same time he is snarky and loves to do things that just make him laugh and no one else knows why they are funny but him and maybe me. So I just have to say I love you. <3 <3 <3 <3 I can not give you Saint hood but I can give you your vertual award so here is

your trophy

and Million dollar prize Of course this Prize is to be paid in Lucy Dollars that do not actually have monitary value but can be redeamed for doggy kisses.

 Congradulations!