In search of....

            I went to my 20th reunion this weekend, I never thought I would. High School was such a hard time for me I never thought I would want to go back. In the last few years I have been struggling to heal my self from the inside out. Plus the extra weight I still carry from when I was so sick, not that I do not know it saved me but the fear of judgment. ugh. I have been struggling  letting go of the negative and taking a new road positivity. I can not say I am great at this, I am not. However I am trying, it has cost me a lot but I have gained so much more. Honestly if I had not I am not sure I would still be here at all the crushingness of it was killing me. I found me, I found life, contentment, and strength I never knew I had so far. SO part of this new me is facing things that might be hard or painful taking their power away. So my Goal besides seeing people I have not seen in 20 years was to face this to see if my unhappiness with me and my life had tainted how I saw those days.

             SO I took my Rescue remedy and went (best thing ever!). The first day I was supposed to go with some people I know to a informal meet and greet at a bar down town. Here it was going into a bar where you are unsure you are going to recognize anyone let alone if you like each other or got along at all.. AAAAAAAAAAAA..... It was terrifying. No one was in the bar that looked our age. so fighting the urge to slam 2 tequila shots and leave I ordered one drink for me one for my hubby. And we ventured out to the porch and it was dark but bright so I could not see any faces like walking in to a spotlight I started to sweat from nerves, oh my God how am I going to recognize anyone? I got all the way to the end of the patio and still my eyes had not adjusted too well went one face started to looked like I might know her and she got up saying my name and giving me a huge hug. I felt my body sigh with relief. I looked around and one by one the names and faces clicked inside my head and as we sat it was an ease of conversation and not too uncomfortable silences, jokes and just a fun time made me so glad I could go. I left more free than when I went in it was a great night I knew I could do this! One down one to go. Bring it Bitches you can't take me down.

               The next morning at like 6 am I woke up with a splitting tension headache and defending how great I felt about the night before, seriously almost screaming mid sentence of no I had a great time as I woke up.  SO I broke out the rescue remedy and so Advil and Tom prayed for me and I did too. and the room actually felt lighter my head felt a little better and We went back to sleep and woke up fine. I think mostly it was a retraining my brain that caused this, taking back the people from the ick I felt growing up revising the broken girl that away felt unwanted and shoved aside and seeing how many people actually cared about her. Because they were all great dynamic people (seriously I am impressed with how cool my class is)  it was not them that made me miserable it was me and how I felt about that time tainting my view.  Wiping that taint off is no small task for queen of the awkward like me but it was starting to go.

                  Next comes dinner with a few people we opted out of  the awesome home town favorite pizza for the new Margarita place, best choice ever. There were a few of us and an a fiend that was there with her mother in-law, we had so much fun I think my hubby blushed all the way through dinner, which takes  a lot but prepped him for the night.

                 Then we met up with a friend and drove out because it was too much to think of going in alone. In the parking lot it was so odd to know everyone walking in, but my nerves were still shaky so I said a few quick hi's and before I could loose my never I went inside. Found my name tag and headed for the bar. it was very crowded and like hot and sticky with all the people in there shoulder to shoulder, plus my nerves were making me sweat. Name tag on I found some friends and started talking. and started to calm down. I ran into a few people and was still feeling awkward and unsure but then I found my groove and it was great. I taking with some people I had not known well in school but have gotten to know a little now and respect through facebook.  and the night went on like that I ran into person after person that I was so glad to talk too. A few awkward times of brain freeze but hey what fun would life be with out them. My husband made friends caused trouble with some random biker guys and was being a social butterfly he is by the end of the night. I found my self being the person that wants everyone to be included sitting back scanning the crowd looking for anyone not connecting or alone, but there was none. I had to stop my self from just sitting back and flouting in that peace enjoying seeing people connecting so well and feeling the love of it.The time was too short there were people I wanted to talk to so much more but the not liking  middle of a crowd with loudness thing was working against me, and I seriously just wanted to have coffee with everyone sit down a dish talk about life and laugh. But I am better one on one or small group of people I get over whelmed by the number of people I wanted to talk to other wise. SO after all my fear of shyness taking over me, the lack of shyness and over wanting to talk was the issue.

              I walked away making peace with my past me and refinding friends I never really lost and appreciating them all over again for who they are. So sad there were people I missed talking before the end, and joyfully finding people I missed talking to. I am not sure anyone will find this interesting or not but my brain would not let me sleep till it was typed out. If you have a reunion GO, be free from what ever is stopping you from wanting to see the best part of those days: the ones you laughed with, got in trouble with and just enjoyed the company of. Live free let nothing hold you down even if it is you or your sight of things being what is pinning you.

Really this can't be a win for me

             Why is change so hard? Even when you really want it and really do want change it is such a struggle to actually do it to go out the door and take a new path. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this pains me to no end I am not a rut girl I love new I love the different I always want to be original. I have vivid memories of this being  a trait I carried long before I knew what it was. In preschool we took a trip to the post office to mail valentines to our mom's and Dad's we all lined up one by one we march wedding procession styal up the the boxes one by one everyone dropped theirs into the one mail hole ignoring the other perfectly good one next to it. step by step we get closer and before I knew it I was there ready to drop my mail. Boop in it went into the other slot no one else used as my teacher shrieked that I had put mine in the out of town one. I did not care it was mine mail and I wanted to other one. Then there is the questionable fashion choices like the lime green see through head band I wore as sun glasses because no one else had them (Punky Brewster was my hero and fashion Icon). So there have been problem with this I was under the impression change was not one of them, come on if you are going to be original does that not include regular change?

            But here I am trying t push through this slightly premid life crisis and boom I am not wanting change of fighting it being my own worst enemy. I am sure in my very core there are few if any one at this gym I am going to that even notices I am there and yet I can not get over them just being there. Stupid they would so go out of business if I was the only one going but ugh the though of being mocked really gets to me. Thank you Mr. Kiffer and the whole of Jr. high. Not to mention life in general. But now no one is stopping me but me, I am literally defeating my self.  Why can't facing fears be like a movie montage or better yet sitcom half hour never brought up again again till a flash back show. No life has to be about facing that fear any way every time going and keep pressing on. shit life sucks, what sick bastered made this system. Nice to have my own worst enemy looking me in the mirror with all the amo of my past failers and mockings to throw in my face. One trip two trips a whole week of trips miss a few days and slammo again struggling going alone. I will not be the weapon of my own defeat. I will not be the reason I give up on this. I am going to do this I am so sick of stopping my self and letting me defeat me. screw that this woman is leaving that girl behind and do this.

Flop sweat and sweat

the horror the is Jazzercise

  The time has come no more waiting in the back the horror of it all the painful twisting of muscle, being packed in like wriggling sardines still moving as the top of the can is sealed. Yes it is time to join the gym.. this anxiety build place for me this den of judgment and condemnation has again made it's way into my life. This is a good thing it is what I want but it is also scary for me having only had one good gym experience I am heavily relying on to make it through the door of this new one. This has been giving me nightmares for days thinking about this. Where perk tones bitches push there way through rooms of people to give me hurtful not helpful advice (yes this happens to me occasionally) or the Jazzercize nightmare of Psychedelic leotards that my Mom forced me to go to And last but not least Gym class with teachers that regularly taunted those not athletically inclined, cue memory of jerk wad Gym teacher being driving instructor making you do push ups in the middle of the street for hitting the curb parking in front of my boyfriends house both humiliation and the terror of being hit by a car. The horror associated with gyms and gym related people is huge! My nightmares differ occasionally on how I handle it some are rooms of people laughing at me some are the beat down of perky girl and my favorite the verbal smack down ending in her hopefully learning something (ok you got me I like the beat down too). 

I remember this at the Y when I was younger.
(Not her the equipment)

                                                  That said I have high hopes for the gym we are joining, like the one good experience with gyms that I have joined there are great things a pool good equipment people who help design a work out for you and the best part a movie theater with exercise equipment in it so no one can see me doing my thing, this is the best part for me. I loved the gym we joined years ago something about having people that would know if I did not go and the cheapness in me of not wanting to pay for something I did not use worked for me I went daily loved it so much made friends with some of the people who worked there and really would have continued to go had I not busted my knee up, got seriously ill and lost my job all in the same few months. This is the feeling I am hoping to build on supportive people not the knee busting out of workness. That is the plan hope it turns out that way for me and to the bin of judgment I am trying to be positive and not expect the worst.

                          For me I am ok with me I love my self where I am this took a long time a lot of effort and so much love from those in my life seriously I have the best people ever in my life. This is about being more active free to do the things I want to do. Healthier not stick figure or barbie perfect not that I think that is ever possible for me in the slightest. The me I am expecting to find under all this is a curvy girl with big hips big boobs and attitude. Yeah here's hoping I find here under here. Hello are ya there come out come out who ever you are.

The rule of thumb

                                      Have you ever had your eyes opened to a blindness you have carried and cherished nurtured and reveled in your whole life. This happened to me in the instance I am willing to talk about when I was first married 18 years ago it was march and I wanted to share a huge family tradition in my house with my husband. We watched the Quiet man every year faithfully loved it quoted from it, well my Dad my Sister and I did. My Mother was not a fan and "joked" with my Dad about John Wane being an alcoholic wife beater, but we will get back to that later. SO with joy at sharing the treasure I sat down with most of my family and my hubby to watch the greenness of Ireland and the listen to the melody and wit of the people. As the movie went on I noticed my husband getting more and more uncomfortable. when the part came when the town was marching across the field with John and the woman came up to give him a stick "to beat the lovey lady with" That was it he was done he left the room and went to talk to my Mom. Later I asked him why he had left, his response was that John Wayne had not been very good to the wife in the movie and he just did not care for it. That sat with me for a long time made me think of the role of Men and Women.

My Mom

                                    Growing up in my house was interesting in my teen years my Mom worked at an abuse agency. My parents "debated" about politics my mom being Dem my Dad Rep. One of the impressions I did at age 5 was Jimmy Carter, it was in total me drying off my teeth and putting my lip up on top of the throwing up 2 peace signs and saying "Hi, I'm Jimmy Carter" my Nixon was worse. SO I grew up in a house that talked regularly about issues not so much personal issues but issues. My mom talked about women's rights but made sure to clarify she was not off the deep end about it. Meaning she shaved her legs and arm pits and being married meant everything to her. I always kind of saw her as a hippy want to be she wanted the things they did but the norm was not so bad. She had always been popular, never with out a date since Jr. high, she had grown up kind of privileged with a Dad who was a respected Business man in Madison. She was the dream of her area of time happy wife with 2 daughters she dressed well and loved her family very much by day. Her job had always taken her to places of compassion and hard to look at places of our society. She had become a nurse because her mom was a nurse. the Jobs I remember her having were starting the head start in Beaver Dam writing the grants for them then working for the WIC program weighing babies and doing quick checks for them, the one that left a lasting  impression on me was when she worked for the abuse shelter. I remember all the radical friends and their talks of women's rights and thinking it was over stated to think women were not valued to same  as men. When my mom died I was lost I did not know what to do she was my rock the one I could always count on, the one I could be real with. Who was I now with out her? I drifted for years holding on to the only thing keeping me floating, my faith but that was so new I had no idea how to manage it. I lost so much of who I was and those around me suffered, in that time became hard and unsure of my self. It was this time in my life this rebel part of me my Mom loved and hated with intensity started to rise up in me. It started questioning things and making me think through things I had not. along this way I found friends that challenged me to do the same and loved me while I worked it out, And I found my self again. I am not as proper a women as my Mom would have liked but I do think as she always did she would admire me for being me.

                                      The idea of equality for women has come back up in my life that seed firmly planted by my Mom and I have been spending time thinking about Her and the influence she had on me in this part of my life what a revolutionary she was fighting in the courts and If my mind remembers right working to pass laws or get them enforced anyway. Yesterday I saw a picture talking about traditional Marriage and what that actually looked like. Women property until 1768, Monogamy since 1899, wife own property 1900, contraception 1965, interracial couples 1967, credit in her name 1975 (I was one), Husband owns all property by default done 1981 (I was 7), and Legal marital Rape ended 1993 (I was one year out of high school).  First off I would be one illegal women in the 60's, married to a Mexican and owning credit and all. But it got me thinking the right not to be raped was won in my life time when I was an adult. How crazy is that? As I looked into this not so fun fact I learned was that the saying "rule of thumb" comes from the rule you could beat your wife with a stick as long as it was  no thinker than your thumb. really how does that work. sorry "Timmy Dad got to into beating your Mom with the stick and beat her to death but it was with in the rule of thumb so wink wink it's ok, pass the ovaltein Daddy worked up an appetite." Come on I am tired of the whole we are still fighting for this. it is 2013 we should be so past this by now we all should be equal. everyone! It just seems like there is more hate more subjugation of people or it is a growing trend anyway. the generations of women starting in the 1700 have been on this since than and we still have people like Rush Limbaugh saying things have gone down hill since we let women vote, and he is still on the air. REALLY are you kidding me? Some is paying him to be on there saying this. NO really they are even Radio aint free.

                                    Women we have a heritage of strong compassionate women a sisterhood we have an obligation them, our selves, our daughters and sons to speak up, stand up and do not except less. Men do not think you gain by this idea when one of us loose our power we all are weaker for it. I am not generalizing Men, I know many that understand and revel in this encouraging the women in their lives to be who they are and be free. I have been luck enough to be married to one. It is time this stopped being an issue and started being history.

                           

When apples attack

                                          Sorry I have been away I cut my self you would think this is not such a big deal because it is just a thumb but when one types with 2 hands and forgets one has stitches it is painful. How did I do this? well in my quest for eating healthier I was making and apple peanut butter pita with agave when the apple attacked me I was as shocked as anyone. I was unaware of the sinister side of apples only have known them for their deliciousness and vitamins before, their blood thirsty nature was unknown to me before. thanks to our new super sharp knives the apple got a really good shot in after I realized I was not going to stop bleeding on my own I went to the clinic just down the road. as we got in the car to go the radio blared "you cut me me open and I keep bleeding keep keep bleeding..." I found this hilarious my hubby did not and thought I might be suffering shock or something as I laughed while I bleed next to him. So we get there and they take me back almost right away because really how often does one get attacked by an apple. They stitch me up 5 stitches on my thumb should have been 6. now you may think big whoop 5 stitches and 6 days later and your still complaining about it. remember thumbs are not that big  5 should of been 6 stitches takes you from next to the thumb to diagonally 2/3s of the way to the other side of the nail, that is a lot of the thumb.

                                So a few things I have noticed besides I space bar with my left thumb is that for a women to dress without using her thumbs is near impossible if she wishes in any way shape or form to where a bra not happening with out help. If you have a dog that loves you she will give you slobbery apple piece after she hunted it down and killed the offending fruit when you get home from the hospital. You will have to keep her from trying to devotedly help you heal your thumb even in your sleep and she tries to sneak up and just clean it up for ya while you rest. Also when one so hunting down a very fast black spider that ran down the wall right by your head before you were just about to go to sleep you will mistake your own stitches for said spider on your thumb at least 3 times possibly 4. There is a lot of time spent thinking about the Hollywood movies and tv shows that  show people stitching them selves up with just a wince and you thinking what frigging liars they are because you had only 3/4 numbing in your last 2 stitches and winced and while they were putting the numbing stuff on you kicked the table and sucked air. frigging Hollywood no one is tough enough to do that with out at least gritting their teeth. then you think wow I have seen way too many movies with those scenes in them. then then you go to you have seen to many movies in general. Then you think maybe just maybe movies and TV has screwed with your view of the world and how it works.. nah that's crazy: back to the list of this affected by a stabbed thumb...  One can not do dishes and dishes will take over the entire kitchen.  No one finds the keep bleeding being on the radio while you bleed is funny as you do and finally: NO one believes apples attacked you. Apples being fruity are mistaken for sweet and tasty but beware the apple waiting  to pounce. They made a movie about the harmless tomatoes when it is the apple you should be warned of.