From Chocolate to Kale...Honestly KALE!

OK so I am back, I feel so silly about letting discouraging things and not valuing my voice and trusting I may have something silly if not interesting to say get in the way of posting. So what do I have to say for today?

I have been making striving for healthy living a thing in my life my whole life not just food but that is where I am starting talking about here. I took some advice from an expert on the Anderson show because it struck me as fitting my personality. Rather than depriving my self of the sugar I craved I scheduled it. Between 2 and 3 every day I would indulge in sugar/ sweets, also if some one offered I had to take and eat one. Had to...  I was weary of it at first and though at least this would be a really great holiday season this year. The first week was like oh yeah this is nice a little treat during the day no guilt for the first time ever. It was required so why beat your self up. Then Christmas came and I was so grateful for friends who actually eat well and the sweet count was not as high as I had thought. this was new mind set for me in it almost found my self begging in my mind just set the cookies or sweet bread down don't offer me any! Some times they did some times not. As the weeks and parties went on I found less and less delight in seeing something yummy brought out. I still appreciated the care and love that went into it and the taste but the duty to eat it was the WAh WAh  to my delight of the goodness..  I was still ok with sweets on new years holidays rocks come valentines day OMG I wanted salad! I wanted lentils (odd because I hate Lentils)! I was googling kale for gods sake. I started this last week after feel like I torturer  my self for several months with the the very thing I wanted so desperately to give up. I actually tossed out over half of my birthday cake first time ever for me doing that I just could not eat another bite.

           I have a dear friend that is doing weight watchers with a group of the most fab women ever and invited little old me!  For support hints venting celebrating and just general love. I am going to join weight watchers but have not yet I feel like such a fraud being in their support each other group (it does not start with hello my name is..) because I have yet to join. :/  I am really going in but I felt I had to walk out this thing I started to have the revolting of the sweets to keep me from falling back in old habits while I am bring me ones in to replace them.  So honestly I cheat in the best possible way at this time longing for raw snow peas while eating a cookie. Really it is true all my pinterest has switched from cake to smoothies and salad (healthy smoothies not even made with sugar one not the shakes made with ice cream you are calling smoothy so you can drink it with out guilt).

               So cut to this last week went I finally had had it with it. I freaked out about needing a salad to the surprised of my husband. The self whipping with millano cookies had to end or someone was going to get it. But the problem we still have a few remaining landmines in the house of very unopened bag of  good cookies and 3 servings of ice cream. I already  threw out my birthday cake can I really do this with the rest? I am hostage by my thrift in not wanting to waist but can not bring my self to bite one more spoon of it. Guilt and delight in eating it is replaced with revolting at the thought. Win I think for me today anyway.

                               Can this actually be working for me? Could it be that my discomfort with routine is so strong it has turned me against ice cream? That has yet to be seen but I am trusting the changes in my attitude for it will help. I also had a huge revelation the other day in eating my feelings which has always been the case for me. I had a very painful thing happen while I was in my forced sweets time. I made the connection between not going to a soother rather that facing the problem head one and dealing was the adult thing. I had never striven to be an adult the stuffy women of 1900 is what that brings to mind for me think the Dowager on Downtown Abby pinky raised at high tea and all. Not appealing to me at all, But the idea of a women standing in the face of over whelming force. Cut too Oprah as Miss Celie stabbing the knife in the table in the color Purple saying "till you do right by me." I can get behind that. So big girl Panties on we forge ahead.

                     I can not say I am making it this time, Yet. I qam changing for a healthier way but I can say in this moment I am happily munching salad spending my time looking out for healthy dinners and easy quick healthy breakfast smoothies OOOOOOOOOOO the smoothies I could bath in them and be the happy drowning in it. oh sorry about that.. The right amount the green crisp veggies and fresh fresh feel are all I long for at this moment. So I can not say I recommend the torcher your self with cookies and baked goods approach but so far it has pushed me to kale and I could not be happier about it. So we will see where this goes. I Vow here and now to be honest about where I am going with this It may take me to bear raw places but here we go  "loud and proud over pounds we go, I am going to beat those Bitches (the pounds) one at a time it will kill them not me." My new mantra.